Ignoring someone's weight when they keep mentioning it

[weightyissue]

This is a family member. Whenever we see them or have any contact they mention the fact they are fat. They are probably in the morbidly obese category but it's not something I would ever bring up. They are a somewhat distant relative but due to a family situation we are needing to be in regular contact for various reasons that I won't bore you with.

It's making me and my dc uncomfortable. We would hardly say to them, yes you are really fat because that would be rude and the dc have been brought up to not comment on weight/size. We can hardy deny it either. We just change the subject but it is awkward and is making us not want to see them.

Do we continue to ignore or should we say something? We are very non-confrontational and also ND (autism and ADHD) and struggle in social situations as it is.

What do we do?

I can't imagine anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence speaking to someone like this. Silly advice.

It's probably on their mind constantly so they can't help but talk about it.
I'd gently suggest they talk to their GP if they're finding it hard to take steps to start losing weight.
I can understand why you find it uncomfortable, but it seems they're ok with bringing up their weight, so don't feel you're insulting them by leaning into the conversation.

To add to my post, I had a (now deceased) family member who was generally lovely and meant well but weight, food and looks obsessed. Half what she talked about was her latest diet details, gained 5 pounds after Christmas such a piggy, need to diet for holiday to wear bikini without shame, am not eating white carbs, 132 calories in that mini roll you know, wants to be a size 10 again felt so disgusting when buying size 14. On and on.

She passed when my kids were pretty small but as someone who has had food issues I hated hearing it and didn’t want my kids growing up hearing it.

Why do you feel the need to ignore it when he's the one bringing it up?

I'm quite overweight (am currently losing it, so have just escaped the obese category into the overweight one), and some times I'll mention it, either as part of a joke or because it's relevant to the conversation. For instance I've got quite short legs, but a large waist so it's a nightmare trying to find jeans that fit, a topic that came up in work the other day.

I'm not ashamed by it. I eat too much food so I'm fat, it's just a fact of life. If I was ashamed, or didn't want it included in conversation in the first place, then I wouldn't mention it in the first place.

Does it require a response? Do they just announce they're fat or do they say something like "damn, hiking is rough when you're fat"? If the latter then you can say 9
something about hiking.

Why do you feel the need to ignore it when he's the one bringing it up?

Because it may not be likely to be an appropriate conversation to have with her kids there.

There's a time and a place for a noncommittal, rather bored "uh-huh" type of neutral acknowledgment, and I'm inclined to think this is one of them.

Please don't say this! The chances are he is really struggling with thinking other people are thinking badly of him because of his weight so is bringing it into the conversation himself. There is being blunt, and there is being rude. This response is the latter.

I got really fat due to medication I have to take that is saving my life - the alternative is to die by a horrible condition. It’s embarrassing when you see people you haven’t seen in a while (even relatives) and so I do maybe mention it more than I ought to but in todays society I feel I need to justify this change. I’m guessing he’s embarrassed and is thinking everyone is internally judging him so he acknowledges it first. It’s really sad that fat people feel the need to do that but the shame we are inflicted with due to a society assuming we eat too many pies and don’t exercise enough makes us do odd things.

i don’t think he’s reaching for a no you’re not comment because he knows he is. Nothing angers me more than people who tell me I’m not fat - we have eyes and we know what we see.

I don’t know how you should respond - maybe with honesty. Explain you understand he’s very self conscious but that you still love him anyway and he doesn’t need to point out his body weight because it’s irrelevant to your relationship.

Why not say something like "if it makes you unhappy perhaps you should see your GP"

Or if they are reasonably comfortable financially suggest they look into injections. They are available privately to anyone with a BMI over 30 (or 27 if other criteria are met).

The fact they keep raising it suggests they want to talk about it

You can bet your bottom dollar it's way more uncomfortable for them than you. As a former morbidly obese person, now just plain old obese, it's a defence. You're weight can be the first thing you think of when you wake up and last thing when you go to bed at night. Stands to reason you're going to think it will be foremost in other people's minds so you get it in before they do. I'm not sure what your response should be but I would hope you can acknowledge it must be a big issue for them to constantly refer to it.

Why do you feel the need to ignore it when he's the one bringing it up?

