Husband doesn't want to do legal registry

[Saraahh]

Hi, so me and husband (both Muslim) had our nikkah done and have been married for 1.5 years. I am 6 months pregnant with our first child. I've been pushing him to get our registry done since before we even got married and said it has to be done before the baby is here.

After just asking him now, he said he won't do it unless I "change". Basically he wants me to cook more after the baby's here. I can't do much right now due to a complicated pregnancy and HG. I've already told him I will, I never even cooked till I got married and I learnt so many dishes.

It just makes me feel a bit crap and like he doesn't actually love me? He just wants someone to cook and clean for him? And it's making it seem like he's EXPECTING us to break up which is why he doesn't want to do a registry. Bear in mind I have also always worked full time too. And currently doing my teacher training and PGCE.

Am I wrong for feeling completely rubbish about this?

It might also help reading my other post as getting the registry was one of my conditions to not leave him.

I feel Muslim women need to speak up for themselves, their daughters and sisters and insist on the legal registry being done in the UK before the Nikkah ceremony is done. So many Muslim women are taken advantage of and mistreated as a result.

I'm sorry this doesn't help you, but it may help others. Can you speak to the women elders or other supportive people in your community who your husband will listen to?

Mosques need to be ensuring that couples truly understand British law and Islamic marriage is not sufficient, some mosques have registrars that come to register marriages at the same time, this should be compulsory

OP, to be practical, what can you actually do if you don't want to stay with him?
Could you go back to your parents' home and have the baby there?
Could you rent or buy a property for yourself and your child at some point, perhaps when you are working?

Are you able to you dissolve the nikkah and be free of him, apart from having to negotiate child support and access?

Even better. Thanks for the info 😊

But it should be more if it's deferred because she could have invested the original mehr. If the divorce is in 20 years and it's only £5,000 that's not fair on her.

There's been a trend in the UK for the mehr to be around £100 because women have more rights in a legal divorce, but the mehr isn't supposed to replace a divorce settlement. And the OP doesn't have a legal marriage.

Mosques do enquire when the civil marriage is taking place if they don’t do it themselves.

I think it’s the same principle as most marriages in France - religious eg Catholic marriage isn’t valid by law so you have to tell the church when you’re off to the town hall.

You live with a bloke who wants you to cook and clean after him, are six months pregnant and are not married.

You seem quite bright as training to be a teacher, but appear to have been extremely naive and gullible. A promise of £5000. Are you a possession to be bought and sold?

The blokes waving more red flags than a festival.

He has no intention of giving you the mehr does he? In the same way that he has no intention of legally marrying you. You shouldn’t have to jump through hoops and he should want to provide for you and his unborn child. You think you can’t do it alone but you can and it will be a relief to be rid of him and his awful family. You have worked and studied so give yourself some credit. Take a bit of time to get your ducks in a row, figure out your finances (if he wants to be all cultural with his expectations don’t put another penny toward your home) save it. Take pictures of anything with details of his assets and income just in case for future child support, speak to your course tutors about deferring or see if there is any support that the uni can give you, rely on your family and friends who will help you set yourself up before you leave.

For what it is worth, some men and their enabling families will use faith and culture to control you to their advantage. The unrealistic expectations, moving goal posts, emotional and financial abuse are all ways to keep you in servitude. Yes, you might be Muslim but you are a British Muslim and that means something. Take courage in that. It seems impossible but you have can have access to support and services to help you and your child going forward without him. Use and rely on these, be free of this ordeal and deal with the hurt now or spend the rest of your life chopping yourself into pieces until you eventually disappear.

Register the baby with your surname and no father. He is a disgrace.

LTB

What kind of man doesn't pay the mehr and expect everything else.

He's horrible.

I'd be off back to my parents and telling them about it all so they know it's him not you.

Disgraceful way to treat his wife. Wonder if he's already eyeing up a second wife. Although I doubt he'd be allowed if can't afford to give you any bride money.

I think you’ve posted before and you had the same issues then, including him refusing to move out of his parents.

