Page 3 | Ignoring someone's weight when they keep mentioning it

NotVeryFunny · 15/01/2025 15:06

Just to add when your children mention it makes them feel uncomfortable then you can discuss with them why he might he be doing it. An opportunity to learn empathy for others.

alpenguin · 15/01/2025 15:07

ImNotReallySpartacus · 15/01/2025 14:15

If the person keeps going on and on about being fat, it's perfectly ok to ask 'so what are you going to do about it?'

No it’s not. It’s not ok for anyone to say that unless it’s asked for. He’s not saying oh im
so fat and I don’t want to be. Maybe he doesn’t want to change, maybe he’s tried and failed many times.

Marinel · 15/01/2025 15:11

I agree it is a bit odd that he refers to it so often, for no apparent reason. But I don't see why it's a problem to ignore it. He isn't even asking you to engage, he's making a statement. If it's in a message, easy to skim over and ignore the comment. If it's in person, just a "yes" and change the subject. As you say, you won't be in contact with him for much longer.

FasilBalti · 15/01/2025 15:13

fanaticalfairy · 15/01/2025 11:19

Just be blunt.

"Stop mentioning that you're fat please, we're not going to engage".

She probably just wants you to go "ohhhh nooooo you're not faaaat".

I had a friend who did this multiple times, every time I saw her. She loved shopping. It was a nightmare. Every time she said she was 'too fat for this (insert clothing item) she'd be told,

no you're not too fat for that dress
no your legs aren't too fat for those boots
no, your arse isn't too big in that skirt
no, they do fit your thighs, leggings are meant to be tight'.... on and on.

I stopped seeing her because I was sick of pretending she wasn't over weight. It dominated everything.

Original poster

weightyissue · 15/01/2025 16:06

He knows me well enough to know I wouldn't judge him so I don't think he's doing it to get in there first.
Another example was saying he'd rather stay fat than walk anywhere. He's always drive even if a short distance. He wasn't being asked to walk anywhere so why say anything.
He's made my daughter uncomfortable and I'm not going to be teaching her empathy towards a man, or anybody who has made her feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure why he needs empathy.

OP posts:

IPM · 15/01/2025 16:18

He's made my daughter uncomfortable and I'm not going to be teaching her empathy towards a man, or anybody who has made her feel uncomfortable.

She's going to find life and relationships quite tough then.

Other people's problems can often make us feel uncomfortable but that doesn't automatically mean we shouldn't feel empathy, or at least try to.

This person clearly has a problem with his weight and as much as it's not yours or your DC's problem, a little empathy can go a long way.

Iloveyoubut · 15/01/2025 16:22

weightyissue · 15/01/2025 11:02

This is a family member. Whenever we see them or have any contact they mention the fact they are fat. They are probably in the morbidly obese category but it's not something I would ever bring up. They are a somewhat distant relative but due to a family situation we are needing to be in regular contact for various reasons that I won't bore you with.

It's making me and my dc uncomfortable. We would hardly say to them, yes you are really fat because that would be rude and the dc have been brought up to not comment on weight/size. We can hardy deny it either. We just change the subject but it is awkward and is making us not want to see them.

Do we continue to ignore or should we say something? We are very non-confrontational and also ND (autism and ADHD) and struggle in social situations as it is.

What do we do?

“We are very non-confrontational and also ND (autism and ADHD) and struggle in social situations as it is” …. Cut them the same slack that you need? Maybe they struggle too? Please don’t take this as being harsh because I mean it with kindness but we all have to, within reason, try and accommodate each other I life. You can’t really just say oh well we have this and that so the onus is now on them to xyz, they’re struggling as well. Life can’t always be about everyone accommodating what makes you struggle, it’s a two way street.

WeMustGetOffTheMountain · 15/01/2025 16:52

weightyissue · 15/01/2025 16:06

He knows me well enough to know I wouldn't judge him so I don't think he's doing it to get in there first.
Another example was saying he'd rather stay fat than walk anywhere. He's always drive even if a short distance. He wasn't being asked to walk anywhere so why say anything.
He's made my daughter uncomfortable and I'm not going to be teaching her empathy towards a man, or anybody who has made her feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure why he needs empathy.

I'm not really sure why it's confusing for you that he would bring up something which is so obviously a big (no pun intended) part of his life. For some people, being fat is their whole personality. And that is fine. You don't have to like this person, you just have to be polite. Explain to your daughter that he obviously has hang ups about his weight so just ignore the weight comments. I'm not really sure why you've posted on here as you clearly don't want a solution to the problem, you just want to rant about him as you've dismissed every suggested solution proposed to you.

And to say why say that when we weren't even talking about walking... with that attitude people would never start a conversation. I might moan that it's been too wet all week to go for a walk - no one has asked me to go for a walk in the rain, does that mean I shouldn't share that thought with anyone?

AlbertCamusflage · 15/01/2025 16:54

He's made my daughter uncomfortable and I'm not going to be teaching her empathy towards a man, or anybody who has made her feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure why he needs empathy.

Everyone needs empathy. Of course his comments are irritating, but if they make you or your daughter feel uncomfortable it is not because he has actually done anything wrong, so it doesn't undermine the case for empathy.

He clearly feels self-conscious about his weight, and (regardless of the fact that you and your daughter are not judgemental) it is his habit to forestall the possibility of judgement by getting in first with the self-criticism. Loads of people do this, if not about their weight then about whatever issue happens to make them feel badly about themselves.

If I was the person hearing him, I would simply find it rather boring. But loads of people are boring. The solution is just to politely nod and not feel obliged to ask follow-up questions unless you are really interested in the answers.

If you don't feel any need to engage with throwaway comments that aren't of interest to you, then there is nothing much to feel 'uncomfortable' about. If you do feel any need to engage with such comments , then it might ultimately be a you problem not a him problem.

Try to find ways to remind yourself that in a conversation you can choose what to get hold of and what to let go of. It isn't his job to anticipate your choice and censor himself. (It would be different if he was going on and on and demanding all the space in the conversation, but it doesn't seem like this is what is happening

Original poster

weightyissue · 15/01/2025 17:09

Thank you there's some good points and I am considering what's been said and which option would work best.

OP posts: