AIBU to think my bereaved friend is being unfair?

[Getthebag2023]

Long story short, my best friend lost a parent in a very shocking, tragic and unexpected way a few years ago. My group of friends rallied round her on that day, and have all really prioritized getting her through the first few years - birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas etc.

I'm so proud of her and how far she's come, and i know this kind of grief is for life, and never really goes away. But I'm now starting to notice that she's acting .... I can't even describe it really, but I guess like she's the 'main character'.

Other friends are having big life events and changes happen to them as time goes on, and she's happy for them. However, she also complains that she feels abandoned/sidelined when new children/partners/husbands/jobs/other big adventures are being prioritized, and checkins etc become less frequent. I do have sympathy that her grief must feel very lonely, and it makes happy things bitter sweet, but I think it's unfair of her to take it as a personal slight that she isn't the top priority any more, now a few years have passed. We all have our own lives we are getting on with too!

I have told her to give people grace, and to just reach out herself if she's wanting to chat. She's guilty of ignoring us herself sometimes when she's busy, and i definitely don't take it personally! However when I try to challenge her (if shes complaining about another friend) she always brings it back to her grief and us needing to support her. I'm trying to be understanding, but AIBU to feel like it's getting a bit much now?

Perhaps therapy would be a good suggestion. Although only you can decide if that would be taken well or not.

We all have good and bad stuff going, my parents were killed in an accident, 8 years ago rtaI don’t keep mentioning it.

She does go to therapy, though I have suggested changing therapy style to deal specifically with the trauma element as all she really does is basic counseling rather than proper trauma treatment. I think it's helped a little tbf!

How awful. I'm so sorry. I know that's not why you mentioned it, but I felt I couldn't just comment without acknowledging that.

I get what you mean OP and agree therapy would be a good suggestion

Does she have any of the things that are being celebrated like partner, kids, exciting new job or is she lonely and grieving? The basic problem is that everyone else's life moves on and people won't realise how stuck in her grief she is. People have sympathy for a certain period but that's usually much less time than the person needs to recover. This result in the grieving person coming across as selfish when it's not their intention. Counselling is definitely a good idea and probably some group support from others who have been in similar circumstances

Thanks for sharing your experience, I'm so sorry for your loss. I want to be a good friend to her in her time of need, but I also want to make sure my other friends are fairly treated too.

Thanks, in their 80s, no one else involved, saved nursing home dramas, and not coping.
Good siblings and family support

She shouldn't be top priority anymore. It sounds like she's sucking the life out of her friends. I have a friend like that, and we hardly speak now. I just couldn't deal with the guilt-tripping.

Yeah in the nicest possible way she needs to stop depending on everyone around her for her wellbeing.
I lost both parents very suddenly 10 years ago when I was in my twenties and I get how enormous it feels at the time and how it never fully goes away.
But...
Other people are not emotional support humans!

She can't expect people to continue on in that way and I'd be surprised if you're the only grind in the group thinking this.

She's gotten used to having all your attention, which is understandable in the circumstance.

Your reminder was very gracefully and tactfully put, repeat ad nauseam each time she complains until it sinks in.

Tread carefully though, this sort of dynamic can be friendship ending.

She sounds draining! I sympathise, having lost both my parents (dementia and cancer) in the last 5 years, and Sil (cancer - 39) and another friend (neuro disorder - 42), I know quite a lot about grief, but you have to try to be realistic and move on for yourself. I second that maybe she needs some counselling. Could it also be that she is more lonely? I kind of wonder whether it is more other people moving on with the jobs, kids and partners, than losing her parents?

Like you said, this is grief for life and is never going to really go away. It's hard to say, maybe she feels like everyone expects her to be 'over it' after 2 years and it just doesn't work like that.

Exciting new job/travel stuff going on which has made a big difference, and dating on and off. I wonder if the Christmas period has just been more difficult than the rest of the year too. She is by no means totally 'stuck in a rut' overall - maybe not where she would want to be ideally but definitely getting there slowly!

It sounds like she has really appreciated the support that you and her other friends have shown and liked bring the focus of concern and is now missing it and feeling aggrieved if the attention is elsewhere. Its human nature especially considering her painful loss. You've all been good friends to her but it's only right that you have other things going on and can't sustain the same level of attention on your friend now that a few years have passed.

