Expecting DH to put himself out so I can sleep well?

[everlysu]

My husband snores terribly, it's getting worse and it disturbs my sleep. Most nights I end up on the sofa, we don't have a spare room/bed.
This lack of sleep has been going on for years but I'm absolutely fed up now.

I have been diagnosed with chronic migraine, I get two to three a week and need to sleep. I've started medication and am seeing a neurologist.

DH says he can't sleep on the sofa necause he doesn't fit.

I wear earplugs which helps if I'm already asleep when the snoring starts, but if I wake in the night I can't go back to sleep even with them.

I am desperate for quiet uninterrupted sleep.

I talked to DH last night (not for the first time) but he brushed me off saying what's the difference if Im comfortable on the sofa.

I got annoyed and said he needs to see a doctor about it in case he has sleep apnea, and they can help him, which in turn will help me because it's not fair on me.

I went to bed early as usual to get to sleep before him. But it turns out he didn't come to bed, he stayed downstairs.

It was actually really peaceful and really nice not having the constant loud noise (muffled poorly by earplugs) and vibrations.

But now he's in a mood with me, I feel bad as if I've made him uncomfortable on the sofa and like I should be gushing with praise.

AIBU expecting him to put himself out for me to allow me a decent night's sleep?

Do you have a 3rd bedroom or a dining room? A proper bed somewhere is what you need.

DH is a snorer and the nights when I can’t sleep because of it, he goes downstairs. We have acquired the fold up bed my parents bought for DS when he stays over and he sleeps on that. He feels awful that his snoring keeps me awake so he would never expect me to go downstairs over him. I think your DH is being unreasonable

I snore awfully and my husband can't bear it of if I sleep before him. I try to stay awake so he can sleep first but like you if he wakes up, I know he can't go back to sleep.
I have tried everything, pillows, strips, meds, and see GP. He used to go and sleep on sofa, but now we have a spare bedroom he goes there.
You need a good sofa bed for him. Everyone needs sleep and sometimes snoring has no answers to make it better.

@everlysu then he should take the setee. He's being unreasonable.

tbh this would be my solution - the best solution for you to both get a good night is him in the bedroom and you on the sofa.
And if that means he has to go to bed earlier? that's tough. Because the other option is you in the bedroom and him on the sofa, which doesn't work for him.

As for GP - meh. As pp said, most of the options are not fun for anyone. My DH snores a lot (and i grind my teeth and snore sometimes too, so fun for nobody) and both of us have been to the GP. None of the "solutions" have helped. But. DH won't sleep in the spare room, so if i wake up, i often do. Not really ideal for either of us but that is the solution that works for me.

Thank you! I snore too and was beginning to think maybe no other women did - I am 5’7’ and size 10/12 and work out daily so I don’t think it is weight and not sure what else I can do. I feel terrible if I wake DH but from reading this thread and other people’s reactions to snoring I wonder if I should be doing more to try to stop…but what???

Yanbu. You really aren't.
My DP used to snore badly - his was carrying extra weight on his stomach.
He used to wake himself up too but lost weight because he could see the negative impact it had on me.
He should be working with you on this rather than against you. This is the bit that would concern me the most, the lack of consideration and collaboration.

Plenty - weight management, CPAP machine

I’m a bit heavier than I want to be, but my BMI is only 26, which doesn’t make me obese.

I snore. I’m really sorry for my dp but there isn’t much I can do about it! I sleep downstairs but he says he can still hear me. I’ve ordered some bits to see if I can do something about it.

So, if your husband isn’t doing anything or doesn’t seem to care, then yanbu.

I don't know if you have identified a particular trigger for your migraine OP, but one of mine is most definitely broken sleep. Just saying......

The selfish shit should go to the doctor.

I'd go to a solicitor and get your ducks in a row. He doesn't give a shit about you or your health.

You're making an effort that's the important thing

The snorer should be the one who moves

But bmi 26 does make you overweight. It might be worth losing a bit of weight and increasing your fitness. Apparently it can make a difference.

