Partner of 19 years just punched a door and smashed a glass

[Teacake808]

As title says.. Been with my partner 19 years. We have 3 kids together. I've had to give up my job that I loved after continues backpain. On going for 5 months. He works full time. We were enjoying a glass of wine earlier. I mentioned that I wasn't particularly happy with our dog groomer, she always cuts her to short. He went over the top saying we will cancel etc in a dramatic way. I tell him this is the second time today I've voiced an opinion and he's overreacted. He then gets up and smashes a wine glass telling me I'm a shite unsettled person and punches a door on the way out. What the actual. I'm literally in shock. Yes I've been sad I've lost my job but still looking after my house and making sure that twat has a cooked meal after his shift😌

Thank you for all the helpful comments.. Except the one that stated he was resentful for working to support his family. Clearly no idea 😒 violence is never acceptable, he generally is a really good person and dad usually..Going forward maybe our relationship has run it's course

You really do need to take this seriously, my ex did some things like this and would blame it on stress or "passion" or whatever. But things did escalate and it ended with him trying to kill me. I know things don't always go that far but you can't risk it, especially when there's kids involved.

When you say he's not supporting you, what exactly do you mean?

Your child could tell school about this

Please leave this is 5 times too many - gently you know this and you know you need to protect your DC. You are teaching your H and DC that this behaviour is ok and it absolutely isn’t.

There is so much evidence in relation to the harm your H is inflicting on you and your DC - your DC and yours safety must come first.

He needs to leave and attend anger management before you let him back through the door

OP your husband was out of order big time.
But i cant help think that something dont add up with all of this.
There as to be more going on.

Nor sure why I should explain my financial situation to you 🤔 @ Dramatic

So what if the child does tell a teacher thats what they are there for.

Point out to him that most people grow out of sulking by the age of 15.

I think the much vaunted “anger management” courses are bullshit.

Men like this are already quite capable of managing their anger outbursts and their shitty moods:
As said by stormwatcher, “Would your partner smash a glass, punch a door then insult his boss? Parents? A female friend? Another male? No. And he has done this to you before.”

They can control themselves perfectly well, or else they would be continually arrested for hitting people, and continually being sacked from work for misconduct.
They just save it up for you, because they think they can get away with it.

He’s managing his anger perfectly. He’s got the OP right where he wants her

You may not be scared of him but I bet your poor children are terrified. Do you want them to be abused or abusers because they think violent outbursts are normal or acceptable? Want more for them if not for you.

Iv punched walls when angry but iv never laid a finger on another person it's just a form of self harm

Maybe for you. For others it’s a threat of violence. And is completely unacceptable in the presence of children

He punched a door not a puppy it's really not that deep

People on mumsnet love nothing more than recommending “LTB” to strangers on the internet.

Not excusing the behaviour at all, but 5 times in 19 years - if it was going to escalate I would’ve thought it would have got way worse by now.

A serious conversation - starting from a position that this is totally unacceptable - to try and understand if there are underlying reasons would seem like a reasonable starting point.

If at any point you are fearful of this becoming physical against you or DC this obviously completely changes the situation.

LTB before he smashes you

If you don’t mind, I’d like to give you my perspective on this. I had a father who sometimes couldn’t control his anger. He never laid a finger on me or, as far as I know, on any other person. But he would put his foot through doors, punch walls, throw furniture, and yell. It was terrifying. And it’s taken me a long time to realise how traumatic that was for me. He would have bouts of road rage where he would bite his own hand and yell at other drivers, and he couldn’t stop, even when I was sitting next to him, sobbing in terror.

Expressing violence towards inanimate objects, even if you only cause physical pain to yourself, can be terrifying to the people you’re with. It’s particularly awful for children, who are bad at understanding that they aren’t to blame for a parent’s anger, and that the parent isn’t going to physically harm them.

I don’t really talk about this side of my dad, because I don’t want people to think I’m claiming he was abusive or anything. But it was horrible and very upsetting, even though the only person who ever got injured was himself.

Indeed. It's domestic violence I wish I'd reported this to the police when my child's father did it

My kids have never seen me do this luckily. But unfortunately it's not something you can easily get help with. People who have no clue about mh have this belief in their head just go to counselling. Unless your rich this isn't really an option and even if you do manage to get support the support is usually very short and pretty crap.

Your child's also a domestic abuse victim. Please discuss this with the safeguarding lead at school they will signpost you to support. And it will be helpful paper trail when you have custody war in future

This!

If you're not 100% ready to separate from him OP, then tell him he either goes to anger management or it's over, but if he's not willing, then that would definitely be the end for me.

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling to get help. I know from experience how hard it is to get MH support - the system is very broken. I wish you all the best, and I hope you will be able to find the help you need somehow. You deserve to be supported.

I admire you for your effort not to have an outburst in front of your kids. I hope that doesn’t sound patronising. It sounds like you’re having to put a lot of energy into that self control, and I hope it’s a little bit of comfort to know that you’re doing something really good for them.