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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I Cut Off All Communication

74 replies

ZiggyZowie · 13/01/2025 20:57

I have a sister who I'm not close to. She has copied me in some aspects of my life.
She went and did the same nursery nurse course as me. She got a job as a nanny thereafter like me in the same street ,in same block of flats !!
She would ask where I bought dress I was wearing and go and buy exact same dress. Kind of flattering in a way I guess.
She was very possessive over my mum and I could never see my mum without her being there.
She is now 71 and single. I am 66,and married with 5 kids,all grown up now.
Latest thing, I moved up to Scottish Highlands a while back from Edinburgh.
She has now retired and moved up to a village 5 miles from one I live in .
However I rarely see her, maybe once every 3 months for coffee .
We had a sister older than us in London who has now sadly died. She had one son in the 80s..
When he was born this sister came up to visit us in Edinburgh, My copycat sister commented " oh she'll be using us as babysitters while she goes to all the festival stuff"
I thought what a strange comment as I was looking forward to seeing baby nephew and also sister from London.
But copycat sister just seems to worry about being "used' by people.
As years went by I had my children and stayed at home by choice to look after them. I can count on one hand number of time's sister visited them. However, she kept in contact with several of kids she was a nanny to, has photos of them in her house and their children
But no photos of my kids, her nieces and nephews.
Today was the limit.
I got a text saying this
" I have many photos of your children ,many as babies that mum must have taken "
( mum now deceased)
" I am not keeping them,you can decide if you want them"

It seems very cold and offhand and I just feel like I've had enough of her passive aggressive nature and would like to cut off all contact .
I don't know why she has come up 200 odd miles to live near me.
Also, she is worried about people "using" her as she puts it.
I once said to her ,"everyone uses each other but I prefer to say people "need" each other rather than "use".

AIBU to cut all contact ?

OP posts:
Fluffygoon · 13/01/2025 21:39

The copying sounds like jealousy, especially as she had to be around when you visited your mum. Having photos of other people’s children instead of her own nieces and nephews that’s passive aggressive and hurtful. She could be jealous of you having a nice large family with the close connections.

If she’s moving it could be a case of decluttering - could you meet for coffee to get the photos back of your kids and ask if she’s binning all the others too.

It seems like she doesn’t bring much positivity to your life so YANBU to cut all contact.

Endofyear · 13/01/2025 22:13

She's 71 and on her own, is it really worth cutting all contact over seemingly petty reasons? The message about the photos of your children was a bit blunt and insensitive but she probably didn't mean to cause offence. If you only meet up for coffee now and again, it's not like she impinges on your life a great deal 🤷‍♀️

Efillufwa · 13/01/2025 22:19

If she has no photos of your children, then I don’t understand the text. That’s a contradiction.
If you have put up with her ways for this long then I really don’t see the point in cutting her off now at your ages. Stay as you are, you don’t really see her anyway. She’s not toxic as such.

RedDogBowl · 13/01/2025 22:40

This all seems extraordinarily childish. I’d normally suggest everyone involved needs to grow up, but…

Original poster
ZiggyZowie · 13/01/2025 22:41

Efillufwa · 13/01/2025 22:19

If she has no photos of your children, then I don’t understand the text. That’s a contradiction.
If you have put up with her ways for this long then I really don’t see the point in cutting her off now at your ages. Stay as you are, you don’t really see her anyway. She’s not toxic as such.

The context is she was clearing out my mum's house after she died.
That's how she has come across the photos of my children - they were my mum's photos.
She's letting me know she doesn't want them.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 13/01/2025 22:45

It sounds to me like she's had a long standing problem with her self esteem and the things like clothes/ career etc are relatively easy to copy, but a happy family life and children is maybe the part that she couldn't find for herself. My guess is she finds that difficult and has pushed you and your children away in order to cope with that in her own way while still trying to mirror the other happiness you've found in life eg living in a beautiful place for example.

I probably wouldn't cut her off given her age and that you don't see her often anyway, but I'd just refuse to engage emotively with any passive aggressive behaviours.

User3456 · 17/01/2025 00:16

I think I would go low contact (it seems like you're fairly low contact anyway?).
I wouldn't cut all contact, it's pretty drastic and would leave bad feeling anyway.
She's not addressed the photos sensitively and I can see why it's got your back up but in my opinion what she has done is not relationship ending bad.
Get the photos back and don't instigate contact for a while after that, see how it goes.

ChiliFiend · 17/01/2025 00:20

She's clearing out her mum's house and found photos of her sister's kids. She asked her sister if she wants them. Not a drama.

KrisAkabusi · 17/01/2025 00:25

She's letting me know she doesn't want them.

That's your very negative interpretation. Most people would just think that she's asking if you want them.