Lego, he says he doesn't mind moving because his already awake. I do feel bad, but little I can do as I'm asleep so don't know. He also snores but I can sleep without too much fuss.

Mouth taping is a game changer. Has changed my life. No more snoring. Jowls are better. Jawline and also oral health. James Nestor book, Breath.
It’s not specifically for snoring but snoring is a by product of mouth breathing. small piece of surgical tape over your mouth vertically to stop your mouth falling open and then you snore. Try it. It really works.

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable, but you need to find a solution where you can both sleep in proper beds that are big enough for you. Hopefully your son's room will be the answer.

On Mumsnet there is a narrative that snorers are selfish bastards who have failed to go to their GP and "sort it out". I work in a hospital with a sleep service and I can tell you GPs don't have many solutions, don't want to refer, and if you are referred with simple snoring the outcome is usually a long wait and an imperfect solution. It is a bit like migraine actually, except there are better treatment options for that. Does he get resentful of your migraines?

Just to say the NHS does not recommend this.

Everyone who says about going to the doctors, what do you think they’ll do? Db went to the doctors for snoring and did tests and trials- not sleep apnea, no health issues, just snoring, they actually said he was getting good deep sleep!!

I found its the moving and trying to get warm again that makes it so hard to sleep too.
If you don’t want to change your sofa, get a single mattress, keep it behind the sofa, it might not be for long anyway.
Take turns, if he wants to stay up late then he came sleep on it. No one should be moving.

My friends husband snores so sometimes she goes to sleep on her very wide sofa. Problem is he wakes up and follows her because he’s ‘lonely’ immediately falls asleep and starts snoring again.

Poor sleep is bad for his health too. DH snores sometimes and I tell him it means he’s not sleeping well (so it justifies me punching him)

I disagree the solution for me was life changing & took me about 3 days to gets used to it & I was a new woman, hadn't felt so well in years I have central sleep apnea (differs slightly to the obstructive one that men seem to have) But the effect is the same. I snore like some sort of industrial machinery. I stop breathing many times a hour. It can cause all sorts of health issues if not treated, heart issues, depression etc plus affects day to day life as you are not actually getting a proper night's sleep & neither is any one else in the house! I have a CPAP machine, which is not terribly attractive, small mask over nose & mouth. But now I sleep a good 6 to 8 hrs a night. Plus DH can actually sleep in the same bed undisturbed. I can't now get to sleep without it & if I do feel dreadful afterwards. OPs Husband needs to see the Dr for referral to sleep specialist. For everyone's sake.

Living with a snorer I find that the biggest issue is if either he wakes me up, or I can’t get to sleep, then I just get angry with him. It’s irrational as he can’t fix the snoring and there is no obvious reason (sleeps on side, mouth closed, not overweight).

A plan to ensure one of us moves really is the only answer. We are lucky to have a spare room. On holiday I tend to go for an apartment with a separate sleeping option.

Good luck OP, he really needs to work with you more on this.

Neither is having a partner who constantly disturbs your sleep and refuses to even investigate any medical input into the matter. At least the snorer doesn't also have to deal with knowing how few fucks their partner gives.

I'm in a similar situation. Chronic migraines carefully medicated, desperately need uninterupted sleep, and a loudly snoring DH. My DH enjoys sleeping in our DS (3yo)'s bedroom with him, though. DS is delighted and feels safe and happy with his dad sleeping in his room. DH sleeps just fine and enjoys the bond and closeness this arrangement brings. He knows I'm grateful (and a little envious, though sleeping on a crappy mattress on the floor with a 3-yo child lying across my face would never work for me). And I get my much needed peace and quiet when I sleep.

My point is that yes, your DH should absolutely take your health into consideration and put himself out to help you.

That being said, my DH also point blank refuses to see any kind of medical professional about his snoring. He won't hear a word of it. And he can't sleep in our DS's room forever.