Should I Cut Off All Communication

[ZiggyZowie]

I have a sister who I'm not close to. She has copied me in some aspects of my life.
She went and did the same nursery nurse course as me. She got a job as a nanny thereafter like me in the same street ,in same block of flats !!
She would ask where I bought dress I was wearing and go and buy exact same dress. Kind of flattering in a way I guess.
She was very possessive over my mum and I could never see my mum without her being there.
She is now 71 and single. I am 66,and married with 5 kids,all grown up now.
Latest thing, I moved up to Scottish Highlands a while back from Edinburgh.
She has now retired and moved up to a village 5 miles from one I live in .
However I rarely see her, maybe once every 3 months for coffee .
We had a sister older than us in London who has now sadly died. She had one son in the 80s..
When he was born this sister came up to visit us in Edinburgh, My copycat sister commented " oh she'll be using us as babysitters while she goes to all the festival stuff"
I thought what a strange comment as I was looking forward to seeing baby nephew and also sister from London.
But copycat sister just seems to worry about being "used' by people.
As years went by I had my children and stayed at home by choice to look after them. I can count on one hand number of time's sister visited them. However, she kept in contact with several of kids she was a nanny to, has photos of them in her house and their children
But no photos of my kids, her nieces and nephews.
Today was the limit.
I got a text saying this
" I have many photos of your children ,many as babies that mum must have taken "
( mum now deceased)
" I am not keeping them,you can decide if you want them"

It seems very cold and offhand and I just feel like I've had enough of her passive aggressive nature and would like to cut off all contact .
I don't know why she has come up 200 odd miles to live near me.
Also, she is worried about people "using" her as she puts it.
I once said to her ,"everyone uses each other but I prefer to say people "need" each other rather than "use".

AIBU to cut all contact ?

The thing is, Op your Mum and her nanny charges were your sisters life. She could be seen as jealous of you and your other DSis as you both had families/own children. She is the awkward one who never married. There could be a reason for this ND or LGBTQ, not really talked about then. Or just seeing it as her job to look after your Mum as she hadn't found the one. Just be kind and understanding of the loneliness she has felt in her life and be the bigger person to be as supportive as a sister that you can. Don't get upset with her. Just be kind.

Why not just stick to seeing her for coffee every few months? The festival comment about your other sister sounds like a joke you’ve read wrong from 40 years ago.

Well she's an odd one isn't she!

I think if I were you I'd simply reply "Got plenty myself but thanks" and just leave it.

At her advanced age, I would just let the limited contact continue and (as difficult as it may be) hold my tongue if she says blunt things in the future.
I suspect she is a tad jealous of the life you had, the love and the children in your life -a life she did t get to experience.

If you can, be the bigger person, just do so on your own terms.

she is asking you if you want them. Just say yes and ask her to post them.

But is there a reason she was clearing your mum's house alone?

No you shouldn't.

She's 71 and on her own. Nothing you've mentioned sounds all that terrible.

Not to be too head tilty, but are you OK yourself? No contact seems like. Strong overreaction here

how would you feel if she just binned everything she doesn't want to keep from your mum's things - then you go over one day and say "were there any photos?" and she says "nah, i binned them"

You project such a lot on to what you think your sister's motivations are (afraid I'll ask her to babysit) - you clearly don't like her.

Just ask her to put anything aside that she thinks you might want, including photos, and then dispose of everything else how she wants.

You have very little contact anyway, is it really worth going no contact? how would you do that? actually tell her, or just slow down contact?

But wouldn't you rather you had those photographs of your children than her?

Most people aged 71 are not wanting to accumulate lots of things they don't want or need. Especially when clearing out a relatives home, it's a good reminder that all this 'stuff' is often a burden for those who have the responsibility and guilt of throwing it out. Especially because many people live in small homes than their parents these days (especially more likely if you are a single woman which you said your sister was)

I love my nephews and nieces but I don't want a whole load of photos of them as babies, I have a few printed out or a few on my phone. I have no desire for a box load of other people's children, even if I adore them.

She's got more photographs of the children she nannied because she obviously loved them and spend many hours/years either them. It's very harsh to judge her about that.

I'm failing to see what she's done wrong in this instance.

As you aren't in each other lives very much anyway, why does it all bother you so much? It's hard to tell if the back stories justify your animosity towards her, none of them seem that bad to me, but if you feel you've lived in her shadow your whole life then that explains why you feel so resentful.

