Should I Cut Off All Communication

[ZiggyZowie]

I have a sister who I'm not close to. She has copied me in some aspects of my life.
She went and did the same nursery nurse course as me. She got a job as a nanny thereafter like me in the same street ,in same block of flats !!
She would ask where I bought dress I was wearing and go and buy exact same dress. Kind of flattering in a way I guess.
She was very possessive over my mum and I could never see my mum without her being there.
She is now 71 and single. I am 66,and married with 5 kids,all grown up now.
Latest thing, I moved up to Scottish Highlands a while back from Edinburgh.
She has now retired and moved up to a village 5 miles from one I live in .
However I rarely see her, maybe once every 3 months for coffee .
We had a sister older than us in London who has now sadly died. She had one son in the 80s..
When he was born this sister came up to visit us in Edinburgh, My copycat sister commented " oh she'll be using us as babysitters while she goes to all the festival stuff"
I thought what a strange comment as I was looking forward to seeing baby nephew and also sister from London.
But copycat sister just seems to worry about being "used' by people.
As years went by I had my children and stayed at home by choice to look after them. I can count on one hand number of time's sister visited them. However, she kept in contact with several of kids she was a nanny to, has photos of them in her house and their children
But no photos of my kids, her nieces and nephews.
Today was the limit.
I got a text saying this
" I have many photos of your children ,many as babies that mum must have taken "
( mum now deceased)
" I am not keeping them,you can decide if you want them"

It seems very cold and offhand and I just feel like I've had enough of her passive aggressive nature and would like to cut off all contact .
I don't know why she has come up 200 odd miles to live near me.
Also, she is worried about people "using" her as she puts it.
I once said to her ,"everyone uses each other but I prefer to say people "need" each other rather than "use".

AIBU to cut all contact ?

She's cleaning out your mom's place and offered you pics of your kids?

That seems really normal ... I don't get the drama.

Op I think your sister is considerate. If she thought the photos were worthless , she would have just thrown them away.

The bigger question is why you are looking for any excuse to cut off your sister? Who is alone in the world and getting on.

To me, what you have described is someone with some special needs or severe issues with self esteem. She hasn’t had children or got married is not so much of an issue - but I wonder how she feels about that? She seems to have looked to you to work out how to get a job etc, what to wear, how to behave - she is suspicious because she feels vulnerable.

You can cut her off, but why not look at her from my point of view. She sounds vulnerable, she is by herself. She may have found it so hard watching you have so many children and she didn’t have any. Nor has she has she ever been loved by a man or a friend even. Please find some empathy. There will be reasons why her life has turned out this way.

I don’t really see why you would decide never to communicate with someone again over this. Your sister sounds a bit odd but you don’t see much of her anyway.

I wouldn't cut contact, it's not like she's always around. My db was not very good around my dc when they were younger and being single and ND he tended to isolate himself. He never really got involved with them and I think he would have liked a family of his own and was probably a bit envious. I'm glad I didn't take it personally, he died last year.

Fair enough? If you want them. I don't see the issue?

But with respect, why now at 71 would she want baby photos of grown up children in her home? Especially given that she isn’t close to them? Go no contact if you want - but don’t let this be the reason - it’s unreasonable.

This

OP, you sound petty. Do you think PERHAPS that clearing out your mums house made her wonder about her own possessions? And how her house would be cleared out?

Of course she doesn’t want a pile of photos of your kids and of course she would ask if you want them. Did you help clear out your mums house?

She has made a few similar decisions as you but apart from that you have very little contact. I think you’re being a bit of a dick here, and I suspect a backstory.

As much as I love my nieces I wouldn't want my mother's collection of photos, it was a different relationship apart from anything else and I don't have photos of my nieces and nephews out either. She probably thinks that it seems a shame to throw them out without asking you.

Just btw, why doesn't she have her own photos? Didn't you give her any.

But why would she want them OP? I wouldn’t keep someone’s old photos. She’s gibing you the chance to have them as they might be more meaningful to you.

