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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ignoring someone's weight when they keep mentioning it

60 replies

weightyissue · 15/01/2025 11:02

This is a family member. Whenever we see them or have any contact they mention the fact they are fat. They are probably in the morbidly obese category but it's not something I would ever bring up. They are a somewhat distant relative but due to a family situation we are needing to be in regular contact for various reasons that I won't bore you with.

It's making me and my dc uncomfortable. We would hardly say to them, yes you are really fat because that would be rude and the dc have been brought up to not comment on weight/size. We can hardy deny it either. We just change the subject but it is awkward and is making us not want to see them.

Do we continue to ignore or should we say something? We are very non-confrontational and also ND (autism and ADHD) and struggle in social situations as it is.

What do we do?

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 15/01/2025 11:03

I would just laugh it off tbh. Oh well, something has to kill you, might as well be chocolate.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 15/01/2025 11:04

As above said - they're obviously uncomfortable having to socialise and are making a joke of a tough situation

Be nice about it and smile politely

MidnightBloom · 15/01/2025 11:11

It depends on what they have said about their weight. I wouldn't out of the blue say something about someone's weight but if they brought it up then maybe they want to chat about it or hope you will give them help or something or maybe they are just open and chatty, we don't know because you haven't said. I find it a bit extreme that it's making you feel uncomfortable and you don't want to see them.

lljkk · 15/01/2025 11:12

Maybe tell your kids that relative worries about it but it's not a problem that can be shared so basically the person is just sharing their feelings which is ok but doesn't need to be dwelled upon. Smile politely & steer conversation to topics that can have mutual benefits. It's a useful lifeskill anyway to show your kids.

RedLightsStopSigns · 15/01/2025 11:13

Can you give an example of how they bring it up? Does it require a response from you or your DC, or can you just ignore/laugh and move on?

Huckyfell · 15/01/2025 11:14

Balloonhearts · 15/01/2025 11:03

I would just laugh it off tbh. Oh well, something has to kill you, might as well be chocolate.

I'll use that one😂

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/01/2025 11:15

I think it depends on how they bring it up; are they inviting you to minimise the issue like "oh, you like fine!" or do they want to discuss it in a meaningful way and perhaps want support? How close are you to them?

IPM · 15/01/2025 11:16

I hear you OP, I have a colleague like this and yes it makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

I've learned to deal with it by just saying 'Oh right', when they mention their weight and then I continue with the conversation they've tried to shoehorn it into.

Just stay completely non committal.

As PPs have said, it's probably just their way of coping with how they feel others perceive them.

redbokoblin · 15/01/2025 11:17

When people do this my response tends to be laugh and change subject. They are the ones making it awkward, not you. It's a weird thing to constantly bring up, and entirely to do with them and their insecurities/ perception of how others are looking at them.

You don't need to get into a conversation about weight with a distant relative you don't even know that well.

fanaticalfairy · 15/01/2025 11:19

Just be blunt.

"Stop mentioning that you're fat please, we're not going to engage".

She probably just wants you to go "ohhhh nooooo you're not faaaat".

TangerineClementine · 15/01/2025 11:19

I have a family member who does this. I think maybe they feel that it's a taboo subject, and it would be better if everyone was more open about it and less awkward? (They've never said that to me - that's just the vibe I get.) I think it's a 'nod and sympathetic smile' situation.

Original poster
weightyissue · 15/01/2025 11:23

I'm trying to think of when it's been brought it up. It's quite random and will be shoehorned in. I don't think they are asking for help because we aren't very close and it would be weird to ask for that help in front of my children. He's quite direct so if he wanted help he'd ask although I can't see that he'd do that. Adding his sex because I think people will assume I'm talking about a woman. His gf is also obese and they both have health problems. She doesn't mention anything though, just him.
I think I'm just ignoring any mention in the hope he stops saying things.

OP posts:
SilenceInside · 15/01/2025 11:23

Can you give an example of what they say when they mention it and when they mention it?

I would think that they are aware they are very fat, and want to pre-empt any comments about it and make it clear that they know.

TorroFerney · 15/01/2025 11:26

weightyissue · 15/01/2025 11:23

I'm trying to think of when it's been brought it up. It's quite random and will be shoehorned in. I don't think they are asking for help because we aren't very close and it would be weird to ask for that help in front of my children. He's quite direct so if he wanted help he'd ask although I can't see that he'd do that. Adding his sex because I think people will assume I'm talking about a woman. His gf is also obese and they both have health problems. She doesn't mention anything though, just him.
I think I'm just ignoring any mention in the hope he stops saying things.