Was she much closer to your parents? Because you mention she is clearing out their home, but you aren't?
Did you feel your parents didn't treat you both equally and she was the golden child?

Sorry, I'd missed the post about her living with your mum, is that in the house 5 miles away from you?

I say this kindly, but your posts come across as if you are the unhappy, resentful one.

Being a SAHM to 5 is no picnic and your sister has very likely had an 'easier' life than yours, she's had the security and company of living with your mum and it's well known that single women without children are the happiest section of society!

You make it sound like it's worked out really badly for her, but she very likely chose not to settle down and do the whole marriage/children thing, even if it wasn't planned that way, throughout her life she took a series of decisions to end up where she has, just like you did to get where you are.

Neither of you is right or wrong, you just wanted different things and hopefully you are both at peace with what you ended up with.

Are you a medical professional? Diagnosing someone based on few posts is insane

My sister has hardly seen any of my children. She made it clear she would not be a babysitter and consequently hadn't taken part in their lives.
They are now grown up,the youngest is 25 and the eldest is 35.
It hasn't been easy, my youngest two had severe behavioural problems and diagnosed with autism and learning disabilities.
My middle child has aspergers.
My oldest child has been severely ill and totally bedbound for the last 7 years .
To top all that I am carer for my husband who nearly died of encephalitis and was in a coma for weeks. Since his illness in 2010 I have had to try hold everything together,I deal with all paperwork, and do all the driving . He cannot make decisions,his memory and concentration are impacted.
So throughout all these years I have had no support from my sister.
However, I will continue to see her and try and not be bitter. I realise she is probably a bit lonely and so I will try to make an effort.
Thankyou for all your advice

Sorry to hear OP, you have a lot on.

The relationship with your DS is seperate from your immediate family as that's her choice.
She'll have her reasons but doesn't mean to cut her off.
Great that you'll continue to see her and try not to be resentful.

I find when people don't behave the standard normal way, medical reasons aside, they have deep issues and their own way of coping.

I know it's hard when people you expect to help don't, but now you know to keep the two separate.

All the best.

oh OP you have had such a lot on, and still do.

Cut yourself some slack, if you feel up to it, get the photos and then decide yourself what to do with them. If you don't feel up to it - assuming you have plenty of photos of your own, tell her to bin them. And then remain at the same level of contact - or as little contact as you like - and concentrate on yourself.

She's got some photos that she thinks you might like to have. She doesn't want them (fair enough). If you'd like them, let her know and go and get them.
Then consider all the other things that bother you. Most don't seem a big deal to me.

OK, so this comes to resentment towards her that she didn't help you with your kids....

It is sad when a aunt or uncle don't get involved, but ultimately its their choice and loss when they don't develop the precious bonds that can be so worthy as they age.

She never ought you to help you. When you look after kids as your job, its understanding they might not want to it in their relaxing time, especially if they are demanding children. Worse if they never had children themselves and its something they very much would have wanted.

No reason to cut contact at all. You said she hardly sees you.
You need to be more welcoming and kind.
Thank her for the photos as your kids will treasure them.

Go out for a coffee with her once a month. Call in to see her sometimes and have her to a family roast every now and again.

She might be jealous but she doesn't sound like she's much bother at all. She has copied your life plans but has travelled that path on her own, parallel to you. You have the family; she has no one.
I can't see any problem, sorry.

.

You can decide to go no contact with your sister for any reason, or none, but inventing a completely spurious reason to do so will make you look petty.

You're massively overthinking this. I don't keep any photos of my niece's and nephews either. (Or of anyone else really)
The copying is flattery

She's not under your feet. So you go and visit her? Do you invite her to things?

Yes ..this

Yes I invite her to things. When she turned 70 I offered to take her out for a birthday treat as it's a milestone birthday.
She declined and stayed in and did nothing.
Whenever I see her she talks about who is ill or dead/ dying and seems to like the drama of people being ill.

Sounds very much 6 of one and half a dozen of the other here. You say she didn't show in interest in your kids, but it would have also been a bit of a busmans holiday for her- the fact she felt she 'couldn't look up without being asked to babysit.

You just aren't compatible but that doesn't mean you should abandon her. You barely have any contact now. Just keep it at that

That's what some elderly people do unfortunately. Just try and steer the conversation to more jolly topics.