DH ignoring me when I speak

[ThatFunRubyHelper]

I notice that DH does this every so often and it’s so annoying.

Tonight we were on the sofa. He was on his phone texting. We are planning on moving house and I asked him about a house we are going to view, and what he thinks of it. He ignored me, completely focused on his texting. I asked again and he keeps ignoring me texting on his phone.

I have left the room without saying anything and I can hear him talking and laughing with a friend.

It’s so annoying, how can I get him to stop?

Oh fuck this, just because your bar is on the floor doesn't mean other women have to accept meekly waiting their turn to speak while their husbands gawk at a screen like teenage boys.

Not interrupting someone who is busy is having your bar on the floor?

fuck me, I thought it was just being courteous

I get having to ask for permission to speak and be listened to in some contexts but not when you are supposed to be having downtime with someone that you are close to. Sorry but no, it would just put me off speaking to that person if I had to do that. All it would have taken was a "just a moment" if the text couldn't wait.

Is it only when you "need" an answer? Would you get an instant answer if you said "dh I'm making a drink do you want one?"

But just because you are in the same room doesn’t mean you are ‘together’. If I’m writing a grant application, or helping mum with some drama, or talking through a holiday plan with a friend, I’m busy. I’m not ready and waiting for every word that drops out of his mouth. If he has something important to say- like a house he wants to show me- he can say ‘I’ve sent you a house link. Let me know when you can chat about it.’

Actually though, he just says ‘sent you a house…’ and I know what that means.

Well, he could say 'hang on' but he doesn't. He ignores you. I am approaching 100 years old and by dint of a long life and careful observation I can enlighten you as to what's going on ~ he is teaching you not to interrupt him when he's texting, because texting someone or other is important to him, and talking to you is not. This is how you train dogs. It distresses them to be ignored, so it's used to teach them how to behave. You don't have to say a word. If a dog jumps up on you, simply turn your back and act as though the dog isn't there. It will soon stop jumping up. Operant conditioning, innit? He's using it on you. You ask how you can get him to listen. I suppose you could use some fiendish reverse psychology on him, if you have the inclination, but why bother? He's shown you your place.

If somebody asked me something while I was texting I would say 'Hang on a sec' and finish off before focusing on them. But completely ignoring you is a bit much.

It's not just a male thing- I do this too. Have done since childhood. My wife knows she needs to get my attention before starting to speak to me if I'm focused on something, otherwise I genuinely won't hear her.

In the case of my husband he doesn't hear me he's that zoned in to what he is doing we are just white noise. He's not being ignorant it's not done conciously

Yes, that's exactly what it's like!

I see from your earlier comment you also have a wife- maybe it's a lesbian thing?! 😂

I suppose if he genuinely can't hear you then he's not being rude. What's he like if you tap him on the shoulder or shout in his ear?

Then he'll say give me a sec I'm just texting John or finishing whatever he is doing. I see no issue with this.

What?

Do people actually think it's OK to interrupt when someone is texting? What about if they're on a voice call or a video call? Or in the middle of talking to someone else? You just say what you want to say and expect them to drop what they're already in the middle of and give you their full attention? Really?

In this house, no one interrupts anyone in that way unless it's a dire emergency. We're polite and respectful to each other. We'd wait til until the call/text/conversation was finished before asking questions. At most we might say "do you have minute?" or "can we have a quick chat when you're done?", but we certainly wouldn't expect general chatter to be started when someone is clearly in the middle of something. Does no-one teach manners anymore?

I'm a straight woman and I generally can't multitask, talking/listeneing and doing is just something else that will make me arse up on something.

I genuinely don't hear when I'm engrossed in something.

To me texts are the not-urgent option that can usually wait most of the time. I'd prioritise someone in person over a text that could wait until later.

I’m not sure you can get him to stop. Does he do this to other people or is this rude and disrespectful behaviour reserved just for you?

Are you sure you want to move to a new place with him? He sounds disinterested in you.

I disagree with this. If they are texting back and forth, then it's a conversation, just in electronic format - just like a video call or a telephone call or in-person conversation.

Basically it's exceptionally rude to interrupt someone who is already in the middle of a conversation unless it's an emergency or time urgent.

For arguments sake how is the other person supposed to know when a person is in a text conversation? It doesn't look any different to other stuff you'd do on your phone. I get that argument for a phone call or video call because it's obvious that's what's going on.

Childish I know but I find mirroring behaviour works. Do the same to him, he'll soon get the message although he'll be annoyed at first because all too often men are self centred and he won't believe you're not hanging on his every word!

You use your nice words.
They may be sending a single text, in a group chat, or writing a grant application.

If they are engrossed, you ask them- have you got a minute to look at this?

Yeah that would be awkward as hell for me. I don't want to ask permission to speak to my own partner in my own home when he's just scrolling his phone.

Well I don’t want my partner to expect me to stop pricing up kitchen units, writing a grant application or helping mum with her banking.

Hell, I don’t really want to have to stop reading my novel if it’s at an absorbing bit.

When would you get anything done if people just walked in and interrupted constantly?

Do you never do anything important out of work hours?

I mean from his perspective you knew he was in the middle of something and you felt it was appropriate to take over and then get upset when he didn’t immediately stop what he was doing for you. If you were on the phone would you appreciate if he kept trying to talk to you about something?

Nothing so important that couldn't give a response. Or else I'd take myself off somewhere where I wouldn't be disturbed.

If someone is in the middle of something, and you want to initiate a conversation with them, it is polite to get their attention first. And if they say something like 'just a sec', then you give them the time to finish up before continuing. If you do this and they ignore you, when they can definitely hear you, then that's rude. (Although if someone repeatedly interupts me, talks at me, with no thought to what I was doing, then I'd probably start ignoring them too)

If you're just blurting out your question, then you're deciding unilaterally that whatever you want to discuss is more important that what they are doing, and purposefully interupting them, which is rude.