Withholding information is the same as lying, right?

[NamsteinBed]

Without going into too much detail - DH has had the opportunity to tell me about something for a YEAR but hasn’t.

there were so many opportunities for it to come into conversation - I can think of several where it would have been perfectly normal for him to mention it. I found out via someone else in the end (and looked a fool).

He has now said he thought I wouldn’t react well and was biding his time. I am actually not bothered about the situation itself but have been really pissed off he’s said nothing. I feel like he’s lied to me. His argument is “see I knew you wouldn’t react well”

I have tried to explain I’m pissed at the fact he just didn’t tell me but he said “not mentioning something isn’t the same as lying”

AIBU to think that deliberately not saying something when you have had the opportunity to IS the same as lying?

difficult to comment without know what he was withholding, I would be annoyed as-well if I had to hear it through a friend

No, it's not lying. That doesn't mean you can't be crossed about it, particularly if it's a situation that affects you too in some way.

Saying that, I've found that 99% of the time, omission does involve some degree of lying too in most situations, even if it's about something else/some tangential, in order to keep omitting "that" information.

Depends what he didn't tell you.

He hit the car and got it fixed and didn't want to say - then meh

He spent all his pension savings on lottery tickets - bigger deal

It's not exactly the same but it's still an unkind thing to do because you feel it has made you look foolish. Presumably you have done or said something publicly which you wouldn't have done if you had known the true situation? Also, he can't accurately say how you would have reacted a year ago because he withheld that choice from you and has made you less likely to trust him in the future. Sometimes information is private or not up to the secret-holder to share, though.

I dont want to say exactly what the scenario is as it is likely very outing, hope you can understand that. I am struggling to thing of a comparison but if I do I’ll come back with that.

It’s not a surprise weekend away or a medical diagnosis - if it was either of them I would of course get it (right to privacy/surprise etc)

It IS something that would have influenced my actions if I’d known.

I get that he didn’t want to tell me because it was a bit of an awkward conversation.He said he didn’t know how I would react - honestly worst case scenario I would have been a bit bummed for like a day and then got over it, because it’s not something I can change.

By not knowing, it has also made me look petty/stupid. By not telling me he has let people assume that narrative. I bumped into someone involved and was basically a “why tf wouldn’t you know this” scenario. If I’d have known I would have definitely done things that would show I am NOT petty or being a bitch about it.

Worst of all he doesn’t get that I’m upset he didn’t tell me. I am upset about that, not the actual scenario itself. But to him, it’s proof I would have reacted badly, why am I like this etc. it feels so unfair.

And it is something I would have 10000% have found out in the end. In fact, that’s exactly what happened. It makes me think like “how stupid do you think I am?”

It’s something that would have benefited me to know, regardless of how I felt about it.

Meaning Of Telling Lies
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" To Intentionally deceived someone"_

Not the same

Do you normally over react / react badly to things that he has told you, if you do then that I think you know why he did it

The larger issue in your relationship is the problem. The larger issue is that for whatever reason he avoids being honest and open with you—and then blames you for his refusal to be honest. Reasons for him being avoidant and secretive are 1) childhood habit/trauma, 2) cowardice, 3) shame, 4) bad intentions. Each of these is a serious problem in a marriage. He lacks trust in you, and respect for you. That is what it amounts to. The stupider and more insignificant the lie the stupider and more insulting his “ reason” that you would have been “upset.” So what? Is he a toddler and can’t handle mummy being upset? Or is he selfish and arrogant and doesn’t see a need to negotiate and share information if he doesn’t just get a complete pass from his partner?

Not at all. But this would have been an awkward conversation. Definitely worse after putting it off for a year.

Thanks for assuming the problem is me though

OP was deceived into believing something that wasn't the case as a result of him not telling her crucial information.

Liars tie themselves in knots trying to wriggle out of admitting they lied. If you intentionally mislead, omit information, or give half-truths, they're all technically lying.

White lies (like to save people's feelings) and shit that is none of your business to know in the first place are still lies. Lies aren't always bad, but they sound bad because 'lie' is such a loaded and accusatory word.

There’s lying by omission and it can be just as bad as outright lying. My ex used to do it, and it would infuriate me. The end result being the same, ie you can’t trust them.

Given the reasons he did it (because he thought you "wouldn't react well") then yes in my books it's basically the same thing. It's lying by omission.

Really though it doesn't matter whether or not you class it as lying. What he did was still not great.

Even if you don't call it a lie, that doesn't mean it's OK.

He's gaslighting you.