WIBU to confront this mum re: arranging playdate?

[Sessilia]

Hi all!

First of all I should mention I'm not British, and sometimes struggle with picking up on subtle social cues, coming from a more direct and expressive cultural background.

My DD (just turned 6) goes to school with a girl, let's call her Betty (also just turned 6). DD really likes Betty and has been asking for a playdate for a while. I contacted her mum and she seemed happy to arrange something initially, although we didn't settle on a date immediately. Over the next few weeks I have messaged a few times but every time it is not convenient, or she responds something like "Sounds fun - I'll get back to you later" (and then never does). I have also asked when would be convenient for them, but no response. For the past few weeks it's been quiet. But my DD keeps asking for a playdate with Betty. I know she has asked Betty at school once, and according to DD Betty said no that time. Then again, I know DD sometimes says no to kids she really likes and would play with normally because she's tired / she knows she has ballet class or a dentist appointment / is not up for it and she lacks the social skills to respond like we would ("I'm sorry, I can't today, but another time I'd love to"). Then again, maybe Betty just doesn't want to and that of course is fine. She does play with other kids after school, so it might just be that the feelings of friendship aren't mutual.

My first idea was to just encourage DD to arrange playdates with other kids, and she does. She gets along with her classmates in general. But she keeps bringing up Betty, and I'm not sure how to respond. I wonder if it'd be too direct to text Betty's mum something along the lines of DD still wanting to play, but it seems like it might not be a good time for them now, so if that's the case, just let me know, and I'll keep encouraging DD to ask other kids? Or even ask her at pick up? At least then I know it's not going to happen, and I can think about how to let DD down gently.

I suspect Betty doesn't want the playdate. If she did, she'd be mithering her mother about it and her mother would be much keener to get it organised.

Best thing to do is to distract your DD with other playdates/friendships. That doesn't mean that her friendship with Betty won't change over time but for not it's one that the mum isn't keen to develop, for some reason.

Edited to add: Leave it friendly but in the mum's court. So I'd respond to her message about 'another time" with "Great. Maybe we can arrange something at a less busy time." and just leave it there.

I'm from the UK but after 15 years in Germany, I don't think I could go back to the British "politeness". I love how direct Germans are and you always know where you stand 🙈
But yes I would leave it now, don't message again. Ask your dd is there is anyone else she'd like to invite.

I would assume the mum is just busy and/or disorganised. Just tell your daughter that you and Betty's mum haven't been able to find a good day for it, which is the truth. There's nothing to have a confrontation about - you've invited them and the ball is in their court.

I'm sure it's not because of any dislike - much more likely something mundane. Betty's mum probably feels guilty every time she sees you and remembers she still hasn't replied properly!

Also, it doesn't sound like you've spoken much to Betty's mum in person. It's so much easier to think about planning a playdate when you know the other mum and there's no awkwardness about "who is she again? Are they a nice family?". See if you can bump into her now and then and develop a friendly rapport, and then an opportunity will naturally present itself. It might be that Betty comes to a group activity or birthday party, and that lays the foundation for the friendship to develop.

At 6, it's not just a playdate for the kids but also for the parents. If the parents aren't keen on making polite chit chat, then they'll decline.

By 6 my DCs were doing playdates on their own unless the other mum was a particular friend of mine too.

I had this with someone when DC was at primary. I asked a few times but they were always busy. For some reason the mum didn't seem to like me. We live in a reasonably small community and there were times she'd cross the road to avoid me, or step into shops when I've been approaching on the High Street. No idea why. Five years in when I see her, she's friendly but a bit cool.*
We've offered playdates before at the park so there's an easy out if the kids don't get on, and we've also made sure the parent knows they can come along too, so their child isn't with a stranger.
We ended up making lots of friends on the basis that "X can't make it, how about you ask someone else?"

*I mentioned this to another mum friend and she'd experienced exactly the same thing from the same person. The child in question was allowed some playdates but they seemed to only be with the Queen Bee mums kids, not any normal, boring people like us. 😆

As a nation, the Brits do tend to err on the side of avoidance rather than openly saying ‘no chance, please don’t ask again’. If you have to ask someone more than twice, it’s probably never going to happen.

There are exceptions, of course. The child might just be really busy or the mum being really disorganised or maybe there’s something going on at home which means the mum would be unable to return the invitation. Or she might just find the concept of ‘play dates’ incredibly cringey and refuse to deal with anyone who uses that phrase, rather than ‘Can Betty come round to play’? But you’ve made it clear now that Betty is invited beyond sorting a date and time, so the only option now is to see if she ever mentions it to you. If she doesn’t, it’s not happening.

I’ve never heard of parents staying at a playdate for 6YOs. You pick the DC up from school and their Mum or Dad collects them from your house after tea.

It's very obvious she doesn't want this playdate, probably because Betty doesn't. Drop it.

It’s quite obvious they don’t want to, accept that and move on.

There could be loads of reasons why the mum isn’t getting back to you: if she’s ill, really busy at work, having a relationship breakdown, scatty, too much to do. Or as others have said, maybe her daughter isn’t keen on play dates. Or that the friendship isn’t there for Betty.

The outcome of this is all the same though, don’t ask again. Simply say to your DD that you don’t think it’s going to be possible to arrange a play date but of course she can still play with Betty at school.

I’d make a direct invitation. “Dd would like to invite Betty after school for a play and some dinner. Would next Thursday work for you? You could pick her up at 6:30 if that’s convenient.”

Then if it’s a no, fair enough, you tried. The trouble with vague intentions like “we should sort something out” is life keeps getting in the way.

Leave it. You can’t force a playdate on a parent or child. She clearly doesn’t want to. You sound pushy and far too invested in this.

I'd try one more time by offering a specific playdate time and date and activity. If that gets turned down, leave it forever.

Leave it be.

I don't think that's fair. The OP's daughter is melting her head about it! That's the only reason she has kept trying.

As I said though, you can’t force a playdate. It’s up to the parent, not OP’s child.

Betty doesn't want to and her mum is politely putting you off.
Just accept the no.

It was the "You sound pushy and far too invested in this" I felt was unfair. I really don't think she is.

Clearly she is ^^

When you say clearly....?

Ummm yes?

I’m not British. Remember: when they want to do a play date with you - you’ll get the answer.
Betty’s mum told you a few times in her usual British way that she didn’t want to arrange a play date with you. Betty doesn’t want to or mum doesn’t want to - it doesn’t matter for you. Encourage DD to play with other kids.
Do kids play after school on a playground or at the local park? If yes, start with doing this and chat with mums to make a relationship.

I'd drop it as either Betty or her mum don't want to. If you contact them again it will look as though you're desperate and pushy tbh. I'd tell your daughter that it's not a good time for them and suggest she asks someone else.

I think the other mum has tried to disengage. It's time to stop asking for play dates. Do not confront her.