It’s going to be a lengthy post. I have been holding all of this in for three years, and I need to get it off my chest and get an outsider’s perspective, because DH brushes it off like it’s not a big deal.
DH (M38) and I (F38) have been together for six years, and we have our LO. We both work full-time, and my parents live abroad, so my in-laws are the only family we have nearby. While I’ve tried to be patient, my MIL's constant interference in our lives and DH’s excuses for her poor behaviour have become unbearable. MIL must know everything that’s going on in our lives, and she has to have a say in it.
For example, a day before our wedding, MIL told DH, "Don’t plan anything yet she isn’t looking 100%." After she left, I asked DH about it, and he said, “My mother was insinuating not to plan for children (on our wedding night) because you aren’t looking 100% healthy!” MIL then spent years telling us not to have kids because "they’ll ruin your life" and "just get cats."
When DH and I were looking to buy a house together, she assumed it was my decision not to buy near her and messaged me asking if there was a reason. The truth is, DH and I wanted to be closer to work, daycare, and school for future kids. If we moved near MIL, it would have meant a two-hour commute each way during peak hours.
When we finally bought our house, we were so excited and took our in-laws to see the house. MIL, being pessimistic as always, ruined the occasion. As soon as we arrived, she started making negative comments about the house and the location (traffic noise, train noise, ambulance sirens). She didn’t even congratulate us or have anything nice to say about our new home. Instead, she kept redirecting the conversation to herself, talking about her friend who had just left the hospital, as if our buying a house wasn’t a big deal.
When we announced our pregnancy, she ruined our happy occasion once again by saying, “Oh, well, if you had bought a house near my house, I would have helped you raise this kid.” Since that day, she spent the next two years telling us, “One kid is enough, don’t have more.”
When I was around six months pregnant with my LO; MIL’s niece (let’s call her "Kez," who was close to DH growing up) was expecting her third child through IVF. MIL came to visit us and was very judgmental about Kez having three kids. She went on about how Kez had frozen 5 eggs and used 3; MIL thought Kez should just donate her remaining two eggs. Apparently, Kez had expressed to MIL or to Kez’s mom (I can’t remember what MIL was going on about) that she couldn’t imagine having her biological kids out there in the world without knowing them. Then MIL turned to DH and casually said, “Maybe you should borrow an egg from Kez!” After she left, I told DH that I found it incredibly rude and weird to joke about cousins having kids together (even without the actual deed). What did she think was wrong with my own eggs? DH just brushed it off, saying, “She just says strange things sometimes.” MIL speaks so condescendingly, as though she’s smarter than everyone else and that everyone else is stupid. It wasn’t a joke. It felt deeply intrusive and disrespectful.
The day before I was due for delivery, FIL and DH were working on something in our yard that would take the whole day. MIL invited herself and spent nearly eight hours with us (mostly with me). I made breakfast and organized lunch for all. She brought rum balls (with real rum in them while I was pregnant) and TWO plum fruits. She gave me the plums and said, “I got you these, so you don’t feel left out!”
She said some hurtful things to me that day. She insisted we should stop at just one child. She told me that if we planned to have a second, it would be a "bad" child, just like her second child, and that it would ruin our lives. I told her I’m the second child in my family (out of three siblings), and my mother always said I was the easiest baby, the best-behaved child, and the most thoughtful adult compared to my siblings. To which MIL responded, “Why didn’t she stop at two then? Why did she have three kids?” I was so shocked, but I said, “I’m a laid-back person, so is DH; I’m sure our kids will be the same.” She replied, “So many things went wrong on your wedding day, but you weren’t a bridezilla, so I’m hoping you are laid-back.” A backhanded compliment about our wedding, which happened two years ago! It’s so typical of her pessimistic personality, though. She had to find a way to let "her opinions" be known. I hope she felt better about herself after that. Later, she commented, “When you have kids so late, it will be hard to look after grandkids.” She also mentioned that she had shared part of her inheritance with my BIL and DH. Except, my DH had to pay her back that money over the next 4-5 years in instalments. It felt like a manipulation tactic.
