Partner watching female “fitness” video when I was asleep next to him

[Dexterinexeter]

I woke up this morning with severe period pains had to go to the toilet and change my whole pyjamas because I had bled through. Husband was cuddling me and initiating sex but I declined because I was in pain. He turned around and was watching TikTok on his phone. Asked him to get me some painkillers which he begrudgingly did. Then he was on TikTok when I was sleeping on his chest. Woke up to him watching a girl doing forward bends in tight leggings, it was a fitness video but it was admittedly attractive, the first thing I noticed was that she had a very big bum. He saw I was awake and said “wow isn’t it amazing her hips can go all the way forward”. Scrolled to next video which was something about video games so he hadn’t searched it out.

I was immediately annoyed and just said “yeah that’s what you were looking at”. Got up and went to work, all the while he was saying I’m not that type of person, I try and make you happy everyday, I wasn’t looking at it sexually etc.

I just went to work and said I find it disrespectful, that I was lying there and he would watch that, he was obviously in the mood for sex but I wasn’t in the mood.

Aibu to be annoyed? he’s made me feel like I’m overreacting which I might be because I’m in pain.

You could have just as easily woken up when the next video was on about games. This is why I don’t use TikTok as doom scrolling is real! I’ve been suckered in and end up watching videos I’ve usually no interest in without searching for it.

I think you’ve over reacted a bit, I’ve done the same, especially when on my period. I wouldn’t worry too much.

Honestly you can be annoyed for anything you want! On my period I'm quite ratty tbh.

However I'm not too fussed if it's clearly a workout video - whilst some are definitely made to be pervy, there's a whole host of female / male fitness influencers out there who put up informative videos.

I get suggested workout videos often on social media - about 50/50 between women doing workouts in gym wear and men (who are often more scantily dressed!). His next swipe was video games, it's clearly just a video that's popped up on the algorithm. He hadn't searched it to be a creep!

Tbh I wouldn't be happy seeing him watching videos of other women at any time but to see him doing it while you were in bed with him is particularly disrespectful.
I don't blame you for being upset.

You are being ridiculous. People scrolling through tiktok see all kinds, you can tell him what he should scroll faster on or what he's allowed to stay watching longer.

But trying to initiate sex while you're like that is pig behavior.

If I was scrolling TikTok in bed and a video of a gorgeous shirtless man lifting weights popped up in my feed, I'd certainly watch it.

Honestly, it's pretty harmless. It's just a pretty girl on TikTok. It's not like he was sitting there watching porn.

It's just a tiktok video, I'd have laughed and called my dh cheeky if he'd done this, not gone off in a huff

I couldn't be bothered about this whatsoever.

It's your relationship op. You both make the rules.

In mine we don't use our phones for doom scrolling or have any social media like that. If we are together we are present with eachother. We both do not oggle anyone else or watch any sexually suggestive content. We value our relationship over a quick hit of dopamine.

Invite your partner for a discussion to make some boundaries together. He doesn't have to agree but I'd say the consequences of his behaviour is leading you to feel unsafe not prespected a priority cherished chosen "insert whatever resonates for you" is doom scrolling really worth hurting and damaging the relationship with you? If it is to him then you might have to consider how you feel about the relationship.

It doesn't matter what anyone else accepts in their relationship. What do you want your relationship to look like?

I’d be way more pissed off with a partner who thought that just after I’d bled through my pyjamas would be a good time to initiate sex.

Here's why it would upset me too.

• TikTok / Instagram algorithms work in a way that pop up with videos of content you've already been watching / looking for. If new content pops up and you watch at least half of it, the same stuff will keep popping up. I wouldn't be surprised if he has been watching this stuff frequently.

• His defensiveness "I try to make you happy everyday" etc etc. only guilty people feel the need to explain themselves and deflect.

• I too would find it disrespectful if my partner was watching that stuff when I'm in bed next to them. Watch it in your own time, it is what it is, we can't expect humans not to find other humans attractive, but out of respect don't do it when your partner is in bed next to you.

• One last thing! If he's watching that stuff and initiating sex, it would play on my mind that the videos are the thing that are doing it for him in that moment. Not me. Certainly would put me off, period or no period

He was cuddling me and kissing me until I said no to sex, then turned round and was watching TikTok videos, which was a bit hurtful but ok. Then when I said it was disrespectful he said “why would I have shown you it if I thought it was attractive!” But he didn’t show me it, he thought I was asleep. The video was sexual, it was a woman thrusting the floor like she was having sex, and her bum was in the air. It wasn’t a fitness video showing flexibility at all.

Get a grip please.

If she was bending over, how were her hips going forward

It was a tiktok video ffs, unclench. Would you let him dictate what you could watch on tiktok?

Why is it hurtful to watch TikTok videos after you say no to sex? I don’t understand this, is there a period he has to just sort of lay there or something. You know he can’t control what comes on a TikTok reel.

honeslty I’d have laughed and commented she was attractive or something and needs must. And if some gorgeous bloke comes up in my reels I will watch.

do you have jealousy or insecurity issues?

Yes, he sounds like a bit of a knob

I can’t even imagine what kind of sex that is.

This shows some serious entitlement and integrity abuse behaviours/mindset.

Does your gut feel like there is more to this? Or a continuing pattern of behaviors that make you feel unsafe in the relationship.

Check out omar minwhallas secret sexual basement and integrity abuse.

Abuse from me?

Ffs upset hurt and Jealous over a tik tok video really grow up.

The video is a red herring. I would be more upset that the cuddle was only there to initiate sex and once you'd said no he stopped cuddling. It makes the intimacy of the cuddle very transactional.

No from him.

A loving partner would be concerned you was in pain. Might suggest a hot water bottle,massage ask you how they could help. Would continue wanting to be close with you in a way you wanted too.

He sounds more concerned about his 'needs' (really just wants)and his entitlement to sex.

Goodness this took a turn, now he’s abusive and he was supposed to massage you and be close to you in any way you want.

blimey who knew.

Yes, I really think you overreacted.

Unless there is more to this then I don't see any abusive behaviour here. He initiated sex, you asked him to stop and he did. He found a video on tick tok of an attractive woman - I think most men and probably a lot of women would have a good look.

The thing is op only you can decide what kind of relationship you want to be in. Maybe this was a one off and he will apologise and see how this has affected you. Or maybe its typical behaviour we can't say.

Others will judge this on their behaviours,intentions and what is acceptable in their relationships. Even behaviours they are trying to normalise. All of which is unhelpful to you. Its YOUR life. You and your partner are not them.
This affected you. You need to listen to that. A healthy partner would also want to understand what was going on for you because they care. Even if they dont agree they would listen and should have the intention of i dont want my partner to hurt how can we address this together.

We are all allowed to have different boundaries in our relationships that work for us/the couple. Everyone is different. But make sure YOU are happy with whatever you decide is acceptable or not.

We certainly don't have to just accept behaviour that feels hurtful to us because someone else says it doesn't effect them.