DH ignoring me when I speak

[ThatFunRubyHelper]

I notice that DH does this every so often and it’s so annoying.

Tonight we were on the sofa. He was on his phone texting. We are planning on moving house and I asked him about a house we are going to view, and what he thinks of it. He ignored me, completely focused on his texting. I asked again and he keeps ignoring me texting on his phone.

I have left the room without saying anything and I can hear him talking and laughing with a friend.

It’s so annoying, how can I get him to stop?

I don't know many men that can do two things at the same time so texting and listening is way too large a request for you to make to be honest

Perhaps try talking to him when you can see he's not doing something else? Or does he often ignore you when you try to speak to him?

If he is already busy texting someone and you just start speaking to him I’m not surprised. Maybe just wait until he is done?

I have to say his name, wait for him then say what I want.

Or make a point "this needs your attention are you listening?"

In a neutral tone, not having a go, just setting an expectation that I'd like to have a conversation then allow him time to finish what he's doing.

Christ I couldn't live like that, waiting your turn to speak to your partner infantalises you.
I would actually leave someone who treated me like that.
Life at home should be easy, companionable, comfortable, your 'docking station', not like being dealt with by a strict headteacher when you've done something wrong.

He sounds like an utter pig.

My DH does this, he really doesn't hear me when he's focused on his phone. I looked it up, it's called hyper focusing. When you're concentrating on something and somehow block everything out around you. Can be an ADHD trait but DH reckons a lot of men do it. I could dance naked round the room, bring an elephant in and he wouldn't be aware of it. It's not something he seems to be able to help doing so I've just adapted to it.

That said, he genuinely doesn't hear me and is unaware of me even being in the room, definitely not ignoring me! Not making excuses for your partner OP but something to consider

Swift volley to the balls.

He will soon listen.

Rude twat.

(This is tongue in cheek before anyone dives on and tells me I'm advocating violence)

I’m kind of split on this, on one hand ignoring each other is rude, on the other hand everyone should be able to be engrossed in something, however banal or unimportant, without another person demanding that their priority at the time should come first and the other should immediately stop what they’re doing.
i guess it depends on how often it happens and whether they respect your right to not be interrupted when you’re ‘busy’.
i agree with the person who said that life should be easy, but that also means being able to be lost in our own heads at time

How often does he do this?

If it’s every once in a while, that’s one thing but if it’s daily then it’s an issue.

I can become utterly absorbed by a book or something and not register what someone is saying to me, but it only happens once in a while so it’s not a big deal for DH and others.

But I know if I did it a lot it would be an issue.

I wouldn't talk to DH if he's texting - he genuinely can't concentrate on texting and have a conversation with me at the same time! If you want to speak to him about something important, pick a time when you can chat without interruption - over dinner etc.

Impossible to comment without knowing how often this happens. I’m the wife in my relationship and I cannot do two things at once — if I’m messaging a friend and conversing back and forth I can’t also verbally converse with someone in front of me. I don’t register it. I would then feel the need to stop what I’m in the middle of doing to answer my DH who has decided to strike up a chat with me. It’s not from any cruel place necessarily?

Wow. So many of your trained by your husband's to wait your turn before daring to address him. Ensure he's ready and willing to acknowledge you before you pipe up ladies!

Shame.

This would be the beginning of the end in my relationship. If you can't even afford me an acknowledgement then fuck right off.

@LazyArsedMagician Absolutely this...

He is being very rude.
The people around you should take precedence unless you have excused yourself or stated that you will be busy for ten minutes, sorry.

Have a texting place in your home. A place where you can remove yourselves from the others in the house.
The old fashioned telephone on the wall meant that others were alerted that you were busy, and you had to get up and move. And the people phoning in knew that the whole house would be hearing a RING. People have lost all sense of not wishing to interupt others.
Create a system where you are actively excusing yourself, asking others to wait and being aware that you need to check into your real life and family fairly quickly or you are being rude.

I can't text and talk either, but I always acknowledge someone talking to me and say "hang on a sec. I'll just send this and I'm all yours". Seems to work. I'm female.

Came on to say this. In his position, I'd say "lemme just finish this text to Dave about the rugby" and then be with you. That way, Dave knows what the rugby plans are and you get a productive conversation.

Next time, say something utterly outrageous, like you're thinking of dying all his pants shocking pink and putting them in random pillar boxes. That will tell you whether he's ignoring you or is a ginger cat in human form and the single braincell can only do one thing at once.

DP and I are both like this. DS is too actually. Our ears turn off when we're busy. Just get his attention before you start speaking.

I'm guilty of this I must admit. If I'm focussed on a task I just seem to switch off my ability to hear.

I actually think it’s not very considerate to demand immediate attention from someone who is clearly in the middle of something else, unless it’s urgent.
He is effectively in a conversation at that point and you’re interrupting and expecting he ditch his friend.

No, you call attention FIRST - why should his task (whatever it is) be interrupted by you ? Why is what you're asking be more important than what he's doing?

This is literally about the third most important issue I see as a couples therapist, everyone interpreting (wrongly) that their partner doesn't care about them, that they're prioritising xyz over them etc - not clocking for one minute that they're demanding something when they do it.

Call first, 'can I ask you something when you're ready' then when they indicate they're ready check again (as they're possibly still IN the mode of thinking about the task)

Then say what you want, ask them to comment/repeat back if it was really important etc.

Throw his phone on the floor, stamp on it and say “Listen to me when I am talking to you!”

This is reasonable, as anything you are saying is obviously going to be more important than anything he is doing.

If someone is actually texting I'd say wait or get their attention first
If scrolling I'd expect them to reply

I agree with @Unexpectedlysinglemum If you know they are texting back and forth, they are actually having a conversation. If he was talking to someone on the phone or in person you wouldn’t cut in and talk to him about a house. But I do see how texting seems different, can’t put my finger on why, but I don’t think it is