When they visited our newborn in the hospital, FIL mentioned that he’d like to be called “Grumps.” But MIL, being as self-serving as always, kept referring to FIL as “Grand pops” or “Pops,” despite his preference. Her excuse was, “It’s so cute, I like it, that’s what my kids called my dad, it makes me happy, blah blah blah.” So, she decides what she wants to be called, and she decides what FIL should be called as well? As if he doesn’t have the right to express his own wishes. It’s unbelievable. I honestly have never come across such a controlling, selfish person. She has no regard for anyone else’s choices, especially when it comes to FIL, BIL, or DH. I can’t imagine how her behaviour has affected their mental health over the years. She seems to see herself as some kind of martyr for doing the bare minimum of her responsibilities. That’s probably why she thinks “kids ruin your life” — because she could’ve spent every second of her life and every penny on herself if she had the choice. Now she acts like she owns her children, given all the “sacrifices” she claims to have made. She would probably say, "You’ll know once your children grow up." Except we don’t, because I was taught that children don’t owe their parents anything; parents don’t own their adult children.
MIL made my postpartum all about her. DH kept getting pressured for constant updates and photos, as if he owed her that. She said she sent hundreds of photos to her parents when he was little, so DH must do the same for her. Just because she liked doing that doesn’t mean DH has to, right? But of course, he doesn't get a choice.
Throughout my postpartum, her behaviour continued to be demanding, disrespectful, and focused on making everything about what she wants instead of respecting our space and needs. She even cried at our house to DH, saying she was not feeling “loved.” She didn’t care how her selfishness was impacting us. DH and I had several arguments because of her nastiness during my PPD stage. I will never forget it.
MIL asked if she could bring her friend to see the newborn, saying they’d just look at him from outside (as if he’s a zoo animal?). Then she told us to quickly stop by her brother’s house, the newborn could stay in his car seat while they just see him. We didn’t because our plans changed that day.
We eventually organized a gathering at the park with her brother’s family. When we arrived, the baby was still in the pram. MIL walked over to us and sarcastically said, “Are we allowed to pick him up?” She could have just asked, “Can I hold him?”
On another occasion, after I had just finished feeding the baby and passed him to DH for burping, DH immediately passed the baby to MIL. She was passive-aggressive about it, saying, “Oh, I’m allowed to hold him now, am I?”
Because she expects DH to pass the baby to her as soon as she walks in the door, she doesn’t want to step on anyone’s toes by asking for a cuddle. Yet, she has no problem giving unsolicited advice about our wedding night and kids.
When I asked her to wash her hands before touching the newborn after she played with our dog (FYI, she gets cold sores too), she just ignored me. The next time she visited, DH very sheepishly asked her, “Can you wash your hands, please?” She snapped back, “Do you want me to shower as well?” She was furious, and I could see why DH is so hesitant to stand up to MIL because she snaps with passive-aggressive remarks and then brings them up later as subtle digs.
MIL’s also a bit of a hoarder. She once collected some free, small-size replica Legos from Woolworths (a grocery store), which were labelled as “suitable for children over 6 years of age.” Our LO was a newborn then. She asked us if we wanted the Legos for him. I told her he was too little, and we didn’t have room to hang onto these toys for the next 6 years. We had just decluttered our house and garage during my nesting period and donated a lot of things to make room. She said, “Okay.”
Guess who showed up with a bag full of tiny Legos the next week? She just gave them to DH saying, “You still have the milk crate in your garage, don’t you? Keep these toys in that crate. They don’t take up much space.” She was becoming increasingly audacious with her disrespect, completely disregarding my decisions in our own home, all because she thinks it’s her son’s house. But here’s the thing—it’s his and his wife’s house. Unless she continues to play us against each other and make him a single dad, it’s not his house alone. If one of us says no, it’s a no. You don’t play us against each other.
After that day, she stopped asking if we wanted any of her things and started bringing more hand-me-downs to our house instead. To make her point, on her next few visits, she showed up with a few bags filled with old flashcard books, used toys some with small particles choking hazard for young children’, and books. She didn’t ask if we wanted any of it, nor did she explain what was in the bags. She just dumped them at our house and told DH, “I have some things for you.”
Her possible excuse: “I was just trying to help.” Especially after your wife said she doesn’t want more clutter because you don’t have much space in your house.
MIL invited herself to regular visits to see the baby by saying, “On my next fortnightly visit…” She didn’t ask, she just told us. I get that it’s our first baby, but I would’ve preferred if she asked us first!
Not once did she offer to help or bring any meals during these visits. She didn’t hesitate to give unsolicited advice, but when it came to offering help, she was too concerned about not "stepping on toes."
On DH’s birthday (LO was a five-week-old baby), obviously, MIL invited herself. So, DH replied to her saying it’s going to be an afternoon tea and requested if she could shorten the visit because we were exhausted as new parents. She ignored the text and stayed longer.
