Expecting DH to put himself out so I can sleep well?

[everlysu]

My husband snores terribly, it's getting worse and it disturbs my sleep. Most nights I end up on the sofa, we don't have a spare room/bed.
This lack of sleep has been going on for years but I'm absolutely fed up now.

I have been diagnosed with chronic migraine, I get two to three a week and need to sleep. I've started medication and am seeing a neurologist.

DH says he can't sleep on the sofa necause he doesn't fit.

I wear earplugs which helps if I'm already asleep when the snoring starts, but if I wake in the night I can't go back to sleep even with them.

I am desperate for quiet uninterrupted sleep.

I talked to DH last night (not for the first time) but he brushed me off saying what's the difference if Im comfortable on the sofa.

I got annoyed and said he needs to see a doctor about it in case he has sleep apnea, and they can help him, which in turn will help me because it's not fair on me.

I went to bed early as usual to get to sleep before him. But it turns out he didn't come to bed, he stayed downstairs.

It was actually really peaceful and really nice not having the constant loud noise (muffled poorly by earplugs) and vibrations.

But now he's in a mood with me, I feel bad as if I've made him uncomfortable on the sofa and like I should be gushing with praise.

AIBU expecting him to put himself out for me to allow me a decent night's sleep?

get him an airbed

Can you replace the sofa with a really good sofa bed? Might be a decent solution then both of you can get a decent sleep?

Yes yabu.

You need a better solution,

Sofa bed. Air bed.

Fix the problem so you both can sleep.

You both need a good nights sleep. He needs to go to the GP and you need a comfortable spare bed you can take turns on

I'm going through this with my husband right now. He sleeps on the sofa almost every night as I refuse to, given that the problem is his, not mine.

He's finally arranged to see a healthcare professional after I threatened divorce and his back was starting to hurt from the lack of a proper bed.

If there's no spare room, he should absolutely be the one on the sofa. It might give him the kick in the arse to do something about it!

This - a trip to the GP is also a good idea and should happen to rule out anything health-related, but getting a good alternative bed will come in useful for other things as well, such as when someone is ill or if you want a guest over.

The fact that he won't go to the GP about his snoring shows his lack of care.

If you took it in turns to have the sofa, then how can he say that is unfair??

The obvious solution (as well as him going to a doctor) is to get a good quality sofa bed.

You can get comfortable folding camp beds. Google fishing bed or anglers bed. They are the full width of a single bed with shaped ends, adjustable legs/feet, and integral memory foam mattress. My dh is 6ft 4in & a big chap. He fits & is comfortable. We paid around £100 for ours plus extra for the zipped cover/case. They fold & store easily.
So until he sorts this, take turns in who sleeps where. It's only fair you both get a turn in the bedroom, not just him. You should both then get some sleep.

Thanks everyone, you've given me a lot to think about.
DH had a terrible sleep last night and I don't actually want that for him either.

Our current sofa is comfortable for me to sleep, but I've realised the problem is having to come downstairs and start making it as a bed (turn on lamp, put duvet underneath for warmth on leather sofa, set up single duvet and pillow to sleep in).
Some nights this wakes me up too much and I can't go back to sleep for hours.

So we're going to try DH making up the sofa ready for me when he goes to bed, so all I'm doing is going downstairs and hopping in.

My adult ds split with his gf and moved back home while he sorts out a new place to live so we're hoping once he does I can use his bed.

I'm going through this with my husband right now. He sleeps on the sofa almost every night as I refuse to, given that the problem is his, not mine.. I presume he’ll return the compliment if you get a bad cold and keep him awake with your coughing, or start soaking the bedclothes because you’re going through menopause.

Do you really think he’s doing it deliberately?

The refusal to go to the doctors is deliberate - I have no sympathy with snorers who won’t see the doctor.

If your husband is working hard to maintain a healthy weight, not drinking alcohol, and has exhausted all medical possibilities with his GP, I would offer to go turn about on the sofa with him, week on week off or similar. Whoever is sleeping on the sofa dictates what time bedtime is (within reason), and bedroom-sleeper vacates the living room at that time.

But if husband has not consistently tried everything possible to stop the snoring, he is a selfish twat who does not care enough about your health and comfort to put himself out a bit by losing weight/seeing the GP. In this case he can have the sofa every night. But if you can afford it, upgrade the sofa to a sofa bed.

@everlysu all that faffing with sofas etc just so he can avoid looking into why his snoring is so bad and how it’s impacting you and your health/sleep quality.

his absolute lack of action and effort to improve his own health would make me quite upset.

I bought a single mattress and kept it in the lounge - ex’s snoring was horrendous. I’m now blissfully divorced. Heaven.

I can't blame them. None of the "solutions" for sleep apnoea are particularly pleasant.

Forget the airbed - this man belongs in the doghouse.

He's a thoroughly selfish pig and I don't know why you've put up with this for so long.

But what if the main solution is losing several stone? That might not be the case, but it often is. My friend lost patience with her H as he refused to go to the Dr and also did nothing about his weight gain. Literally nothing. He didn’t even stop staying up Netflixing and snacking on crap until 1am. Just stopping night time snacking and going to bed earlier and losing a couple of stone might have made a difference - but he did nothing.

No, OP, you are not being unreasonable. This is ludicrous to say you are.

He's being incredibly selfish to not bother to see a doctor about it to try and make BOTH your lives easier. There are some incredibly selfish snorers out there. Lived experience here. If he can't be arsed to get it sorted or to at least try, he goes on the sofa. It would be a different story if he was doing all he could to sort it out.

Take it in turns but rather than going down when you are disturbed just sleep down there on your night have the bedding ready

Put your DS in with him and have his bed. Might spur DH into taking some action.

This is ideal imo but when I said this to DH he said what if he's not tired so not ready for bed then 🙄 oh sorry you have to go to bed an hour earlier so I can sleep!

Why is it the person suffering from the noise from the snoring who has to compromise on where they sleep?

If he won't do anything about his snoring then he sleeps on the sofa, not you.

If he goes to the GP, gets treatment & undertakes the treatment then you might consider alternating nights on the sofa.

He doesn't do anything about his snoring because it has absolutely no impact on his life. If he has to sleep on the sofa maybe he'll be motivated to do something about the snoring.

Thank you for saying this. The way he's not handling this situation is really making me question things tbh

What treatment is there for snoring?