To think schools should have rules for everyone or don't bother having them

[Whatisgoingonheredear]

School are once again pulling some people up on minor uniform issues.

A kid has a pink stripe on her PE trainers instead of them being black. Meanwhile another child wears spiderman trainers as his main school shoes daily.
Hair bands have to be school colours only and subtle. Meanwhile another child is wearing a unicorn hairband daily.
No stand-out hair styles or unnatural colours. One girl has had purple hair since last year.
No toys for little ones in class unless you need fidget toys, in which case you need special permission from the teacher. This one I do understand but unsurprisingly, there has been a rise in children thinking "if I mess around I can take a toy in". Instead of this rule, just make a bucket of fidget toys available for the teacher to pass out as needed? Then there are no toys from home and everyone's needs are also met.

Expecting this thread to go badly but I think you either enforce rules or you don't bother having them.
For context, state primary, juniors.

I'm constantly bemused by parents whose kids say this to them that can't just explain that some children find some things harder than others (probably with an example of something else they find difficult themselves). They're probably the sort of people who complain about someone else having a standing desk at work.

And WHY does everyone assume children who need reasonable adjustments are 'badly behaved'? DD has never had a single behaviour issue reported, but she does need ear defenders, soft trousers and separate desk and a fidget. I'm sure she'd merrily swap that for not being disabled.

'm constantly bemused by parents whose kids say this to them that can't just explain that some children find some things harder than others (probably with an example of something else they find difficult themselves).

how would that help? How do you measure "struggling"?
You would basically say to a child that yes, they are struggling, but they have to tough it up when others don't. Kids are not stupid either, when it comes to colour and uniform there really are different rules for different people.

complain about someone else having a standing desk at work.
that's not a great example...

I doubt if every school and every teacher explains things in the sensible way you do.

However, I'm not with obsessively strict rules about uniform in general, regardless of exceptions.

Why would you be saying that? If they have a particular difficulty then speak to the teacher or Senco and ask for an adjustment. Teachers do this every day for all children anyway through differentiation. If a child needs a reasonable uniform adjustment, yes there will be a different rule for them. Or maybe there have been big attendance problems with a child and the school has chosen not to go nuts about having the wrong trainers- because it's not the child's fault the parent can't get the right shoes and they need to be in school. You have no idea about the complications in some children's lives. Just getting there can be epic for some kids who may have chaotic lives, be a young carer etc..some children are 'toughing it out' every single day for their entire childhood. It's not like finding identifying a fronted adverbial a bit tricky.

Why is a standing desk a bad example? It's ok to make reasonable adjustments for adults and not for children? What about a different working pattern for disabled colleagues, or uniform adjustments? Or disabled adults just shouldn't work?

It's funny as I write this I'm at DC's swimming club; they swim with the disability stream of a mainstream club. None of the mainstream parents have ever complained that the coaching groups for disability are much smaller because they know if they struggle with one particular element of a stroke overall they still have a much easier time of it, and anyway they'll get help to correct it with some individual attention anyway. The coaching costs are the same per session for disability and mainstream.

Honestly I'd switch out DC's disability any day for some everyday struggles and it makes me really sad that some adults look at disabled children with such meanness and as taking away from their children. If you think there aren't enough resources to go round, vote differently, pay more tax, write to your representative. Don't blame kids.

Dinnerplease
the desk is not a great example, because it's exactly the kind of things that will or can benefit most people. More urgently for those with a specific medical reason, but enough people suffer from the odd back back and injury they actually need one to.
I am not saying they should not be provided by some, but that they should be accessible to ALL. That's why it's a bad example.

maybe there have been big attendance problems with a child and the school has chosen not to go nuts about having the wrong trainers
exactly. Rewarding the bad behaviour and letting them get away with everything.
Dismissing that other kids will push through - or be dragged to school they hate/ are bullied in and so on - but don't make a public drama about it.

because it's not the child's fault the parent can't get the right shoes
so all the parents should just refuse to provide the uniform until the school gives up? It relies a bit too much on the parents good will to push through doesn't it.

That's my point. Most kids have their own personal struggles. There should not be one rule for some but a different one for others. We are not talking about wheelchair users having access to disabled teachers toilets or the lift when everybody else must take the stairs, because in this instance, a child with a temporary broken leg will be allowed the same access, so it is fair.