Cut off contact if you want but this seems an odd reason.

Tbh, in her shoes (with regard to the photos) I’d always think that you’d want them more than me, so of course offer them to you. She’s just been a little blunt about it!

She sounds quite sad, really, and a lot of your examples date back decades so she’s been sad for a long time - the direct result of the paranoia of being used, I expect.

Anyway, you don’t see that much of her now, so if you’d feel better seeing even less of her, do that. I think to actively ‘cut off all contact’ would feel harsh, especially at your ages. You may feel a strong remorse if you do that, when she passes and you reflect on what a sad life she led.

They’re your children though? Why should she have to keep them all? She was clearing out your mums house, she’s not obligated to keep all the stuff. I would have thought it was the right thing to offer them to you. I do agree she doesn’t seem that interested in your children, perhaps she’s jealous.
Everything else yanbu but I don’t think I’d cut her off. Maybe go lower contact.

As she is older than you and it sounds like you are her closest relative, maybe she moved to be fairly near to you in case she needs care in the future. That would make her a bit of a user, wouldn’t it?

You must do what you think is right for yourself and your family..

I would respond saying "I will take all of the photographs. Thanks for bringing this to my attention"
Then go through the photos at your leisure and keep the ones you want and shred the ones you don't.
I wouldn't keep in touch with her though.

You’ve lost one sister, don’t lose another. I’d give anything to have my sister back

Maybe she is struggling with dealing with your mum's house? Maybe she is jealous that there are photos of your children there but maybe no photos of herself? It's traumatic for most people when they have to empty their dead mother's home. Is she doing this on her own?

What I was going to say.

It can't be a great hardship to maintain some contact with your sister, @ZiggyZowie , and it may mean more to your sister than you realise.

I'm with the consensus on this one, OP. After all these years and at this age, I wouldn't cut her off for this. Contact between the two of you is low in any case and it would do no harm to maintain things as they are.

Your sister's behaviour tends to suggest someone who is insecure or unhappy.

I think, at your (or more her) time of life, i'd just keep it very limited contact. She hasn't done anything terrible to you to go no contact, so i'd just keep her at a very long arms length, see her when you need to and only reply to messages when you need to.

It sounds to me as though she fears isolation as she gets older. Five miles away isn’t exactly in your pocket. She doesn’t seem to be impinging on your life a great deal.

You obviously feel antipathy towards her, maybe with reason, but unless she’s really upset you I would just leave things as they are.

To be fair did you really expect her to want old baby photos of your kids. ?
This is not a fall out moment to be honest. I'd just reply and tell her yes you do want them and arrange to collect them at some stage.
Maybe it's the backstory that's making you a bit over sensitive .

this suggests that you think, nasty passive behaviour is inherent in autism.

Is there a reason you do not clear out your mum's house together? Why do you refer to her as 'my' mum rather than 'our' mum? Of course she will offer you photos of your own children.

I don't think you like your sister. That may be justified. Collect the photos and maintain low contact. It doesn't sound like you see much of each other anyway.

For the last 40 years my sister lived with mum.
They shared a house and whenever I went round my sister would not lift her head to say hello to me (frightened she'd get asked to babysit).
So when mum died in 2011 she went through belongings ,actually got rid of a lot of stuff, I don't mind that as I don't value things.
Just to say that whenever she talked to me about mum she would say " my mum"
I don't think it was to be hurtful,I just think it was because they lived together for so long.
When I phoned mum up she would say " we are thinking of decorating the front room " as an example, again, because they lived together

Still doesn't validate cutting her off. Relationships are up and down, that's life. If cutting people off was a solution to conflict, no one would be talking to each other.

Babysitting aside, why not get to have a relationship as sisters, especially now that your mum isn't around.

Would you be happy if your kids cut each other off in future? Family is there through thick amd thin. Some need more help and understanding.

It would have been much worse if she threw out the pictures.

She is offering them to you, do you not want them?