Husband doesn't want to do legal registry

[Saraahh]

Hi, so me and husband (both Muslim) had our nikkah done and have been married for 1.5 years. I am 6 months pregnant with our first child. I've been pushing him to get our registry done since before we even got married and said it has to be done before the baby is here.

After just asking him now, he said he won't do it unless I "change". Basically he wants me to cook more after the baby's here. I can't do much right now due to a complicated pregnancy and HG. I've already told him I will, I never even cooked till I got married and I learnt so many dishes.

It just makes me feel a bit crap and like he doesn't actually love me? He just wants someone to cook and clean for him? And it's making it seem like he's EXPECTING us to break up which is why he doesn't want to do a registry. Bear in mind I have also always worked full time too. And currently doing my teacher training and PGCE.

Am I wrong for feeling completely rubbish about this?

It might also help reading my other post as getting the registry was one of my conditions to not leave him.

Forget what he wants. What do you want? What do you need from each other to make the next 10-20 years happy ones? I think you need to speak to him and then have a think what the best way forward is for you.

My Mehr was £5000. Which he keeps reminding me of is a LOT apparently and more than what most women get (not from what I've seen...)

None lol he'll hardly take his own dishes to the kitchen. If he DOES cook (usually for himself because I don't eat the food he likes to make) and he doesn't clean up after himself his mum scolds me and says it's my responsibility To clean up after him to help him.

So this has been going on for a further 9 months since you posted - and nothing has changed, am I correct? Did he marry you? And baby is now here?

Why are you still with him? This is a choice you've made now - he refuses to help you, refuses to marry you - but you have chosen this life.

Only you can change it, and I really hope you do

Honestly, I'm scared to leave. I don't want my son growing up without a dad. We rely on him financially too right now. If the marriage breaks it'll send my dad into a depressive spiral and he'll blame himself

I wouldn’t worry about your son growing up without a dad. He can see him regularly. What I would worry about is your son seeing his mother treated in such a way. It’s only going to get worse. Give your son the chance to grow up and see women as equals.

OK, so you won't leave him. Then tell him that until you are legally married there will be:
No cooking for him
No sex
No laundry for him

Tell his family and the religious leader about him not paying mihr and refusing to marry you. Also tell him that he won't be on birth certificate if you are not legally married.

No wonder I'm an atheist ; all religions seem to be made by len in order to dominate women. Sick of it.

He’s shown you who he is.
Leave now or stay and regret it.
He neither respects you nor loves you. I am so sorry.

He will never marry you legally. Will you be at risk if you leave? Your Dads feelings should not trump your right to have a content life. He has broken his promise to you already. Why keep chasing something. Tell him you are going home for a bit so you can be looked after by your family. (If safe). Say you feel more comfortable there. Go home and stay there. We have had legal marriage in UK since 1753 yet women think that being a common law wife is a thing and now Asian men are using religion to put women in unacceptable financial positions as well. The Marriage Act is there to protect women.

Does your Dad know you never got your Mehr? Isn't this an insult to him?

I'm actually surprised your parents were okay with you not being legally married. Most imams now stress the importance of this, as there have been so many scandals with Nikah-only wives being mistreated. There might be someone at the mosque you can talk to.

I'd strongly suggest you call the MWN, they should understand your situation and have some appropriate suggestions. https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/

Reject the marriage, reject the religious/cultural demands on you, and become yourself, for yourself.

In case you're insufficiently informed about the conditions of marriage & divorce in Islam, have a look at this from the MWN. Divorce section begins on page 19.

https://www.mwnuk.co.uk//go_files/factsheets/631720-MWNUK%20Muslim%20Marriage%20and%20Divorce%20Booklet_WEB.pdf

By having a religious marriage and not having a civil one there may have been an offence committed both by your 'husband' and the mosque.

Mosque's can register as a venue for marriages but most dont, this puts them in an 'interesting' legal position

Its a much wider issue that just your case

I might be tempted to drop the Mosque in it as well

You really don't know how your father will respond to you leaving this man who is not actually your husband. Your partner has lied to you, he's emotionally and financially abusive.

You need to leave. He will have to pay child support. Go now while you are breast feeding so he can't have overnights. You have agency, you don't have to stay, waiting for this to get worse.

The great thing about living in England is that women have a lot more freedom & choice. Leave him. Its not your job to clean up after a 20/30 something year old man child. His mum should of brought him up better!
get a divorce & enjoy your new found freedom. You can do anything, you have your own free will dont just say in a unhappy marriage to make others happy - your the one living it not them!

Even if he does go through with the registry hand on your heart is this relationship a happy, respectful and good one for you?
Do you want your son to grow up like and model the behaviour of his dad?
Right now, I'm presuming you are on maternity leave. You still have your job. You still have some independence.
If the registry is really all you need to be content with this life then you need to push for it but your posts just sound like you want to be married because you should be and not because you want to be married to HIM.

if you’re scared go to Women’s Aid for support. Your child should not grow up in a household like this and that’s where your responsibility lies, not with your dad. Please don’t force the situation and make this guy marry you, especially not via some kind of financial deal.