To cut them ALL off?

[MyProudHare]

TW sexual abuse

So it turns out my BIL (DH's sister's H) has just been convicted of online child sexual offences - suspended sentence and on the sex offender register.

I am so thankful our children have not ever been left alone with him and have not been harmed.

He sickens me to the core - it was a police sting that caught him. Sending sexual stuff to a police officer masquerading as a preteen girl.

Obviously there is no question of our children being near him again, and I never want to see him again - nor does DH.

SIL and MIL are supporting him. SIL is not seeking a divorce. They don't have kids btw, before anyone asks.

MIL is trying to persuade us to carry on as normal e.g. inviting us to family events where he will be present.

I'm so disgusted by people trying to brush this under the carpet that I want to cut SIL and MIL off too. MIL appears to care more about keeping up appearances than the safety of her grandchildren, and I do not know how SIL can sleep next to that vile man at night.

DH is agreeing with me on this, but some other family members seem surprised and seem to think he won't be a risk if lots of other adults are around. I don't think that's the entire point though - I feel like they are minimising and kind of condoning what he has done?

We're not wrong, are we? How can they support him like this?

You're not wrong. That is terrible.

I think it's hard to see when your child has done something so despicable you should be cutting ties though (thinking about your MIL) - I feel for your SIL too, it's sickening to think of someone 'standing by' their husband through all of that.

I could not condone that behaviour and I certainly wouldn't go anywhere near anyone who did condone it! Family or not, I would never be seen near them. YANBU

Snip Snip Snip - cut them all off YANBU.

Are they clinically insane? They want to ignore a peadophile in the family and expect you to still bring your children round!

absolutely bye bye 👋🏻

Yep SNIP SNIP this is unforgivable. Sadly I hear about it all too much where family stick by them.
I would cut my own blood off if they were a paedophile.
How can she have sex with him again, let alone be near him? He deserves to be left to rot.

If they think his behaviour is ok they are delusional.
As a parent your priority is the children.
Cut them off.

Cut them all off.

So what if other adults are around, that doesn't stop him from window shopping.

Tell them to use their own kids as the control group, yours are not going to be test subjects for a pedalo.

Very clearly your moral compass and values are very different to the rest of your family. Sometimes you have to make difficult decision and this is one of them.

I had a similar issue and had to cut contact my my DM and 2 sisters. Our DB has abused children, one of them being his own daughter. I was absolutely disgusted and cut all contact and would never let my DS anywhere near. All my family still see him and my DM has him staying at her house when her other Grandchild is staying there. My sister (who’s child it is) allows this.

I now don’t bother with any of them. I honestly don’t know how they can accept being in the company of a child abuser.

It must feel like they've all lost their minds. I hope you never question your decision, you are 100% sane and correct.

Hopefully family members are still in shock and denial and will wise up!
absolutely under no circumstance would I have anything to do with this man. I would possibly maintain relationship with your mother in law and sister in law if they were completely aware and understanding that my family will never be in his company, ie see them alone.

im sorry, but he’s already been caught out, god knows how much more damage he would, or still could, cause.

I’ve been there with family brushing things under the carpet to save face, and it galls me.

if your in laws are happy to lose their son and his family for the sake of that disgusting man, that’s on them. I don’t think I could personally ever not feel on edge knowing he was around.

I hope they see sense or at least respect your wishes

Oh my goodness that is awful.

Cut them all out yes and don't look back. Do NOT allow the relatives to sway and guilt you on this one.

If sil had divorced him and cut ties I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know. But anyone supporting him would be dead to me

Thank you. This has been such a shock. They really do walk among us. I never especially liked him but I never would have guessed that he would do something like that. I know the stats- children more likely to be abused by someone they know and trust. Hard as it has been, we have already told ours the truth (they are teens and pre teens). I need them to know in case any family member tries to pull the wool over their eyes.

This is insane! And as for keeping up appearances- surely they come across far worse for supporting him rather than cutting him off!

