WIBU to confront this mum re: arranging playdate?

[Sessilia]

Hi all!

First of all I should mention I'm not British, and sometimes struggle with picking up on subtle social cues, coming from a more direct and expressive cultural background.

My DD (just turned 6) goes to school with a girl, let's call her Betty (also just turned 6). DD really likes Betty and has been asking for a playdate for a while. I contacted her mum and she seemed happy to arrange something initially, although we didn't settle on a date immediately. Over the next few weeks I have messaged a few times but every time it is not convenient, or she responds something like "Sounds fun - I'll get back to you later" (and then never does). I have also asked when would be convenient for them, but no response. For the past few weeks it's been quiet. But my DD keeps asking for a playdate with Betty. I know she has asked Betty at school once, and according to DD Betty said no that time. Then again, I know DD sometimes says no to kids she really likes and would play with normally because she's tired / she knows she has ballet class or a dentist appointment / is not up for it and she lacks the social skills to respond like we would ("I'm sorry, I can't today, but another time I'd love to"). Then again, maybe Betty just doesn't want to and that of course is fine. She does play with other kids after school, so it might just be that the feelings of friendship aren't mutual.

My first idea was to just encourage DD to arrange playdates with other kids, and she does. She gets along with her classmates in general. But she keeps bringing up Betty, and I'm not sure how to respond. I wonder if it'd be too direct to text Betty's mum something along the lines of DD still wanting to play, but it seems like it might not be a good time for them now, so if that's the case, just let me know, and I'll keep encouraging DD to ask other kids? Or even ask her at pick up? At least then I know it's not going to happen, and I can think about how to let DD down gently.

She isn’t going to directly tell you “no, we just don’t want to”. That would be rude.

She has indirectly told you no repeatedly, and the child has said no too.

The answer is no. So leave it.

You just say gently I’m sorry, but Betty and her mum always seem to be too busy, so let’s ask someone else instead. I wouldn’t push it with the mum, if they wanted to do it they would have already.

I find that if kids are keen for a play date then the parent will respond quickly. Sorry op just tell your dc they are too busy. It happens

Unfortunately it sounds to me like Betty doesn't want to and the mum is trying to avoid having to explain that. That's not to say it's because of your DD, it might just be that Betty doesn't like play dates etc with anyone.

I'd just leave it, and encourage your DD to play with other children/arrange other play dates anyway like you would if mum said no.

It’s a tricky one. It’s not clear if the mum is just a bit of a flake or doesn’t want to help facilitate the playdate for some reason. But in any case it sounds like you have made your best attempts to arrange it but she is just not engaging properly.

In this instance I would tell your daughter Betty can’t make it and ask other kids.

I completely understand you wanting to accommodate your daughter’s wishes, I would feel the same but it sounds like you have already done everything you can reasonably do. You could also try talking to the mum at the school gates but I don’t think it will lead to a different outcome if you have tried a few times without success.

Confront her?
Er, no, don’t ‘confront’ her.

Does Betty have play dates with other kids? Don’t say anything to the other parent, OP. You’ve already put it out there and the parent has not responded with an invitation. If she wants to, she will be in touch. If you message her, it will probably come across as pushy.

Gosh I wish it was the done thing to just kindly say 'I'm sorry but Betty isn't keen on a playdate so it's not going to happen'. That's hardly rude!

I remember when ds was at nursery I approached a mum and said my son had been asking to hang out with her son one day and she said 'really? Wow, erm, x hasn't mentioned your kid once so idk from our side'.

Why are people so offended by honesty?!

English isn't OP's first language. She doesn't mean confront in the agressive sense, if you read the whole post

Betty and/or her mum clearly don’t want to play/organise anything so I’d stop asking and encourage other play dates with other kids.

Don’t confront her face to face. She’s not going to tell you the truth and you’ll look like an aggressive weirdo.

I would just tell your daughter that you've asked Betty's mum and they're always too busy so let's invite x instead - don't make any big deal of it. If Betty or her mum don't want a playdate for whatever reason, you just have to accept that.