The other things are accessible to all though if you need them. I'm in the public sector and we're not going to provide standing desks to everyone even if everyone would use them occasionally because they cost loads more money. You have to ask for one and get approval from occupational health. This is probably true in the private sector as well. If you need a uniform adjustment or a fidget toy or extra maths just bloody ask for it, like SEND parents have to do for everything. The reasonable adjustment fairy godmother didn't descend and grant us all 3 wishes.

And no, I don't think a child should be kept out of school because they have chaotic parents who can't sort proper shoes out.

There is a much more important argument about schools not being set up well for a lot of learners, but you can thank Michael Gove for that. The school one of my DC goes to, which has a very high rate of FSM, loosened up on quite a few uniform requirements last year because proper shoes and branded items were out of reach and they recognised they would spend lots of time policing it and having antagonistic relationships with parents about it. Want a change? Speak to the head, join the governors, none of it is impossible.

And recognise the value of diversity. It's the brilliance of state schooling.

This is exactly right, just because your child is NT doesn't mean that they don't ever need any sort of comfort toy or whatever, it's not fair.

I think you are struggling with hidden disabilities. Just because you can't see them and/or don't understand them, doesn't make them any less real or significant. Brain function is quite a big deal when it comes to the capacity to behave normatively.

Let's be charitable and assume you've never had to think about how different life is for children with neurodevelopmental disorders and their families?

not at all. That's not my point

What I am saying is that we shouldn't dismiss the struggles of NT children and refuse them the same opportunities or adaptation.

recognise the value of diversity
by offering them all the same choices and adaptation. Otherwise you are literally denying the diversity.

If you need a uniform adjustment or a fidget toy or extra maths just bloody ask for it
what makes you think we don't?

There's a very unpleasant trend of thought that, because a child is NT and doing ok, all is well, they have an easy life and they need nothing. Everything is easy for them.

Then you have a problem with your specific school, unless you're asking for something like an emotional support animal to come in or a noisy toy. If your child does have a struggle that needs an adaptation then they do have some sort of SEND as defined within the current system. Between the 3 primaries my kids have been to and the secondary I'm a governor at we would never refuse a zero cost adaptation like uniform if the parent and child were able to let us know how it would help & it was causing distress that was impacting mental or physical health, attainment or attendance.

If you have been refused an adjustment I suggest you raise the issue through your school's complaint process.

I have an NT child with no SEND as well. Of course she has challenges. They are, by and large easier to manage and overcome and tend to be short lived. A special educational need can be all sorts of things. It can be social skills, being gifted, EAL, having chronic or mental health problems. Your school should not only be adapting for ND children although I would suggest that you have no idea of the details of individual children and their individual circumstances.

I agree with you O.P.
It's daft that your child had her fidget then away.
We are often advised that a " transitional object" usually a toy is helpful for children who find it difficult to go into school.
Rules that are not applied fairly can be particularly difficult for autistic children.

Perhaps they are having a word with those parents, you don't know.

My dc carried soft toy all the way through primary as he has asd (not apparent to other peope) and stopped lots meltdowns. It did cause lots of jealously and angry parents that their children weren't allowed to bring in toys. I tried to stop him taking it to school and the school requested he bring it as without it a meltdown lasted for an hour. A cuddle with his soft toy in quiet room 5 mins.

Sometimes you just can't win

I am in my 40's and when I was at primary we wore uniform until we grew out of it and then wore our own clothes until the start of the next school year as no one could afford new uniform. All our own clothes were from charity shops etc. it was common and I don't remember the school complaining.
Strangely enough they were super hot on footwear and I got banned from the climbing frame because I had grown out of the biggest size of the black plimsolls and you had to have them to go on the frame. I was already badly bullied for being odd (am Nd but didn't know) and having big feet without being banned from the climbing frame. Eventually my parents insisted on sitting down with the headmaster who spent 20 minutes examining my non black plimsolls, measuring my feet before declaring I was allowed on the climbing frame. That then led to the playground staff treating me horribly too as they didn't agree with his decision.
I think we get too worried as a country about uniform when we should be worried about the quality of the school, leaving the teachers to just concentrate on teaching and how our kids learn.