You can cut contact if you want, but I don't think you're blameless in the lack of a relationship between the two of you.

youve987456 · 17/01/2025 00:48

I love my niece a lot but wouldn't want a load of pictures of her.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 17/01/2025 00:53

She doesn't have an emotional connection to the work kids, but your kids might be a painful reminder she didn't have any if it wasn't by choice.

Why are you stuck on a comment from decades ago?

Let it go OP, you've lost your mum and sister, don't punish her for it.

Delphiniumandlupins · 17/01/2025 01:17

Maybe she did find people assumed that a single, childfree nanny would have lots of time to look after their children/want to babysit etc. It sounds as if you have a lovely life, maybe she isn't so content with hers. I try not to be irritated by my sibling when they say something critical. I know they're probably unthinking and I have had an easier life in many ways.
You're already fairly low contact, just carry on and don't take stuff personally.

Ponoka7 · 17/01/2025 01:29

ZiggyZowie · 13/01/2025 22:41

The context is she was clearing out my mum's house after she died.
That's how she has come across the photos of my children - they were my mum's photos.
She's letting me know she doesn't want them.

Show quote history

I'm not particularly into photos. She chose her life and the pictures of the children she was nanny to, are her memories. You aren't close, go and help her clear out your mum's and take what you want. She's doing nothing wrong. Just carry on as you have always been. If she was now asking your children care or company (as my distant sister is) , you'd have a point.

Waterweight · 17/01/2025 01:45

Cut ties you've had literally decades of this bullshittery & the photo comment is just nasty for the sake of it.

RawBloomers · 17/01/2025 02:15

I think your expectations for your sister may be a bit unreasonable. If you don’t like her you don’t like her, and you don’t have to have contact with her. But to take umbrage at her telling you you can have your mum’s photos of your children seems bizarre.

Why would you expect your sister to want the photos? Her wording could have been a bit more perky but she’s letting you know you can have them. Which seems fairly normal really - to pass on a grandparent’s photos of DGC to the child’s parent rather than the child’s aunt keeping them. They aren’t her kids, they’re yours. She didn’t have some great, close relationship with them. She doesn’t celebrate them with pictures around her house. What reason would she have for keeping them over offering them to you? And if you don’t want them, why on earth should she?

Turophilic · 17/01/2025 02:37

She found photos of your children in your mum’s stuff. She’s offering them to you.

She’s not going to want them, she’s clearing out her mum’s possessions. A pile of baby photos of her sister’s kids aren’t things she needs to keep.

I don’t know why this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back for you, OP. It’s a non-event.

Frozensun · 17/01/2025 02:45

I’m not sure what the issue is, and how her comment is passive aggressive. They’re your children’s photos. If you want them, take them. I think there’s a lot of festering emotion colouring this interaction. If you don’t want to talk to her again, then don’t. In itself, this isn’t a defining moment.

corvidconvo · 17/01/2025 03:01

I agree with previous posters. She could have stated it more gracefully, but it's normal enough to pass along the photos of your children to you. You're more likely to cherish them.

She's a little odd, but I don't see that this issue with the photos is worth falling out over. Take the photos and continue your already low-contact relationship, would be my advice.

Oneearringlost · 17/01/2025 03:12

Do you think you'll be doing anything you'll regret, in the future, given that she's now in her 70s? The future may be closer than you think. If it were me, I'd worry I may feel sad if something happened to her, and her last memories of you were that you cut her out of your life.

CryJustALittleBit · 17/01/2025 05:14

This, OP!!

CryJustALittleBit · 17/01/2025 05:15

Sorry had a quote fail!

basically I think jn the circs YANBU at all to cut ties

CryJustALittleBit · 17/01/2025 05:17

Waterweight · 17/01/2025 01:45

Cut ties you've had literally decades of this bullshittery & the photo comment is just nasty for the sake of it.

This is the quote I wanted to quote

CryJustALittleBit · 17/01/2025 05:19

My feeling with this is that YANBU at all. I know some posters feel that the photo thing is innocuous but tbh - I think comments like the photo one your sister made land differently if you’ve had a history of weird, at best unsupportive behaviour from your sister

Kezlvswolfie · 17/01/2025 05:31

I never normally comment on these things as to be honest, why should my opinion matter to someone I don’t know. However, in this case I wanted to because it seems quite clear to me from what you’re writing that your system has some form of autism (not to label it). Cutting off all contact with her at the age of 71 when she has no one else and you’re the only one she feels she is able to have some sort of relationship with I think would be pretty difficult and sad for you both. If this is brand new information to you (so sorry if it is), maybe read up on these types of behaviours so you can understand them better which may help you to feel less hurt by it all.

Jk987 · 17/01/2025 05:32

I rarely think that going no contact is a good thing. She lives locally, she's your sister, just stick to the minimal contact you have now.

It's not too late to start changing how you respond though. Call her out. Don't let things fester.

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