AIBU to think my bereaved friend is being unfair?

[Getthebag2023]

Long story short, my best friend lost a parent in a very shocking, tragic and unexpected way a few years ago. My group of friends rallied round her on that day, and have all really prioritized getting her through the first few years - birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas etc.

I'm so proud of her and how far she's come, and i know this kind of grief is for life, and never really goes away. But I'm now starting to notice that she's acting .... I can't even describe it really, but I guess like she's the 'main character'.

Other friends are having big life events and changes happen to them as time goes on, and she's happy for them. However, she also complains that she feels abandoned/sidelined when new children/partners/husbands/jobs/other big adventures are being prioritized, and checkins etc become less frequent. I do have sympathy that her grief must feel very lonely, and it makes happy things bitter sweet, but I think it's unfair of her to take it as a personal slight that she isn't the top priority any more, now a few years have passed. We all have our own lives we are getting on with too!

I have told her to give people grace, and to just reach out herself if she's wanting to chat. She's guilty of ignoring us herself sometimes when she's busy, and i definitely don't take it personally! However when I try to challenge her (if shes complaining about another friend) she always brings it back to her grief and us needing to support her. I'm trying to be understanding, but AIBU to feel like it's getting a bit much now?

As awful as this sounds your friend needs to get a grip (said kindly of course). We all experience loss (most of us loose parents) and we grieve; we get up and carry on with life with all differing periods/ types of grief. But I would say things have gone beyond that most definitely with your friend.

Some people do sort of enjoy self pity and use this to extort attention from others. I am not suggesting that you word this in anyway shape or form to your friend to your friend...I am sure she is experiencing real grief and she's a good person; but is playing on this in my opinion from what you have described. To acknowledge that to yourself and possibly put into practice a bit of tough love...I think is what's required here. And also permission for yourself to distance from that as much as you need to...you shouldn't feel guilty for living your life. And in fact when your friends self pity isn't receiving so much attention; she might buck up a bit 👌

I found specific bereavement counselling really helped me in the past. Mine was through a GP referral and Cruse. Perhaps worth suggesting to your friend? It may be the counselling she is having now is more general but she's still struggling to move on.

I just don’t have patience for performative grieving. I live with my grieving every day without allowing it to negatively impact my friends. Why should it ?

Their happiness should be celebrated by me, despite my grief because that is how friendship works. She sounds quite self absorbed.

It sounds like she felt like the star in the group with all the attention. It's selfish to not realize people have families jobs and such. Therapy is a good idea.

This.
Perfectly put and applies to many

Would it be fair to suggest that it's the circumstances and nature of her parents' deaths that are making this so hard for your friend to move on from?

If so, I would endorse the suggestion that trauma counselling may be the way forward.

You do indeed sound like a very good friend.

You sound like a group of kind and supportive friends.

All of us have had or will have significant loss in our lives and having people around who genuinely care is a great blessing. I think it's one she's not fully seeing at the moment, because she seems "stuck" at points and I wonder if as well as the desire for attention, it might be a misplaced guilt that she is actually functioning and enjoying life again.

Whatever it is, it's something only she can deal with and I think gentle but firm reminders that, as she is getting on with her life, other people are with theirs and she will not automatically be their top priority at all times. If you can suggest it, some focused therapy might be an idea.

Bereaved is not an identity and it's dangerous if it becomes one, also sad because in most cases it's the last thing the people who have died would have wanted.

There is a point at which grief crosses into narcissism. Your assessment that your friend needs therapy rather than a supportive ear sounds plausible. You are right that you and your friends must support and celebrate the ups and downs you will all be going through, she simply cannot expect her parents' death to be the lens through which you must all view the world. You can be kind but firm, do not feel guilty.

Oh, how awful for you. I'm so sorry. If you were in your twenties then they can't have been that old. So sorry to hear that you lost both when you were so young. 💐

OP, when you say "a few" years, what does that mean? I've lost both my parents, an uncle, a SIL, and a couple of friends in the last ten years - my dad only four months ago - and I've found that the first two years are intense. The third and fourth are a little better. With my mum, I found that true healing didn't really come until five years-plus or so.

But I think it's more complex if the death was sudden and shocking, as you say her experience was. That can really complicate things.

If the death was unexpected and it's been less than four years, I think you perhaps have to accept that you can't understand, and just be patient with her. She will heal eventually, but she's inhabiting a world that you just can't imagine.

How awful. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. That is really young to lose both parents. 😢

They say that grief is a very individual experience and your friend may not even understand herself how she is being affected by it in relation to the lives of others. I would probably just cut her some slack as she probably doesn’t mean to come over as self centred. But grief can do that to some of us I’m afraid

You're allowed to distance yourself and still be a good friend. Only give of yourself what you're able.

She misses the attention and she is finding it hard to be so hurt whilst people are celebrating.

When my DF died I couldn't believe for a long time that life carried on. I started to talk about him with friends and about their DFs and that really helped me. But I also realised that my loss is really only front and centre for me and my DS. No one got in touch on his 20th anniversary which was upsetting but people move on.

You live with the grief because that's all you can do.

I agree with you OP. I have also suffered very traumatic grief, but quickly realised it was unfair to put it on my friends. They would not have the experience or resources to cope. And after a few months, it would be deeply boring for everyone as well. That's just the truth.
What helped more was finding a support group of people who had a similar experience of loss. That became the place I could share and feel supported in that part of my existence. It was better for me and my friendships, which were then able to help me to switch off from it all, which is important. Life has to go on, especially after a few years.

People can and will move on with their lives. She needs to deal with that and accept it as it's not going to change because others won't put theirs lives on hold. She's super unreasonable to expect any different

I know it's hard. My dad died suddenly, a few weeks later my best got married and l was her bridesmaid. So l got to see her dad give her away and be very proud etc. I was getting married the following summer and knew my dad wouldn't be able to do that for me as he was dead. I was the bigger person and was happy for her

If the death was unexpected and it's been less than four years, I think you perhaps have to accept that you can't understand, and just be patient with her. She will heal eventually, but she's inhabiting a world that you just can't imagine.

I think, gently, that one can't make it other people's problem for that length of time, as tough as it is.

Had a situation with a friend who was in no way there for me (or close enough to be) when my parent died but seemed to sort of expect me to help them when their parent died. Wailing on phone calls. Felt very weird to me as my instinct was to seek grief therapy rather than burden my friends/family and it made me very uncomfortable and felt forced upon me. Was re-traumatising and I was having panic attack after each call. Had to accept that people all grieve differently but back away to protect myself. Specialised therapy sounds like a good idea.

Omg I'm so sorry, how awful. 💔

That's expected at their age, OPs friend it was more out of the blue. It's still horrible to lose both your parents but I'm not sure it's comparable

@RedHelenB I’m not sure if you misread @Nsky62 ’s post but it is not expected to lose both your parents at the same time in an accident at any age.

I’m sorry for your loss @Nsky62

I lost my dad at 16, my mum went I to a care home with dementia when I was 17 (she was 45) and she died 2 years ago when I was 28.

Life's cruel, but would I say I haven't "got over it"?? I sometimes think of them, I sometimes think of how things could of been different or feel sad that they are missing out on my children etc but then I get on with my day thankful that I'm here for my kids.

Each and every one of us will experience grief and it can be devastating but somehow we need to find a way through the trench of emotions and continue living our lives.

It's the price we pay for love 💖

Thanks

Sort of expected, or More expected in my 50s