It's a difficult one and you'd need to be sensitive towards her. You're definitely not BU. Could you maybe arrange a regular get together with her so she knows she still has your support? Like a weekly lunch?

She might benefit from therapy if this isn't enough. Her grief is no doubt awful but you're not responsible for her feelings.

I lost both parents within a year of one another in my early 20’s.
It’s an odd feeling being out of sync with your peers, my friends were great but it was hard a few years later when they were grumbling about granny feeding the toddler sweets etc, when I’d have given anything for my kids to have met my parents.
I think now though, like a poster above, I’m now not mid 40’s and having to deal with elderly parents like many of my friends are, so swings and roundabouts really.
My friend has had extensive therapy for grief and for her at least I don’t think it’s been particularly helpful, dragging it all up and dwelling on the past isn’t always helpful. You’ve got to learn to get on with life I suppose!

I can see the situation from both sides. Yes your friend would benefit from therapy. However i lost my granddad in 2021. My grandma died in 2022. Family and friends stopped checking in really quickly. Yes they have their own lives. However i am scared of telling them when i am struggling. I feel like they think i am over it.

Exactly

My best friend has lost two teenage children in separate, unrelated tragedies 10 years apart (one in an RTA, one from a head injury sustained playing sport) and doesn't behave like this so I'm pretty sure your friend needs to check herself OP. YANBU.

I had two close friends lose their mothers in similar circumstances in the same year (mother died unexpectedly of cancer in 50s, friends had been especially close to their mums, both single in late 20s with siblings).

The thing I learned is that some people just never get over it. It’s not their fault and they aren’t being self indulgent - they just don’t.

After a few really tough years, one friend gradually started to recover, as you might hope. She still misses her mum terribly at big events like milestone birthdays. But losing her mum young is not the defining event of her life. She has considerable insight into how she felt then, and says very frankly that for two years she thought everyone else’s problems were stupid and pointless compared to what she’d been through, and during the first year after she lost her mum she sometimes said so. But a part of her always knew that wasn’t fair to other people. During the third year after her loss, that part took over again and her life started to return to normal.

The other friend never recovered. Twenty years later it’s almost the first thing she tells people, and she is immensely bitter that others who have a complicated relationship with their mothers still have them. I think her grief solidified into a way of being, a habit of mind from which she could not escape. It has shaped her entire subsequent life, even though one might think at under 30 with supportive close family she might have been resilient. There seems little logic to it and it’s sadly made her hard to be friends with as the years go by, because she has no interest, really, in others’ lives going on.

I have a very similar dynamic with my good friend. Her own trauma and grief means she now has no sympathy for anyone else’s losses.

Grandparents dying “isn’t that tragic”. Miscarriages “aren’t real people you know”.

She says this to me about other peoples’ losses, so I know she’ll think it of mine.

When my grandmother died, I mentioned it in passing over text. I didn’t expect a big outpouring of sympathy from her. But she left my message on read, for a month.

I’ve come to accept it’s a failing of her character, caused by terrible suffering, and put my irritation with it to one side. But it has taken some time for me to be able do that.

I sympathise, OP.

When I was in my late 20s, I lost my mum and my then partner in a short space of time, it was as you can imagine a life changing and traumatic time, but I recovered and life went on.

Your friend has made her loss part of her core identity and expects everyone to pander to it, and that is not healthy for her or for you. Bluntly, everyone loses their parents sooner or later, she is not special in that respect and she actually sounds quite mentally unwell. But you and your other friends do not need to go along for the ride if you have had enough.

Is it possible that a bereavement support group, perhaps one for her specific circumstances, might help? I'm sure you and all her friends have been great but from my own experience, losing a close family member can feel very isolating and feeling that no-one really understands what you're going through is very common. It might help her to talk to others who have suffered a similar loss.

Losing parents is an awful hurt and the pain is one in time you make room for in your life.
You remember your parents wouldn't want you sad and you move forward.
The time frame now is one where she should be independent with this. A different type of therapy perhaps with more of a life coach essence.

You sound a wonderful friend. Be kind to yourself and say things like I've found this wonderful life coach or grief move forward mentor. Also say you are going to these life events to enjoy yourself and celebrate with people you love and that you always will love her amd remind her her parents wouldn't want her to be sad. A little tough love now to promote independence.

Sounds like you've all been very supportive but she's maybe become too dependent on that. I've had a fair bit of grief and pain in my life, so have lots of people, but life is also for living.