Id be saying what you have said here „I don’t know what you want me to say to that“. Are they fishing for compliments or thinking if they say it you won’t think it. As others have said it’s all on them and

Nn9011 · 15/01/2025 11:27

Sometimes people do this as a defence mechanism, like they are saying it before someone else has a chance too. Chances are they are probably insecure about their situation. I would just focus on the other parts of what they are saying. Like if they say oh I tried to do this but couldn't because of my weight, you could reply oh that's a shame, what did you do instead or that's a shame, I'm sure that was disappointing.

Rickrolypoly · 15/01/2025 11:27

What exactly is he saying? Does it require a response from you?

I think that I am fat- do you think I am fat?
or is it more like
I wont be able to do that because I am too fat?

2JFDIYOLO · 15/01/2025 11:30

Oh, I assumed it was a woman!

Regardless, I'm the sort to go into coaching mode.

How does that make you feel?
What do you think causes it?
What's driving you?
What do you want?
What do you need for your health and your relationship?
What have you done so far?
What else could you do?
What will you do next?

I would not be smiling, minimising, saying oh surely not, don't be silly.

And if that kind of pandering is what he wants from me, hopefully the questions would make him stop.

But if it was a helpful conversation? - everyone benefits.

Nothatgingerpirate · 15/01/2025 11:34

It must be and feel horrible in daily life.
Can they get help?

NewYearStillFat · 15/01/2025 11:38

Both my Mum and MIL do this. My Mum has to let me know everytime she’s eaten something she considers “bad” since the last time I visited. I’ve asked her to discuss it less in front of the DC because I don’t want them to grow up with her attitude to food.

ItGhoul · 15/01/2025 11:40

Unless he's saying 'Do you think I'm fat?' or actively asking for advice, you don't need to say anything. He's just mentioning it, not asking you to comment.

If, for example, I mention to a friend that I hate shopping for trousers because I'm short, I'm not inviting them to comment on my shortness. Just stating a fact in passing.

Greyish2025 · 15/01/2025 11:42

fanaticalfairy · 15/01/2025 11:19

Just be blunt.

"Stop mentioning that you're fat please, we're not going to engage".

She probably just wants you to go "ohhhh nooooo you're not faaaat".

That would be so rude and agressive!

ABigBarofChocolate · 15/01/2025 11:45

weightyissue · 15/01/2025 11:02

This is a family member. Whenever we see them or have any contact they mention the fact they are fat. They are probably in the morbidly obese category but it's not something I would ever bring up. They are a somewhat distant relative but due to a family situation we are needing to be in regular contact for various reasons that I won't bore you with.

It's making me and my dc uncomfortable. We would hardly say to them, yes you are really fat because that would be rude and the dc have been brought up to not comment on weight/size. We can hardy deny it either. We just change the subject but it is awkward and is making us not want to see them.

Do we continue to ignore or should we say something? We are very non-confrontational and also ND (autism and ADHD) and struggle in social situations as it is.

What do we do?

I am quite overweight and I do this. It's like a sort of defense mechanism I think. I mention that I'm fat or that I know I'm fat. It's because the people around me tend to point it out and so I just expect everyone to be judging me for it.

Having people give me weight loss tips isn't what I want to hear so I'd rather they just laughed it off and moved on.

PeppyGreenFinch · 15/01/2025 11:48

How close are you? When my sister tells me about her weight related health issues, I find myself saying things like, ‘yes, you need to lose weight because it is affecting your mobility and we have a history of diabetes in the family. Have you tried x, etc’ But we are quite direct with each other.

Whereas if my cousin or aunt asks me, I’m more circumspect and ask questions like ‘are you finding it difficult?’

The same for me, when my mum or sisters tell me I’m fat, I just rub my belly and say ‘I know’ really glumly.

arcticpandas · 15/01/2025 11:54

Nn9011 · 15/01/2025 11:27

Sometimes people do this as a defence mechanism, like they are saying it before someone else has a chance too. Chances are they are probably insecure about their situation. I would just focus on the other parts of what they are saying. Like if they say oh I tried to do this but couldn't because of my weight, you could reply oh that's a shame, what did you do instead or that's a shame, I'm sure that was disappointing.

This! Think about it OP, if you're self conscious about something and thinking that other people are thinking about it you just want to blurt it out to have it over and done with. I would just treat this as if he hadn't said anything. Like "I'm fat." You: "We were thinking about going to the cinema next week to see..." if he insists on saying it again I would ask him what he would like me to say to that. Does he need validation, does he want me to deny it or is he reaching out gor help?

NowYouSee · 15/01/2025 11:57

I think there can be a place for saying to people that you try not to discuss weight issues in front of the children, could they not. However without understanding the context and the way he is doing it it is hard to say if that is appropriate.

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