Honestly, you deserve better and yes it’s very worrying he doesn’t want to marry you legally as it leaves you vulnerable in the future. He doesn’t seem to see a future with you

What’s “legally protected”?

o/p what’s his financial situation? Does he work? You potentially have a great career as a teacher ahead of you, what is he bringing to the table?

people will say get married for your own protection, but that is only true if you are the weaker financial party. On marriage everything is 50:50- so if you have more assets than him, better pension and higher earning capacity, then protect yourself and DON’T get married.

He's still rhe baby's father though.

Why do they not ask for proof? What has gone wrong in the case of the OP?

It is extremely worrying that this is how a major religion in this country is treating women.

Because it doesn't matter to the mosque if the marriage is legally registered. They only care that the marriage is properly administered in Islam.

Some (a lot?) mosques happily marry men to a second, third or fourth wife. Obviously those marriages can't be legally recognised in law.

Islam is only concerned with Islam.

And herein lies the issues. Women's rights are not upheld by Islam.

I had a religious wedding, in another religion (not Christian). Our religious ceremony included a legal wedding. There is the option for this, and it should be standard.

He's placing demands on you as if you're a domestic slave. Trying to give you some kind of fake promise of more commitment if you 'change your ways'. You should not be subordinated by him or any other man.
There are plenty of decent men out there who won't try and manipulate you.
I have to say that demanding he marry you legally will only help in the legal sense. It won't make your relationship better. I'd say you'd be better off splitting up.

We had a non-religious, personal wedding not done in a registry office with our friends and family. For simply logistical reasons it was easier to handle the registry paperwork after the public ceremony. The officiant rightfully had reservations about that. We didn’t doubt our intention to follow through with a trip to fill out the paperwork, but the officiant can’t know each couple well enough. Sometimes it’s not possible to do them simultaneously, but they both have to be done. I realize now that officiants can and should insist on the legal part being done first.

If for whatever reason the religious ceremony is not also a legal one, then the legal wedding should be done prior, as you say. The religious venue should demand proof of this.

I have heard stories of women not knowing that the Islamic religious ceremony has not legal standing. The situation clearly exploits vulnerable women, like the OP here.

You need to leave, in fact not just leave, you need to RUN!!

He is testing how obedient you will be to him, before getting legally married. Should this happen, I can only imagine the abuse he will level as he continues turning you more and more into his slave.

Right now, it's easier to leave as you have nothing legal tying you together.

Get out, please!!

"The nikkah is the Islamic marriage which we have to do and comes with its own rights but it's not recognised by UK law"

NOT RECOGNISED BY UK LAW. That's the important bit* *@Saraahh. Your 'husband' is not legally your husband - and you are not legally his wife. And that's how he like's it. That's where he wants you to be.

What action can you take, religiously? Will your mosque help you - or him?

Except Humanist weddings are not legally recognised. Celebrants ask about legal weddings but don't demand proof, not would they, but do advise that the Humanist wedding is not legally recognised.

It just makes me feel a bit crap and like he doesn't actually love me?
That is correct, he doesn't love you. He might say he does, but actions speak louder than words.

He just wants someone to cook and clean for him?
Correct again.

Am I wrong for feeling completely rubbish about this?
No you are not wrong for feeling rubbish.
But you are foolish if you don't do anything about your situation.

Don't try to get a legal UK marriage. Instead, leave him, because he is a horrible person who does not treat you well.

There are Asian Women's Abuse Centres across the country who will be able to assist you here, and provide both practical and legal support for your situation. Can you use Google to find your nearest one, or can you let us know where in the country you are so one of us can help?

What rights does the nikkah give you in the UK?

What is making you stay with him? He doesn’t sound like he respects you or is a kind and loving husband who wants the best for you.

Financially are you in a better position than him? If you are or are likely to be (teachers pension) then marriage may not be the best option. Why do you want to be married to him?

If you are renting and he has no assets and he has a job with a normal pension - no way would I marry this awful man. And if he’s dangling marriage over you like it’s a carrot and he’s the prize of the year but has no assets and a standard pension then he’s an idiot for not rushing to marry you when you’ll be the one with the great pension!