I baked a cake and arranged some snacks for afternoon tea. Then she complained, “This is the first time we didn’t have a meal on your birthday. Was there a reason we couldn’t stay for dinner?” We have a five-week-old baby, and spending five to six hours on DH’s actual birthday wasn’t good enough for her.
I’ve noticed a few times when I was joking about our future plans or LO’s future, MIL would glare at DH with a straight face, as if she disapproved of what I said or was planning to talk to him about it later. On more than one occasion, it felt like MIL sees herself as part of a team with DH, and I’m the outsider in this marriage.
During my postpartum period, I realized that my MIL has always been self-serving and self-centred. It feels like we’re constantly under her scrutiny. She wants to know everything, and if we don’t do things her way, she’ll be smug about it and say, “I told you so.” If DH doesn’t do as she pleases, she puts us down with snarky remarks. She’s so preoccupied with herself that she doesn’t care about the additional pressure she adds to DH’s life. She keeps asking him the same thing over and over until he just gives in. Even if DH says no once or ignores her, she’ll keep asking repeatedly, and eventually, he feels bad and gives in. She’s so cunning and self-centred.
I eventually went to therapy because I thought if I didn’t, I might end up ruining our marriage. The therapist (a grandma and a MIL herself) was shocked at how often my MIL contacted us—multiple times a day (Every-Single-Day). We get messages from MIL about “updates on her day,” “her house dramas with BIL & neighbour’s,” “updates about her cats,” or random things she saw on Facebook. She constantly pressures DH to respond to her messages. If it were something truly important, he would have replied on his own. There’s no need for her to stress him to respond to every single message. God forbid her (37-year-old) son, a grown man with a newborn, a PPD wife, and a full-time job, should have any space. To MIL, he shouldn't change—he should still be responding to her daily banter like he's 17 and living with her.
The therapist said, “Well, if your DH thinks that’s normal, then that’s normal to him.” But she was sucking all the oxygen out of the room and pulling DH into her house dramas when he was already dealing with his own struggles. The therapist suggested going NC for a couple of months to clear my mind, and before I’m ready to move out of NC, we’ll work on setting boundaries.
I initially started with LC after LO turned one, as my MIL had become increasingly overbearing and pushy, constantly pressuring my DH about how much contact she expects or what she did for her parents. I was struggling to keep peace in our house and keep DH happy, while MIL was acting like a victim and taking advantage of us not pushing back.
I found LC peaceful and felt like I got back the control over my time and decisions again. So, LC turned into NC. DH takes LO to visit our in-laws once a month, but it's sad that FIL, who is a wonderful, thoughtful, and kind man, doesn't get to see LO more often because of MIL. I miss my FIL’s company and his humour. He made us feel loved, heard, and seen.
I suggested to DH that we catch up with just FIL, but he doesn’t want to, thinking it would be weird and that it will make MIL sad.
My MIL’s constant meddling, even if she believes she’s just talking to her son, has made me question my place in my own marriage. She feels entitled to interfere in her 38 years old son’s life, offering unsolicited advice about his role as a spouse and parent. She doesn’t seem to understand that this is my house too, and my marriage too. As husband and wife, we make the decisions in our house—no one else gets to have a say, even if she downplays it as "I was just saying."
I wasn’t living under a rock before I met my DH. I had a full-time job in an office (which I still have), my own car, and I bought my own unit, living on my own. I’ve created this life for me, so I live the way I want to. Our little family isn’t my MIL’s chance to "fix her mistakes."
DH has a sibling who is 35, unemployed and still lives with their parents. DH feels obligated to make MIL happy because his brother already causes stress for their parents.
Given her passive-aggressive behaviour, sarcastic comments, and backhanded remarks, I really don’t want MIL around my LO at all. She’s not setting a positive example. I don’t want her teaching our child that they should just do what others say to avoid being mocked "in a joking way." In short, be a pushover and a people-pleaser.
Most of our marital arguments started only because of MIL’s meddling. The ripple effect of her interference still causes a lot of tension between us. DH isn’t always bothered by her passive-aggressive or snarky remarks because he grew up in that environment, conditioned to dismiss them with excuses like, “She’s just joking,” “She doesn’t mean it that way,” or “She’s trying to be helpful,” etc. DH and I continue to have disagreements on this topic because I feel like DH adjusts our lives to appease MIL. He brushes it off as it’s not a big deal.
It’s clear that her inability to respect boundaries is a major source of stress in our marriage, yet DH feels it’s his responsibility to fulfil MIL’s emotional needs, even if it comes at the expense of our marriage.