Your dm will have told them a weakened version of the truth.... Still nc with them all op.

You would think! They're very sort of 'let's hush up anything that isn't nice'. I think they are hoping it will all just go away. He'll be losing his job as he worked with kids. This isn't going to go away.

You’re not at all wrong. But isn’t it amazing how many enablers pop up to support abusers? OP, my ex husband was convicted and sentenced to prison for sexually abusing our daughter, a horrible trauma on its own. But losing people we loved and trusted to the abuser’s side has absolutely jaded me. I question everything and everyone. A wise mumsnetter who had walked my walk, in the depths of my despair over friends and family supporting the abuser and not the victim, my daughter, told me this (I paraphrase): The family remembers him as the person they thought he was. They haven’t yet accepted the deceiver he really is.

Three years on, he is totally carried by his family- family my children lost. I think they’ve just accepted my daughter’s death of her childhood as ‘one of those things’. Like, it’s only a grown man’s psychopathy and crusty old dick she had to contend with. “There’s always somebody worse off,” and bullshit of that kind. They can’t understand why they don’t have a relationship with us and why my children can’t visit their dad in jail. It breaks my brain, constantly.
They treat us like pariahs because I refused, and more importantly, my daughter refused to ‘love thy abuser and his enablers’.

Your BIL blew everything up. Step way back, way outside the blast radius, and shield yourself as your DH’s family implodes. You’ll have to hold each other closely, with enormous trust as your guide, and battle through this really traumatic time. Your DH will be under pressure from his own family. You’ll be the bad guy for wisely removing yourself from this shit storm. You’ve got children to protect and jobs to hold down without your reputations being sucked into BIL’s quagmire. My hope is that your SIL will see sense and grow weary of sticking by the side of this disgusting, predatory criminal whose life is in tatters and who will drag his wife down with him without a second thought. I hope she wakes up.

You are so far from wrong. You have a moral compass. Set the example. You are strong. Believe in your truth, OP, not their narrative. ❤️

I absolutely wouldn't see him and I would make clear I would never be going to any occasion he would be at.

But I might give MIL and SIL a little longer and just go for minimal contact.

I know she should just leave him but as endless threads on here show, there are many reasons women don't.

It must be a massive shock to discover that about your own husband. Lots of people go through periods of denial.

Do you think they are still in that stage or that there are any other issues with control at play here? Staying with a man like this doesn't point to high self esteem.

Would there be any reason that your MIL might not want to push SIL closer to this man by making it 'the two of them against the world ', a classic pattern of abusive relationships.

None of this may apply here but just raising as something to consider.

I am so, so sorry that happened to your daughter. Unbelievable that anyone would ever expect her, or you, to forgive him.

Much love to you both. ❤️

Thank you, yes. It has crossed our minds. Wise words and will definitely consider, thank you so much.

You have to let them do whatever they want to do. Even if it’s wrong or you can’t understand it. You can only choose how you react and what is right for your family.

@MyProudHare has your mil lost her mind??? why the hell would she endanger her grandchildren like that?? just to preserve the feelings of her daughter and a perverted son in law????? jezus!! save us all now!! you keep your children safe and as far away from him as possible!!

Eugh. Disgusting, and you are absolutely right to cut this scumbag off.

I have some experience in this area and it's not the most uncommon thing for families to support offending relatives, at least initially.

His life is practically over now. He'll have no career, so likely stuck at home or eventually doing menial work. People in the local community with know/find out, which will make things incredibly difficult for his family.

Is there a FIL? What's he saying? I'm not a mother myself but I do kind of understand how it might be more difficult for a mother to completely abandon their child.

Probably part of a wider discussion but we really need to do something about how we deal with these kind of sex offenders in this country, because the threat of these 'stings' (either by police or vigilante groups) clearly isn't working.

Are they using the 'it wasn't a child, it was a police officer'? You've seen their true colours. They don't have an issue with child abuse. Be prepared to be cut off.

YADNBU.

What in the fuck are the MIL and SIL thinking?