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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut them ALL off?

74 replies

MyProudHare · 13/01/2025 21:18

TW sexual abuse

So it turns out my BIL (DH's sister's H) has just been convicted of online child sexual offences - suspended sentence and on the sex offender register.

I am so thankful our children have not ever been left alone with him and have not been harmed.

He sickens me to the core - it was a police sting that caught him. Sending sexual stuff to a police officer masquerading as a preteen girl.

Obviously there is no question of our children being near him again, and I never want to see him again - nor does DH.

SIL and MIL are supporting him. SIL is not seeking a divorce. They don't have kids btw, before anyone asks.

MIL is trying to persuade us to carry on as normal e.g. inviting us to family events where he will be present.

I'm so disgusted by people trying to brush this under the carpet that I want to cut SIL and MIL off too. MIL appears to care more about keeping up appearances than the safety of her grandchildren, and I do not know how SIL can sleep next to that vile man at night.

DH is agreeing with me on this, but some other family members seem surprised and seem to think he won't be a risk if lots of other adults are around. I don't think that's the entire point though - I feel like they are minimising and kind of condoning what he has done?

We're not wrong, are we? How can they support him like this?

OP posts:
Projectme · 13/01/2025 22:25

Yes, yes you do cut them all off. YANBU. Christ alive...how can MIL/SIL support that?! Your poor DH, his own mum! She's unhinged.

Efillufwa · 13/01/2025 22:25

They would all be immediately cut off by me. To me standing by him means they condone his behaviour. Utter scum. I wouldn’t want any of them near my kids.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 13/01/2025 22:28

Disgusting. The filth who do these things should be completely ostracised. As should anyone who stands by them.

There’s no coming back from this.

Velvian · 13/01/2025 22:31

Your MIL is crazy to support him like this. He is not her son. Why would she? I can't imagine tge marriage with SIL can survive, beyond limping for a bit.

Thepurplepig · 13/01/2025 22:32

WTF is wrong with your MIL. I she actually ok? Seriously!!! My kids wouldn’t be left alone with any of them never mind the BIL. they all needs lot of help.

Firingsz · 13/01/2025 22:33

Unbelievable OP.
Your poor husband.
His stupid mother standing by this freak.
Cut them off.
She is no better than him.
I wouldn't allow her near your children.

Tinselinthewhoopsiebasket · 13/01/2025 22:35

Can't nc so can't say much but mil is imo worse than her ds.....

commonsense61 · 13/01/2025 22:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PokerFriedDips · 13/01/2025 22:43

You can't control how a wife interacts with her criminal husband or how a mother interacts with her daughter who has decided to stick by her criminal husband but yanbu to want nothing to do with the sex offender. I wouldn't cut them off altogether unless they are totally unable to respect your position. DH should give his mum and sister a clear ultimatum - that their own relationships with with the sex offender is their own business but none of your family will be within 100 metres of the sex offender under any circumstances and they can choose to either help manage that by ensuring that you are invited on different days and that there's no chance of overlap, in which case everything can continue without further trauma, or they can continue to pressure you all into events where you will overlap with him in which case all contact with any of them will stop

AdoraBell · 13/01/2025 22:43

YANBU. Cut him off and if your MIL still insists he’s “okay” cut her off too.

I’m glad that your DH is supporting you. Stick to your guns. If they try to manipulate you about not seeing the grandchildren then be very clear - we are keeping our children away from child abusers.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2025 22:48

Utterly sickening. How devastating on many counts. I’m so sorry 💐

Doloresparton · 13/01/2025 22:50

PokerFriedDips · 13/01/2025 22:43

You can't control how a wife interacts with her criminal husband or how a mother interacts with her daughter who has decided to stick by her criminal husband but yanbu to want nothing to do with the sex offender. I wouldn't cut them off altogether unless they are totally unable to respect your position. DH should give his mum and sister a clear ultimatum - that their own relationships with with the sex offender is their own business but none of your family will be within 100 metres of the sex offender under any circumstances and they can choose to either help manage that by ensuring that you are invited on different days and that there's no chance of overlap, in which case everything can continue without further trauma, or they can continue to pressure you all into events where you will overlap with him in which case all contact with any of them will stop

I don’t agree.
The mil and dsil are sending a clear message that they will prioritise a paedophile over innocent dc.
That’s sick imo.

