Page 3 | To cut them ALL off?

MyProudHare · 2025-01-13T21:18:37+00:00

**TW sexual abuse** So it turns out my BIL (DH's sister's H) has just been convicted of online child sexual offences - suspended sentence and on the sex offender register. I am so thankful our children have not ever been left alone with him and have not been harmed. He sickens me to the core - it was a police sting that caught him. Sending sexual stuff to a police officer masquerading as a preteen girl. Obviously there is no question of our children being near him again, and I never want to see him again - nor does DH. SIL and MIL are supporting him. SIL is not seeking a divorce. They don't have kids btw, before anyone asks. MIL is trying to persuade us to carry on as normal e.g. inviting us to family events where he will be present. I'm so disgusted by people trying to brush this under the carpet that I want to cut SIL and MIL off too. MIL appears to care more about keeping up appearances than the safety of her grandchildren, and I do not know how SIL can sleep next to that vile man at night. DH is agreeing with me on this, but some other family members seem surprised and seem to think he won't be a risk if lots of other adults are around. I don't think that's the entire point though - I feel like they are minimising and kind of condoning what he has done? We're not wrong, are we? How can they support him like this?

Saveusernames · 13/01/2025 23:54

Dont be silent on this either. Keep it 'aired' as this will reduce any risk to other DCs who may be in your MIL/SILs homes.

commonsense61 · 13/01/2025 23:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

blacksax · 13/01/2025 23:58

A suspended sentence? Disgusting pervert. Some might say that people like him should be suspended from a beam.

FatAgain · 13/01/2025 23:59

Judge away OP.

My husbands friend was jailed for similar and we were so devastated - we blocked him instantly.

Ponderingwindow · 14/01/2025 00:01

Most of the threads on here with people ready to cut off their family are people who describe scenarios that don’t warrant such a dramatic action. You are not overreacting.

you should have been able to trust your close family to react appropriately to want to keep the children safe. This reaction shows that your family network can’t be utilized anymore. Even if they come around eventually, you will never really trust their judgment.

If the ILs just want to see their son privately without it being a larger family event, I think that would be acceptable. I don’t think a parent can ever really walk away from a child completely, no matter how heinous the crime. They just need to set strict boundaries like only meeting privately and in places he can’t cause harm.

Saveusernames · 14/01/2025 00:28

Ponderingwindow · 14/01/2025 00:01

Most of the threads on here with people ready to cut off their family are people who describe scenarios that don’t warrant such a dramatic action. You are not overreacting.

you should have been able to trust your close family to react appropriately to want to keep the children safe. This reaction shows that your family network can’t be utilized anymore. Even if they come around eventually, you will never really trust their judgment.

If the ILs just want to see their son privately without it being a larger family event, I think that would be acceptable. I don’t think a parent can ever really walk away from a child completely, no matter how heinous the crime. They just need to set strict boundaries like only meeting privately and in places he can’t cause harm.

If the ILs just want to see their son privately without it being a larger family event, I think that would be acceptable. I don’t think a parent can ever really walk away from a child completely, no matter how heinous the crime.

This isnt even their son!!! Its the MILs SIL.....who she has prioritised over her own DGCs (or in reality she has prioritised her own 'ego' / perceived social standing over her DGCs)

Member869894 · 14/01/2025 00:33

I could never abandon my children however heinous the crime they committed. Do you expect your MIl to abandon her DS?

Peopleinmyphone · 14/01/2025 00:36

Yanbu at all but I am sort of worried for the sil deciding to stay with him.

Saveusernames · 14/01/2025 00:44

Member869894 · 14/01/2025 00:33

I could never abandon my children however heinous the crime they committed. Do you expect your MIl to abandon her DS?

Its not her son. Its her SIL.

She is abandoning her own son and own grandchildren by her choices.

HeddaGarbled · 14/01/2025 00:44

A suspended sentence will always come with conditions. Do you know what they are? I’d have thought those conditions would be around contact with children. If he breaches the conditions, his prison sentence will no longer be suspended but will happen. So the family will support no contact between him and any children in the family, I assume. Presumably SIL and BIL don’t have any.

HeddaGarbled · 14/01/2025 00:53

OK, I’ve just re-read the OP. They don’t have their own children. Don’t the family realise that if he has contact with children, the suspended sentence will no longer be suspended and off to prison he’ll go?

paranoiaofpufflings · 14/01/2025 01:25

He sounds a vile man and I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him again!

However, I'd urge caution over cutting off your SIL and MIL. This has only just happened and your SIL will have had a huge shock. The man she planned to spend her life with just convinced of something awful. It's a reflex response that she might try to cling on to the life she had, the life she thought she would have, by declaring she will not divorce him. But how she feels now isn't necessarily how she will feel in a week, a month, a few months, when the shock wears off and reality sets in. If it were my sister/SIL I'd want to stick around her to pick up the pieces and support her when inevitably she realises she hates him too.

Likewise your MIL, who presumably wants to do anything she can to support her own daughter and finds herself caught up being close to that awful man in doing so.