Perhaps, when the weather is better, you could suggest to Betty's mum that the four of you go to the park after school, @Sessilia?

I think you should just leave it. I was in a similar situation to Betty's mum where my son's classmate's mum kept inviting my son around for a playdate. My son did not want to go as he found his classmate moody and a bit unpredictable, wants to be friends one day not speaking to my son the next day.

I kept saying we were busy etc and thankfully the mum left it. I really didn't want to have the conversation with her about her son's behaviour as I like her and I hate confrontation!!

Just tell your child Betty’s not available for now and ask who she’d like to have instead.

It's a no

It isn't necessarily because Betty doesn't want to, it could be that the mum is anxious about her child being with people she doesn't know really well. In fact, I would think that more likely. I would just tell your dd that Betty is not able to come for a play-date at the moment, but hopefully some other time. And just give it time to maybe get to know the mum a bit better in an organic way.

I'd probably leave it. She's not interested.

You've given various options including asking when's good for her and you haven't got anything back.

She genuinely might be mega busy with work/multiple kids/elderly parents or anything, so don't take it personally. But I'd say don't ask again.

It does sound liek Betty or her mum don't want to do a playdate.

But, just to check, have you said something vague like, "Would Betty like to come for a playdate - let me know when is convenient?" or specific like, "Would betty like to come over to ours after shool on Tuesday or Wednesday next week?" Because I am generally fine with playdates, but the former always annoys me a bit and/or results in me not doing the work required to organise the play date. Becuase suddenly I have to do lots of thinking, "okay, which days are good for us? What do I prefer? How can I make this work?" and then also go back to the person who almost ALWAYS then comes back with, "oh, I can't do Tuesdays" or whatever it is. But if I'm asked, "Is Tueday or Wednesay godo for you" I can quickly assess them and respond accordingly. Because quite frankly, I am busy and stressed and the effort involved in organising is too much for me.

Also, depending on exactly how the interaction has gone, it could be that you do say something to her casually like, "DD has been very keen on a playdate but I'm not sure if perhaps Betty is less keen or just doesn't like playdates and would prefer a trip to the park or something? Either way is completely fine but it would help me to manage DD's expectations." But I am conscious that I am not English either and that many of my English friends have turned out to be not 100% english (eg a foreign parent or lived overseas for a long time or similar).

Betty clearly doesn't want the play date and the mum is therefore not arranging it. I am not sure how much clearer the situation could be other than the mum saying 'no betty doesn't want to' which would be rude and cause offence. You need to tell your dd that Betty doesn't want a play date and that's fine.

This. Some people don't take no for an answer and it's not always right to be blunt. So read the cues and leave it.

It’s not 100% certain they don’t want a play date but yes I’d leave arranging for now. Maybe just try make idle chit chat with the mum on pick ups and see if you can get to nice acquaintance level and see how things progress with the kids.

Betty isn’t going to have a playdate with your daughter and the mum has been pretty clear about it, as has Betty. There could be any number of reasons for it that the Mum doesn’t want to go into from Betty doesn’t actually like your DD, her house is a complete mess so she feels she can’t reciprocate, Mum doesn’t trust anyone she doesn’t know etc. etc. It doesn’t really matter, it’s not happening regardless so there’s no need to ‘confront’ her or anything. Just tell your DD Betty is too busy after school, ask who else she plays with and then message those mums and hopefully book in a couple of playdates with different friends over the next few weeks.

Have you made it clear that you're inviting this child to your house to play? Just checking as from your OP it's not super clear and she might think you're wanting your child to go to her house?

‘If you read the whole post’ - ironic.

The OP says she isn’t British (neither am I) not that English is not her first language (it is mine). Her English is perfect. She makes it clear in the last paragraph that she is thinking of being ‘direct’. I am advising against that. As others have pointed out, she’s got her answer, albeit indirectly. ‘Should she confront’ is, literally, her question. And, she should not, is the advice.

It's a clear 'no' from Betty and/or the mum.
Just forget about it.
If/when they are ready, the mum will approach you.