Rachmorr57 · 13/01/2025 22:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MeganM3 · 13/01/2025 22:59

The mil and dsil are sending a clear message that they will prioritise a paedophile over innocent dc.
That’s sick imo.

Agree with this poster.
They are not taking the actions and nature of this man (Peado) seriously. They are minimising what has occurred. And their loyalty is misplaced. They can't be trusted.

commonsense61 · 13/01/2025 23:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

commonsense61 · 13/01/2025 23:01

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

healthybychristmas · 13/01/2025 23:20

Has your mother-in-law always been the type to go along with whatever her daughter wants?

I reckon the only way your sister-in-law can accept her husband doing this is by blaming the girl involved. I wouldn't want to be there for that conversation.

Saveusernames · 13/01/2025 23:22

StrawberryWater · 13/01/2025 21:32

Cut them all off.

So what if other adults are around, that doesn't stop him from window shopping.

Tell them to use their own kids as the control group, yours are not going to be test subjects for a pedalo.

Plenty of CSA happens in the presence of other adults.....as the adults have been groomed.

Keep away from this vile man and keep shining a light on your delusional ILs who by thier actions are happy to throw children under the bus / into the grip of a paedo predator to save face socially. Keep exposing them all.

Original poster
MyProudHare · 13/01/2025 23:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SIL I have no idea. Both DH and his other sister have been advising her she should leave.

MIL is literally saying 'we need to respect SIL's decision'.

This is not a decision I can respect.

OP posts:
Thisisnotmyid · 13/01/2025 23:30

Absolutely not. You’re doing the right thing OP by protecting your children and to be honest I’d be screaming at MIL or SIL anytime they dared mentioned his name. They would all be dead to me now for even considering to acknowledge this type of person anymore. I would also be making it clear to everyone I know what type of man he really is to protect other people as unfortunately these news stories don’t often get out as much as they should!

Original poster
MyProudHare · 13/01/2025 23:30

Just to clarify as there is some confusion.

BIL the sex offender is my husband's sister's husband.

MIL is the mother of DH and his sister. Sex offender is her son in law, not her own son.

OP posts:
Ladyluckinred · 13/01/2025 23:43

You’re doing the right thing. MIL & SIL’s support of him may be very dangerous, they’d likely overlook signs of grooming/abuse as they wouldn’t want to believe it.

As for “the grandchildren are fine, adults will be present”. Absolutely not true in a lot of cases, abuse can and does take place in plain sight.

AND..

You’d likely punch or want to punch him if he even so much as looked in your kids direction. So yeah, you’re right to stay away from them all until they stay away from him.

backawayfatty1 · 13/01/2025 23:46

I'd be cutting out everyone who sticks by him.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/01/2025 23:48

Would he even be allowed to be in the company of your children with the terms of his Sex Offender status?

Saveusernames · 13/01/2025 23:50

PastaBelly · 13/01/2025 21:42

Hopefully family members are still in shock and denial and will wise up!
absolutely under no circumstance would I have anything to do with this man. I would possibly maintain relationship with your mother in law and sister in law if they were completely aware and understanding that my family will never be in his company, ie see them alone.

im sorry, but he’s already been caught out, god knows how much more damage he would, or still could, cause.

I’ve been there with family brushing things under the carpet to save face, and it galls me.

if your in laws are happy to lose their son and his family for the sake of that disgusting man, that’s on them. I don’t think I could personally ever not feel on edge knowing he was around.

I hope they see sense or at least respect your wishes

Hopefully family members are still in shock and denial and will wise up!

This will happen sooner rather than later if you continue to 'shine a light on it' and put in consequences for your MIL. Then the ball is in her court.