Expecting DH to put himself out so I can sleep well?

[everlysu]

My husband snores terribly, it's getting worse and it disturbs my sleep. Most nights I end up on the sofa, we don't have a spare room/bed.
This lack of sleep has been going on for years but I'm absolutely fed up now.

I have been diagnosed with chronic migraine, I get two to three a week and need to sleep. I've started medication and am seeing a neurologist.

DH says he can't sleep on the sofa necause he doesn't fit.

I wear earplugs which helps if I'm already asleep when the snoring starts, but if I wake in the night I can't go back to sleep even with them.

I am desperate for quiet uninterrupted sleep.

I talked to DH last night (not for the first time) but he brushed me off saying what's the difference if Im comfortable on the sofa.

I got annoyed and said he needs to see a doctor about it in case he has sleep apnea, and they can help him, which in turn will help me because it's not fair on me.

I went to bed early as usual to get to sleep before him. But it turns out he didn't come to bed, he stayed downstairs.

It was actually really peaceful and really nice not having the constant loud noise (muffled poorly by earplugs) and vibrations.

But now he's in a mood with me, I feel bad as if I've made him uncomfortable on the sofa and like I should be gushing with praise.

AIBU expecting him to put himself out for me to allow me a decent night's sleep?

Get a comfy sofa bed

My friends husband snores so sometimes she goes to sleep on her very wide sofa. Problem is he wakes up and follows her because he’s ‘lonely’ immediately falls asleep and starts snoring again.

This would give me the absolute rage!

My partners snoring is horrendous and since my first was born (7 soon) he’s slept on the sofa bar a few nights. I’ve always told him to come to bed but he wants me to have a good night sleep because I deal with the kids. Luckily our sofa is quite big and comfortable and our relationship is very good regardless of sleeping separately. I don’t think I could cope with having to wear ear plugs and lack of sleep tbh. We did have a spare room but now we have another child. Maybe get an airbed or sofa bed

Your DH really needs to see a Dr about his snoring as it's a massive health risk (not to mention super annoying). I tolerated my DH's snoring for years, finally got his to see a Dr and now his on a little CPAP machine which is super quiet and solves the problem. However, I've never really regained the ability to sleep properly, and I find even small sounds are really intrusive on my sleep. It is, however, much better than it used to be. I'm with an earlier poster - it's his problem so he should sleep on the sofa until he sorts it.

He doesn't get to not see a doctor, not go to bed earlier so you can go to sleep on the sofa and not sleep on the sofa himself. He has to compromise on one of those things.

OP - invest in some sleep silicone Loops. My husband is the same. The Loops help me have a good night sleep!

He sounds like a stroppy child. My husband would be really upset if he thought he was keeping me up all the time and I was unwell because of it. We'd find a solution together that suits both of us. Most obvious solution seems to be as others have already suggested: get a comfortable sofa bed that either you or he would be comfortable sleeping on.

I've snored since I was a baby. I went through a phase of waking up having panic attacks and then couldn't get to sleep as I felt like I was drowning. It happened several times a week about an hour after I went too sleep. That plus snoring was not enough for a sleep referral. I scored 0 on the sleep assessment as the snoring had been since childhood so the GP said there was nothing I could do. Half of the questions were various places I might have fallen asleep during the day - do you get sleepy on a bus during the day? Do you fall asleep at work during the day? Do you fall asleep whilst watching TV during the day? Sort of thing. Gp doesn't always offer any solution!

The waking turned out to be a medication side effect and thankfully went when I stopped the medication. Snoring is worse when I'm ill and lying flat so I always try to properly myself up and have olbas on my pillow.

Agree.
What a selfish man.
Honestly it should make you rethink things.
Also perhaps your son needs to sleep on the sofa.
When you feel a migraine coming on putting your feet into a basin of the hotest water you can bear can really help it.
Stop doing anything for that very selfish man.

Personally I’d say you sleep separately till he goes to gp and the last to bed gets the sofa!

I feel you pain OP. My husband snores like a warthog and doesn’t care how badly it affects me. I’ve told him that he might have sleep apnoea and there are all sorts of health consequences in later life if he doesn’t address it, but he still doesn’t care.

