Meddling and overbearing MIL

[uDanceHead246]

Need advise please- its a lengthy post

I don’t think PP was saying you should forgive and forget at all. Be NC,LC, whatever works - but make it work for you! Stop looking out for the next thing and don’t let the bloody woman live in your head!

I had a MIL like this. But I dealt with it by largely either ignoring her comments or laughing at her. Because to me , her opinion,thoughts, desires do not matter . They are unworthy of my head space. It is only in her head that she thinks she has power and influence . I am a bit more feisty than you perhaps as I told my MIL after an afternoon of self importance and unasked for opinions that it was all irrelevant to me as I'm going to do things my way . Then added a shrug and a Sorry .

You are making a mountains out of molehills. If you don't like things she says, just tell her. Go see your FIL and ignore her - youvare cutting you own nose off to spite your face.

And let your husband sort himself out. If he wants to do things his way, let him.

You don't have to forgive and forget but you are making yourself unhappy dwelling so much on this. You're NC with your MiL but spend lots of time going over all these slights from the past. You are still giving her headspace.

What’s NC and LC please?

I can never understand how people get so het up about this kind of behaviour.

So she’s a bit me me me, she makes comments you don’t like then you disagree, but tbh the majority of them just need an eye roll and you cringe about them when you remember her later on.

Nothing here is particularly heinous or NC-worthy, irritating yes, but the rest?

And not wanting your child to be around such a person? Don’t be so dramatic. It’s this idea that children should never experience someone who is different to them, who is perhaps eccentric or irritating or annoying, that has led to a generation of children and young adults with 0 resilience, and 0 ability to deal with conflict of any sort, instead they grow up with equal anxieties and inability to function as adults.

Just grin and bear it, walk away and don’t give her any headspace.

My mum used to say things like “ah, so can we pick him up then?” When it came to my baby, and looking back I was immensely over possessive, but that’s something you don’t realise until the kids start to grow up and you get past that newborn haze.

But comments about other people … just meh really. Just let her get on with it. It’s comments is all.

I would think joint counselling for you and DH. Someone not related can help you (and mainly DH) see ways of coping with this and also help you see it from each others’ perspective.
What happened in DM’s life to make her this way -I’d susppect a very unhappy childhood.

I would just challenge anything your MIL says that you don't like. When you asked her to wash her hands and she said do you want me to have a shower too??? I would have said 'now that you mention it, yes, that would be a good idea and go get her a towel'. Or I would have stuck to my guns and refused to hand over baby until she washed her hands. I'd have said 'I'm a germophobic, no hand wash, no baby'.

She overbearing, manipulative, meddling, negative and self centred. Just remember, you hold the Trump card, you are baby's mother not her. If you are seen to be the bad guy, then so be it. I couldn't care less. I'm the mother, you've had your turn. At the time when you had the conversation about IVF and eggs, you could have said in a joking way, 'why don't you have Kez's eggs and have another baby? But given they're cousins, the baby might have health issues, so what will you do about that'.

Just turn it back round onto her with questions. My MIL likes to think she's a fountain of knowledge of everything and gives out unsolicited advice and when she does I always knock her back and put her back in her box. Sometimes the advice is well received and sometimes not. You need to let her know 'my house, my rules' and if you don't like it, tough. Have as many children as you like. What's it got to do with MIL? Are you asking her for financial assistance or support? No, so just shut her down.

Since she has no problems being rude to you, I don't think you should hold back anymore. Just make sure DH is on your side.

Your dh should get some therapy. You need to stop overthinking and decide how much you want your mil in your like - once a year, once amonth, not at all. Make your decision and stick to it and let this go. You can rationalise crazy.

Sge doesn't like her MIL.

That's exactly what I was about to say. Have you been keeping a diary of her slights or something? Many of the incidents that you've told are incredibly minor. So she made rum balls, but brought you some plums so you didn't miss out? I'm struggling with why you found this offensive to the point that you've stored it away.

Yes, she's probably not an easy person, but you seen to be seeing every interaction with her through a particular lens, and yes, it's weird to have so many minor things stored in your head.

Ok she could be MIL. I've gone over and over it. Google covert narcissist- that's what my MIL is. The story about buying your house was so similar to our experience. Picked it apart and pointed out flaws. I think she was upset that she wasn't a part of the buying decision, we just took her to see the house we had chosen so therefore it was the wrong decision. When I've been pregnant too she's tried to redirect attention to herself.

We're pretty low contact now. She is great with the kids and helps with childcare when needed but that's it. I told her I'm no longer spending time with her socially as she just ruins it and is unkind. We're just civil now.

Last paragraph is key: have you (the OP) told her straight? Your Dh appears to be in the FOG and pretty spineless. He’s let his mum upset his wife and goes ‘Oh, that’s just how she is’. Bit useless. He needs to stand up to her and so do you.

You need to get out and about more.

Forget what this woman says as soon as she’s said it.

And use paragraphs.

Your husband will always love his mother, try not to take in what the woman says too much, for your own sanity and happiness.

no, you should establish firm boundaries and find peace in your home and family. Once you are there you can consider if you are willing to let her in more, or not.

No you shouldn't. Your MIL is objectively awful and you should remain NC or at the very least LC. Her behaviour isn't normal and is affecting your relationship with your DH. Does he accept that his mum is over-involved and controlling or does he think that it's completely normal?

If you told your DH that you were considering leaving the marriage due to his mum's behaviour and his response to it, what would he say/do? Would he consider some joint therapy sessions?

Yes, I think there are maybe reasons you are taking what this daft woman is saying so seriously. (Other than DH in fog)

Did you lack support and encouragement growing up, was your DM fussed about Keeping up appearances -so that you are being upset by the nonsense spouted by MIL?
Working out what in everyone’s background influences this can make you more understanding of difficult people.

