AIBU to think my bereaved friend is being unfair?

[Getthebag2023]

Long story short, my best friend lost a parent in a very shocking, tragic and unexpected way a few years ago. My group of friends rallied round her on that day, and have all really prioritized getting her through the first few years - birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas etc.

I'm so proud of her and how far she's come, and i know this kind of grief is for life, and never really goes away. But I'm now starting to notice that she's acting .... I can't even describe it really, but I guess like she's the 'main character'.

Other friends are having big life events and changes happen to them as time goes on, and she's happy for them. However, she also complains that she feels abandoned/sidelined when new children/partners/husbands/jobs/other big adventures are being prioritized, and checkins etc become less frequent. I do have sympathy that her grief must feel very lonely, and it makes happy things bitter sweet, but I think it's unfair of her to take it as a personal slight that she isn't the top priority any more, now a few years have passed. We all have our own lives we are getting on with too!

I have told her to give people grace, and to just reach out herself if she's wanting to chat. She's guilty of ignoring us herself sometimes when she's busy, and i definitely don't take it personally! However when I try to challenge her (if shes complaining about another friend) she always brings it back to her grief and us needing to support her. I'm trying to be understanding, but AIBU to feel like it's getting a bit much now?

Life's cruel, but would I say I haven't "got over it"??

I don't think you ever get over it, but life moves on in a different shape. Grief changes so that you think about the dead person with a smile rather than crying every time. It's nearly a quarter century since my father died, and there are still times I miss him, want to tell him things, and I tell him in my head. I just don't tell anyone else, unless it's relevant, " oh, that reminds me of Dad, because..."

It is true that death is a part of life. We all experience it at some point, and her experience, however traumatic, is primarily for herself to resolve - her friends can help, but they have their own lives, and if she can't accept she isn't always coming first, she needs counselling to work through it and learn strategies to be more self-reliant.

Yikes, I'd have run out of patience with this too.

Thanks everyone. I definitely don't expect my friend to just get over something so traumatic, and i know it's a grief that will always be there. I don't even expect her to stop talking about it - I'm just also very protective of my other friends who have given so much of themselves too and aren't doing anything wrong.

I really love her, and she is a very good friend other than this - it truly is out of character which is why its so shocking to me. I wonder if the isolation of grief means she is struggling to see outside herself at the moment and it comes across as selfish. I'm going to persist with firm but kind reminders, and maybe signposted some support groups of people who have been where she is. Hopefully it's just a matter of time healing.

Absolutely