Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Withholding information is the same as lying, right?

66 replies

NamsteinBed · 16/01/2025 17:05

Without going into too much detail - DH has had the opportunity to tell me about something for a YEAR but hasn’t.

there were so many opportunities for it to come into conversation - I can think of several where it would have been perfectly normal for him to mention it. I found out via someone else in the end (and looked a fool).

He has now said he thought I wouldn’t react well and was biding his time. I am actually not bothered about the situation itself but have been really pissed off he’s said nothing. I feel like he’s lied to me. His argument is “see I knew you wouldn’t react well”

I have tried to explain I’m pissed at the fact he just didn’t tell me but he said “not mentioning something isn’t the same as lying”

AIBU to think that deliberately not saying something when you have had the opportunity to IS the same as lying?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 16/01/2025 17:06

I think there is a distinction but it's quite a fine one to make.

Not sure I'd want to tell someone something they'd be pissed off about

PrincessPeache · 16/01/2025 17:08

Completely depends on what it is.

Twice this year already I’ve “withheld” info from my DP - the first was an ADHD assessment (I didn’t want to tell him unless I was diagnosed, so that’s when I told him) and the second was that I thought I was in a lot of trouble at work (which I found out just before his birthday weekend and I didn’t want to spoil it because he would worry…I told him once I found out I wasn’t in any trouble).

He was fine with both of them and understood why I chose not to tell him until I did.

purpleme12 · 16/01/2025 17:13

I don't think it's the same no

But if he's withheld something he should have told you about then yes I can why you're pissed off

ProjectsGalore · 16/01/2025 17:15

Ooh sounds like you won the lottery and got my ex! He used to say exactly the same thing to me! He was an abusive unfaithful bully.

Devilsmommy · 16/01/2025 17:15

I guess you'd call it a lie of omission. Totally depends what it is and why it's withheld

RhathymicandMaenadic · 16/01/2025 17:15

being econimical with the truth isn't tecnically lying...
But, a shitty situation, nonetheless

mollymazda · 16/01/2025 17:17

but if you knew the information... why did you wait a year to confront? I guess it depends what information they witheld?

you sound petty

Everythingisnumbersnow · 16/01/2025 17:17

I'd say no they're often respecting confidentiality

Emilianoo · 16/01/2025 17:18

No its not the same. Lying is lying. Withholding something is withholding something. Lying is saying something that isn't true.

TangerineClementine · 16/01/2025 17:19

It does depend a bit on the situation. Some things up to him whether to tell you or not - personally I don't believe a married couple should always tell each other absolutely everything. Is it something that you need to know? Does it affect you?

filka · 16/01/2025 17:19

There is a distinction between

  • lying, which is a positive act to deceive you by telling you something that he knows to be wrong, in the expectation that you will believe it to be right
  • misleading by complete omission, or incomplete but individually true statements (the old "economical with the truth" issue) that create the impression of something without actually stating it.

But to the person being misled, it doesn't really change the end result, or the opinion of the person doing the misleading.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 16/01/2025 17:20

It's not the same thing, to lie you have to actively say something that is untrue. To not say something is very different IMO. We all have secrets we don't share or opinions we keep to ourselves, this doesn't make us all liars.

That said, in a marriage it's not ok to withhold information from each other and his excuse is a bit ridiculous. Plus if there is a chance someone else would tell you and you look a fool (as they did) then there is an even higher onus on him to tell you as a mark of respect to you.

YABU in your AIBU question but YANBU to be angry.

Sparklfairy · 16/01/2025 17:21

I think if knowing the information would have influenced your behaviour (i.e. you said you looked like a fool) and you had a right (or it would have been helpful) to know, then yes, it's lying by omission. Especially if the reason he didn't tell you was to avoid being pulled up for something that he shouldn't have done/was his fault. Obviously the caveat there is if you would jump down his throat for something minor/not your business etc then scrap that last bit. Basically if he's keeping something from you to avoid accountability, it's lying.

The keeping the ADHD assessment quiet upthread isn't the same IMO, and equates to being entitled to your privacy until you know what's what.

Konstantine8364 · 16/01/2025 17:22

Depends what it is and what it relates to. Didn't tell you he's been having lunch daily and secret phone calls with another woman, then he's a dick. Didn't tell you about something relating to his family or his own health that doesn't impact you, that's his own choice.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/01/2025 17:22

I think it is lying by omission, @NamsteinBed.

When your DH says ‘not mentioning something isn’t the same thing as lying’, my reply would be “It isn’t being honest either, is it.” I am willing to bet he knew that you would want to know this information, so his decision not to tell you was an active and deliberate choice - he didn’t forget to tell you, he decided not to - and that is dishonest.

dragonfliesandbees · 16/01/2025 17:24

Of course it's not the same. But, depending what it is, it could be just as upsetting as being lied to.

zerogrey · 16/01/2025 17:25

Depends if it's life altering information or not. If he held something back that alters his life, and/or yours, then that's bad. If it's something that's not going to make a blind bit of difference then no, it's not the same as lying.

What did he not tell you?

Snorlaxo · 16/01/2025 17:28

Usually yes.

There are times where you might not mention something out of kindness eg I might downplay how much pain I’m in so my child did not worry but as I’ve said many times to my kids as they were growing up, sometimes you need to tell people news that might make them angry, jealous, upset because the “lie” will become the issue and that can be unfair.

It depends what you h lied about. If it’s something like your MIL (who you’re not keen on )is coming to stay overnight starting tomorrow then yanbu to want him to tell you asap even though you won’t be thrilled.

I told my kids to always tell me when they screwed up. In most cases, screw ups can be fixed and not talking about it often makes it worse. Over time they learned to talk to me and I learned to react appropriately. This made our relationship stronger and will hopefully help when they are in romantic relationships and have to tell their partner something that they won’t like to hear. I think they also prefer knowing “bad” stuff rather than discover that I kept it from them.

Daysnconfuddled · 16/01/2025 17:29

Depends on the context completely. You've not really told us anything in the OP what this is about.

GagaBinks · 16/01/2025 17:29

I'm with you on this, OP.

pickleslag · 16/01/2025 17:30

Depends.

If he lost his job a year ago and has been unemployed that would be a big issue. Or been a cocaine addict for a year.

If he has been doing a knitting class for a year without you knowing, not an issue.

KrisAkabusi · 16/01/2025 17:31

It's not the same. He might have promised to keep something confidential, it might be something he felt personal to him that he didn't want to share. He might have been worried about an (over)reaction from you because that's what you do. It's not a black or white issue

Sleepandchocolate2202 · 16/01/2025 17:31

I don’t think it’s quite the same as lying but deliberately withholding information is still untrustworthy behaviour

Sleepandchocolate2202 · 16/01/2025 17:32

I don’t think it’s quite the same as lying but deliberately withholding information is still untrustworthy behaviour

7ft1garysson · 16/01/2025 17:33

It depends on whether it affects you and if it’s your business to know (ie affects your children, finances etc)

Have you asked him directly to confirm or deny this information?

i said YABU as I don’t think withholding info is the same as lying in all circumstances

Swipe left for the next trending thread