Give them a chance to get their heads together before cutting them off.

bozzabollix · 14/01/2025 04:49

We sadly knew someone who was convicted for similar, his own family cut off his brother because he refused to stand by him. This isn’t uncommon.

Abusers are very good at manipulating others. Your SIL will have been given an almighty sob story. She’s then probably fed that to her mother who’s gone along with it.

I’d be very clear about reasons for not attending family events when he is there. Safety is paramount for your children. Quite why they can’t see the reason to protect their own grandchildren must be very upsetting for you. What does your husband think? Mine would go berserk with his parents and sister in these circumstances.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 14/01/2025 05:28

Member869894 · 14/01/2025 00:33

I could never abandon my children however heinous the crime they committed. Do you expect your MIl to abandon her DS?

Child abuse, I’d absolutely abandon my DC for, imagine sticking by a child abuser!!

It’s not her son though.

OP - I’d also be vocal about why I was avoiding them, not supporting their quest to shroud it in secrecy. Oh we don’t see them since he was convicted of child sex offences. Other people deserve to know to keep a wide berth too.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant for this filth.

Original poster

MyProudHare · 14/01/2025 06:24

HeddaGarbled · 14/01/2025 00:44

A suspended sentence will always come with conditions. Do you know what they are? I’d have thought those conditions would be around contact with children. If he breaches the conditions, his prison sentence will no longer be suspended but will happen. So the family will support no contact between him and any children in the family, I assume. Presumably SIL and BIL don’t have any.

My other SIL (who does have kids) was told 'no unsupervised contact', whatever that really means. I'm not happy with any contact at all. I don't know if there are more terms, that is something to try and find out, thank you for flagging.

SIL and BIL who is implicated do not have kids, thankfully.

OP posts:

THisbackwithavengeance · 14/01/2025 06:28

People swearing black's white they'd abandon their own DC if convicted of sex offences are full of shit.

You wouldn't abandon them.

A spouse is different of course.

Agix · 14/01/2025 06:30

YANBU OP. However you ask why your SiL and MiL are defending/seemingly condoning.. Is it possible they are not condoning, but rather don't believe he committed the offense? If it was a police sting, offenders may try to tell family and friends "I've never done it before! They trapped me! They actually told me they were older and are now lying about it!" etc.

Maybe your DH could talk to SiL and ask why the hell she's staying with him.

Zanatdy · 14/01/2025 06:32

I wouldn’t be going anywhere near the sister or her DH. I would see the MIL as long as they aren’t present. But she needs to realise she is crazy expecting you to allow your DC to be anywhere near this guy, supervised or not. I wouldn’t want to see him again.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 14/01/2025 06:51

I can sort of see MIL side tbh. I wouldn’t abandon my dd as I’d want to try and persuade her slowly to leave her dh.

Outwardly I’d be appearing to support it while doing everything in my power to get her away from a vile human being.

And I’d not have anything to do with the BIL if I was in your situation.

Your sil is likely in shock and it may take her a long while to realise what he actually is. Also he wasn’t sent to prison so in her eyes could be erroneously thinking it’s not that bad.

Newfoundzestforlife · 14/01/2025 06:53

StrawberryWater · 13/01/2025 21:32

Cut them all off.

So what if other adults are around, that doesn't stop him from window shopping.

Tell them to use their own kids as the control group, yours are not going to be test subjects for a pedalo.

Very distasteful comment....No kids should be exposed to a pedophile!

Notaboutthebass · 14/01/2025 07:23

Agree with @PastaBelly

Notaboutthebass · 14/01/2025 07:27

Sorry meant to say, agree with @paranoiaofpufflings

Original poster

MyProudHare · 14/01/2025 07:45

paranoiaofpufflings · 14/01/2025 01:25

He sounds a vile man and I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him again!

However, I'd urge caution over cutting off your SIL and MIL. This has only just happened and your SIL will have had a huge shock. The man she planned to spend her life with just convinced of something awful. It's a reflex response that she might try to cling on to the life she had, the life she thought she would have, by declaring she will not divorce him. But how she feels now isn't necessarily how she will feel in a week, a month, a few months, when the shock wears off and reality sets in. If it were my sister/SIL I'd want to stick around her to pick up the pieces and support her when inevitably she realises she hates him too.

Likewise your MIL, who presumably wants to do anything she can to support her own daughter and finds herself caught up being close to that awful man in doing so.

Give them a chance to get their heads together before cutting them off.

Yes I think this is a good point. Perhaps I am being dramatic in declaring I want to cut them all off - I'm just still a bit in shock, as is DH of course (he's really upset - about the kids, also worried about his sister of course).

It's striking a balance because I do also think they need to know what the consequences will be if they don't get their heads together.

We will certainly be keeping our distance for now.

OP posts:

StopGo · 14/01/2025 08:38

Request disclosure via Sarah's Law. That way you have more facts and details of terms of his probation.

I'm surprised that no one from social services, probation services or the police haven't been in touch with you. Don't be surprised if they do contact you.