Withholding information is the same as lying, right?

[NamsteinBed]

Without going into too much detail - DH has had the opportunity to tell me about something for a YEAR but hasn’t.

there were so many opportunities for it to come into conversation - I can think of several where it would have been perfectly normal for him to mention it. I found out via someone else in the end (and looked a fool).

He has now said he thought I wouldn’t react well and was biding his time. I am actually not bothered about the situation itself but have been really pissed off he’s said nothing. I feel like he’s lied to me. His argument is “see I knew you wouldn’t react well”

I have tried to explain I’m pissed at the fact he just didn’t tell me but he said “not mentioning something isn’t the same as lying”

AIBU to think that deliberately not saying something when you have had the opportunity to IS the same as lying?

Is it a situation where you’re not angry but feel another emotion like embarrassed? If my h knew that someone had fertility issues but let me talk about babies with them multiple times over the past year then I’d wish I’d had the heads up. He might have been told not to tell me but a gentle “some people have fertility issues” or “some people don’t want babies so don’t talk about babies so much” would have been handy and he wouldn’t have had to lie.

I’ve been in the situation where somebody has told me a secret and I’ve specifically asked if I can tell my h. Sometimes it’s yes and sometimes no which is up to the person with the secret,

You say it’s not quite the same but OP hasn’t actually said what her DH has withheld from her… it could be the same or very similar.

Agree with others that it really depends what it is.

My sister for some unknown reason thinks any withholding of information is the same as lying.

Whilst this is usually harmless, I bumped into her when I was on a date with a man about 10 months after my marriage broke down (legally separated but not yet divorced) and she told my ex. Her justification was that "he should know the truth" but all it caused was pain. It was a first date with this man and it didn't go anywhere.

Between partners though, and it made you look a fool when you did find out via other means, maybe it' different.

No - I’ve just found out and realised he’s had a year to tell me

Without knowing the circumstances it is impossible to say.

Its the same in my book.

Lying by omission can cause as much damage.

No, it isn't. But ultimately, every situation is different. There may have been a good reason for "witholding information" - are you able to see it from his point of view, OP?

I agree that if knowing the information would have influenced your own decisions then it's as bad as lying.

Purposeflly not telling you something in order to avoid difficult conversations or whatever may not be lying, but it is almost never okay. Obviously there are some nuances here, but, for example, not telling you that he's taken up cycling at lunch time at work ight not be a big deal but I'd certainly see it as deceitful and would be upset if I heard about it via a third party. Not telling you that he gave his sister £500 if it didn't impact you at all and if he knew you'd be upset is a bit deceitful, but perhaps understandable. Not telling you that he has developed a love for smoked salmon sandwiches is a complete irrelevance.

It's not the same, but depending on the circumstances it can be as bad.

I would say he is being dishonest.

I would see it as the same as lying. It is lying by omission.

It's like finding out your husband is a bigamist because he never bothered to get divorced. And then saying that's not a lie??

If you know that your partner would be upset by something and you don't tell them, then you are lying by ommission. This differentiates it from simply not telling a partner something.

Depends what the thing is and whether you need to know.

Your minor child had an accident in his care whilst you were away and they had a mild concussion- need to know

He went for promotion and didn't get it- don't need to know

Piece of gossip about someone else- dont need to know

There's prob lots of things I don't tell dh. If it directly affected our family life, financials, Health etc then I most likely would tell him.

To me Lying is asking someone something directly and them not telling you the truth. Or them telling you a complete fabrication about something that you later find out wasn't true.

yup "suppresio veri" is the same as "suggestio falsi" https://thelawdictionary.org/suppressio-veri/

Really depends what it is.

Had an affair he didn't tell you about is lying.
Broke a plate and didn't bother telling you because you were an a shitty mood anyway not really lying.

i see... are you going to share what 'it' is/was? i do think its pertinent to the post

Not being honest
Deception
The worst for me is when someone thinks they will 'deal with it for me'.
No need to worry your pretty little head about that I will do it.

I also think it depends.

There are some clear reasons stuff should remain confidential, but I am assuming you aren't talking about those.

I think what it comes down to is, is it something he ought to have told you, or something you would like him to have told you.

There are some things where there is some kind of obligation to say something to a spouse, and it's bad if you don't.

Was it likely that you’d find out or was your h banking on you never knowing or somebody who wasn’t him telling you?

Does this info involve your kids? Is it serious like something involving the police or financial ?

Do you think that you’ll feel better once the shock of finding out has subsided? How shocked would you have been if he told you?

It depends... did he not mention he has a mistress or that he called in sick to work one day but stayed home instead to rest?
If the information withheld affects you, I agree, but otherwise why do partners have to tell each other everything?

What kind of information are talking about?

Agree

It really depends on what it is though. I mean I don't tell my DH everything (not about my hidden chocolates for ex). Is it something that concern you?

I suppose it depends on what it is.

He's booked a dream holiday for himself and told others but not you. So you feel foolish when others mention it.

He's paid for extended family holiday and not told you.

So many scenarios it could be.

Have you ever read Enid Blyton books? The kids in the famous five never lie but they do give ambiguous (but truthful) answers sometimes.

Unless you specifically asked him about it and he told you no, then he hasn't lied.

Not telling you something isn't lying. It depends what it was and how important it was for you to know.