For the last two years I’ve gone to bed wearing noise cancelling headphones blasting white noise which helps a bit (I’ve had to train myself to sleep on my back wearing them!). Was awake before 5am this morning wondering how he manages to stay asleep while making such a horrendous noise.

I swear he thinks I’m exaggerating how bad it is.

My DH snored horribly. You could hear it opposite side of the house. Went to GP, sleep trial - sleep apnea! Got a CPAP (which is actually really quiet) and snoring is gone.

I'm happy I'm not being woken by his snoring. He's happy I'm not mad at him, but he's also happy he's no longer falling asleep on the sofa etc and actually feels rested because he's actually getting sleep himself rather than stopping breathing several times an hour!

He’s not snoring deliberately but quite often snoring is related to lifestyle issues- drinking, being overweight, smoking. I know it isn’t always before folk jump on me, and OP hasn’t said it is, but certainly he could be trying to do something about it. My OH is overweight but he only really snores when he’s been drinking so yeah on these occasion s it absolutely is his fault!

Im so sorry OP. I had a similar problem but moved into my own room. There was a lot of sulking from my DH about it but he isn’t the one with interrupted sleep. He is being selfish. Lack of sleep is horrific.

Buy a sofa bed, or a fold up bed. But a proper bed that goes up in the living room.

Then take it in terms sleeping in it, either alternative nights or week on/week off. You both need a proper bed that you can sleep in

Oh come on, that’s even worse !!! He is the one snoring , he won’t go to the doctor.
you are sleeping on the sofa . And now he complains if you want to go to sleep before he’s ready!!! Well, tough. In that case he can bloody sleep on the sofa (if he can’t even manage to go up to bed and entertain himself in bed on his phone).
so bloody selfish

You need to get a new sofa with a pull out bed that fits him and you can swap.

Had he tried nasal strips? Mouth taping? Saline his nose before bed? Anything?

I was you but now I'm on the other side. Menopause has made me a terrible snorer. We compromised by getting a proper sofa bed. During the week one of us takes the sofa bed. At weekend we bed share.
It's really embarrassing and I'm struggling to bring myself to ring the Dr. I do feel all defensive but trying to see dh point

Sounds like he's sulking. Let him sleep downstairs on a camp bed if need be. He needs to be uncomfortable (like you have been) and pull his finger out and see a doctor. Selfish prick. Don't accommodate him any more. Your health matters just as much as his does.

He needs to see a doctor and if putting him out is going to mean he does that then that’s good news. My husband snored like that, meaning that he eventually got fed up of me moaning / waking him so moved himself to the sofa. Like you I was concerned about sleep apnoea and eventually managed to convince him to see the GP. Sure enough he was diagnosed with sleep apnoea and now has a cpap machine. He feels much more rested and happier, he barely snores with it on at all and the machine makes a quiet consistent whooshing noise which is fine to sleep through (as a very light sleeper!)
so don’t feel guilty. He has been disturbing you for years so really it’s his turn to be disturbed. And he really does need to go to the doctor. It will make it better for everyone

The idea of taping my mouth shut makes me feel claustrophobic. 😱.

As pp have said, it's unlikely that there's some easy miracle cure for his snoring, but he should be willing to at least try some things, and he should compromise to find a solution that works for both of you. If he can't sleep on the sofa, you can't expect him to accept that solution, but he should also be willing to make it easier for you by going to bed earlier.

If he will set up the sofa for you to retreat to when you wake, that's a good start. I'd also be working to get your son out of the house asap, so there's an option for completely separate sleeping.

OP has a medical condition that needs specialist input and medication, which is impactful. Lack of sleep is a major trigger for migraine so solving the snoring issue could solve this.
It should be obvious to her DH that he needs to make some effort to help her sleep. If he doesn't want to, is the relationship viable?

You probably snore too! Most people who complain about their partners snoring actually snore worse!

My other half not only snores but does really loud grunts, like a pig. He won’t do anything about it either, eg, going to the Drs. I’m feeling utterly drained today because he did it again during last night. We have a spare room but he turned it into a mancave, he has his computer set up in there to work on photographs of wildlife he’s taken. We had a lovely sofa bed in there at one time, but we got rid of it so he could have his mancave. What annoys me is, he accuses me of doing the same. He’s a pillock.