I expect because

1. His weight is not the OP's problem.
2. It makes her feel awkward.
3. It's boring when people bang on about it.

If he'd brought it up once it would be awkward but not worthy of any mention. It's the fact he brings it up every time we see him and often during calls/messages.
My teenager has said she feels uncomfortable when he keeps mentioning it.
He has been obese since childhood and the whole time I've known him. I've always been pretty much the same size so no changes in either of us to be mentioning size. There's no need to be mentioning weight in our conversations at all. It's never been relevant.

@weightyissue Could you give some examples of how it gets brought up? Is it a question or a statement?

If they keep mentioning it, I would probably engage with the conversation (otherwise, why keep mentioning it?)

I would point out that we're in January and that is a good time to make changes as all the gyms and slimming clubs and hello fresh type meal box deliveries all have deals on.

It's a statement never a question. Things like: I'm this fat because I ate too much food. He's honest at least. Another example is he was saying he doesn't have a sweet tooth but is still really fat. Sort of like commenting on the weather. Just a statement.
He lives with family who are all obese and I imagine it's hard to change habits when those around him are in a similar boat with their health, habits and weight . Financially he could afford weight loss injections but it's not my place to suggest he loses weight because that feels like passing judgement.

I'd just not respond to anything he says about weight. It doesn't sound like he's inviting a discussion or asking a question.

Do you know why it makes your DD uncomfortable? Surely you just say to her that he's aware he's very overweight and sometimes people feel they need to comment on it, to pre-empt any negative judgement or because it's on their mind a lot.

OK so it sounds like maybe that's his default "chit chat" topic. We all have a topi we revert to to make small talk, his just happens to be something weight related. If it is really bothering you and your daughter then perhaps gently take him to one side and say something along the lines of "I'm not sure if you're aware, but you make a lot of references to your weight. I'm trying not to discuss weight and body image in front of my daughter, please could we talk about something else next time?" The chances are he doesn't even realise he is doing it.

I don't think he is doing anything wrong here. It doesn't sound like he is trying to goad you into saying that he isn't fat or like he is complaining about being fat in a way that is potentially offensive/triggering to others (like what NowYouSee describes above). He's just mentioning that he is fat. As others have said it is probably on his mind because he is self-conscious or just generally finds it a struggle. As others have said, probably best to remain noncommittal unless you are certain that he wants some kind of comment or advice. But I don't think he has to politely refrain from mentioning it in order to avoid making others uncomfortable.

I'm not suggesting he's doing anything wrong. It's just a regular thing and makes us uncomfortable because he is very obviously fat and is irrelevant to the conversations. Once the family issue is sorted we probably won't have much contact but until then it's tricky. If it's brought up in messages I might ask why he keeps saying it. I'm so crap at anything face to face. I envy people who can just say what they need to say without causing offence or it being awkward.

I don't understand why it makes you both so uncomfortable? People say all kinds of things that are irrelevant to the conversation, just wondering why this particular kind of comment is difficult for you.

If the person keeps going on and on about being fat, it's perfectly ok to ask 'so what are you going to do about it?'

Because weight is a very personal thing I expect?

It's very often an uncomfortable topic for many people to discuss and the OP doesn't want to discuss someone else's weight that has nothing to do with her.

She doesn't have to discuss it, she can simply ignore the statements and carry on with the actual topic of the conversation. He isn't asking questions or trying to start a conversation about, according to the examples the OP has given.

Weight might be personal, but for obese people it is also something that is publicly noticeable and not possible to hide, unlike many other issues that people have.

Tbh if it’s been an increasingly issue I would respond with ‘ you’ve mentioned this a few times now. Have you thought of making an appointment to discuss it with your GP? I’m afraid me and the kids aren’t really qualified to offer any advice, so perhaps you should start there?’ Then change the subject…

Okay, yeah, I’ve had colleagues that have made similar comments about themselves and it can be awkward. I always used to ignore as best I could, or change the subject. It’s obviously something he feels self-conscious about.

Umm yes don't do this. What a horrible thing to say.

This person probably feels very insecure about their body image and is anxious about what other people may be thinking. One thing people who struggle like this do is try to get ahead of any criticism you may be thinking about them, by putting it out there first. It's defence mechanism to help them feel less anxious and probably enables them to socialise.

When they make these comments just try to think about what may be underlying them and empathise. You struggle in social situations so you must have some experience of feeling similar anxieties to draw from.