To think all my problems could be solved if I could find a job in Portugal and move there (I don't have an EU passport but maybe if I learned a mega niche skill first)

[Everythingisnumbersnow]

Alllll my problems it's so nice

Unless your only problem is shit weather, I don't think it will solve as much as you think. I have a property in a warm European country and spend extended time there. Same shit, different setting believe me. In fact, there are a lot of local quirks I don't love like dealing with i.e. the tax office which only very recently transitioned to online system. Before, everything had to be done on paper and in person and it drives me potty. My fitness levels raise significantly when I am over there as it is super easy just to leave the house and go for a long walk on the beach. Other than that, I still work at my desk the same number of hours and then have to cook dinner, do my laundry and go to bed. Except now I need to find extra time for additional showers as I am sweating buckets in the middle of Spring. How do you think life might look differently in Portugal?
Oh yeah, the wine is super cheap... which probably doesn't help in the long run. And I can spend my lunch break by the pool which, again, is lovely but probably doesn't do my skin any favours.
Grass is greener where it's watered and all that.

Shit weather, aggro street vibes, not enough kinds of fish to eat.

To be fair it's probably less good when you're not living in a nice hotel.