Your DH is not going to disown his mother.
Don't make him choose.

Learn to fogive and forget - after every day start afresh.
Find ways for you to exclude MIL from your headspace.
Wear headphones more.
Sort your own life out more and don't feel obligated to share with MIL. If that means you have to have a strange system of leaving your husband secret written notes about where you are at times, so be it. Employ ways to protect your privacy that keeps your sanity, without being rude.
Your MIL has problems, be kind.

I’m not sure what the problem is? You are NC with MIL. Just keep it like that.

If you genuinely think she’s toxic, your child shouldn’t be anywhere near her, but she sounds overbearing rather than vicious.

You have stopped seeing her but you still allow her head space. Just drop the rope and move on.

You are still holding onto your resentment because you are questioning whether to let her back into your life, she won’t change but you can.
When Mil rings or messages your DH with requests etc tell him you’re not interested nor want to know what she has said, it’s his mum so let him have the stress of her. At the moment your reaction when you find out what was said doubles your H’s stress levels.

You feel if you do speak up and put her in her place it will cause more drama and will come between you and you H as she may very likely call on your H to chose who is in the right. Keep Lc or Nc with her because her forceful passive aggressive personality is affecting your MH, she can’t get to you then especially if you tell H you don’t want to hear any news about her. Block her number and on social media.

You enjoy your family without anyone trying to spoil it or make it about themselves. Get her out of your head by everything I outlined above, stop feeling guilty she triggered you in the past and concentrate on the future as she is not part of it.

Have compassion for your H, she is his mum and he has grown up in that environment and copied his dad’s coping strategy which is to allow her to bulldoze him and to make lame excuses for her behaviour. He knows deep down that he would lose his dad and brother if he put his foot down with her because she would make sure they sided with her. She has sucked the life out of your Bil so he doesn’t become independent and leave the nest, that’s her biggest fear her adult children abandoning her so to her your H has absconded and made a life for himself with you and your child in her eyes. Your H has already fought for independence from her in the past to be with you so lose the fear and be happy with the family you and H have created.

I had an interfering MIL too. It drove me mad at times. But I have to say that quite a lot of the incidents you mention, and which you have obviously been brooding about for years, seem very petty to me and not at all worth getting worked up about.

If she is still texting your DH several times a day that is completely unreasonable - but it is his problem. He needs to ask her to stop (or just ignore the texts and just respond once, at the end of the day.) He needs to back you up - "Thanks for the thought, Mum, but please take these toys back and don’t bring any more. We know you mean well, but as DanceHead told you we don’t have space to store this type of thing for years. Why don’t you keep them at your house." And he needs to keep it up - if he says no once but gives in if she nags enough, it’s like teaching a child that you will buy them sweets if they make enough fuss.

But you also need to speak up, politely, if she does things you don’t like, IF you think they are important enough to make a fuss about. For instance, you say that when you told her about your pregnancy she 'ruined our happy occasion once again by saying, “Oh, well, if you had bought a house near my house, I would have helped you raise this kid." ' Yet I really don’t see how that innocuous remark could possibly have "ruined your happy occasion". You were being over-sensitive and seeing insults when there were none. But regarding the name for your FIL, it’s up to you, your DH and your FIL so why don’t you just teach your DC the name FIL wants and refer to him as that? If she says anything different, I would just say "This is what FIL said he wanted to be called, and it’s up to him, isn’t it, so we'll use that."

I would also not hold back from repeatedly saying to her something like "Did your MIL use to tell you how to xxxx?" or "Would you have liked it if your MIL had ignored what you asked her to do with your baby?" (or whatever it is she's done).

Keep LC if that’s what you want and it’s not causing problems with your DH. But I disagree with the MN trend for going NC with difficult people (and the current trend for labelling people as "narcissists" at the drop of a hat.) Coping with others is part of life. You are giving her too much headspace.

I didn't read the whole thing because it's way too long, but from what I did read I'd suggest LC or NC, and speak up and challenge her when she does make comments. For example, when she decided on FIL be called Pops, you should have just referred to him as a grumps, as he wanted.

She sounds a little economical with the truth too. If DH is 38, then the phones we had when he was born/little were very basic. The world's first camera phone capable of sending pictures wasn't released until late 2000, and digital cameras were only just being invented in the early '90's. I very much doubt she was sending 'hundreds of photos' to her own in-laws.

Yes she sounds overbearing but you would have liked her to help more when baby was newborn. She can’t win but MILs mostly can’t on MN apparently. You obviously dislike her. Your DH is still her son, whether you like it or not. It was such a long post I can’t recall if your own parents are around?

She sounds like my mil, I leave dh to do what he wants and I’m LC. I won’t stop dc having a relationship with her but I don’t leave them alone with her, and I don’t actively encourage it like I would do if I liked her, I leave dh to arrange things.

My advice is to just stop engaging. If she tells you not to have more children, you say mil we will decide. If she continues to comment you tell her that this isn’t a group decision and you won’t be discussing it any more. I think you’re involving her too much and giving her too much power. By discussing and justifying yourselves as well as dwelling on what she’s said as though it has any bearing on your life, you are inadvertently cementing her position as someone with authority and decision making power in your life.

@uDanceHead246

I read the entire thing, and to be honest you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I would go as far as to say that the reason that you and your MIL clash is because the two of you are remarkably similar! You both have quite strong opinions on how to do things.

Perhaps the similarities between you and your MIL were one of the reasons your DH was attracted to you?

You just need to accept that you and MIL clash, and stop getting offended and would up by it. Just ignore her. Put boundaries in place, see them once a month, and just reply politely, even if she pisses you off.