To really hate phone calls

[TwinklyFawn]

I find phone calls really intrusive. I always forget what i want i want to say when i am talking on the phone even if i write down what i want to say first. When i talk to people face to face i have no trouble talking. I prefer texting to phone calls. I can reply later if i am busy.

It is the expectation that i am instantly available to talk that bothers me. I have certain relatives who cannot take the hint that i am not able to talk to them. I am not a fan of making calls either. My relatives would expect me to talk for ages.

I agree with you. Its often so much easier to sort something out with a phone call. I find it really weird that people don't answer phones or doors, although I do think it's a Mumsnet thing - I've never met anyone in real life who won't answer their door or phone.

I prefer phone calls to just about anything else. So much quicker and easier, more personal.

I wouldn't say anxiety as such, but at my work, we have an awful lot of very specialist equipment for which the details are not only product but also use case specific, and as they are safety related info it always has to be double checked. I am one of the more knowledgeable colleagues and I regularly have to look up and cross reference, let alone newer members of staff. I used to give info out over the phone when I knew it (common things that were regularly asked about in the enquiry stage), but after a couple of people have twisted things that I've said, then complained something didn't work for them I now won't, I'll only give them out in writing in response to being sent the info required, so that there is a complete paper trail. I find people who are happy to e-mail the accurate info (most people) are generally the easy to deal with ones who get swift resolutions and the ones who insist on doing business over the phone are chancers trying to get you to slip up or trying to bully you into agreeing to things (they won't manage but it's tiresome)

I think it would be valuable for you to reflect on why you feel this way. You’ve mentioned relatives that want to talk and you don’t want to, so perhaps you need some boundaries in place. Either screen calls and don’t answer or say something like “hello auntie Pat, would love to have a quick chat but I have an appointment in 10 minutes”. I also know a number of people who have anxiety about calls and these people have ASD so is this something that resonates?

I think it’s fine to have a preference for communication and to let people know this where appropriate. You could just let friends and family know and at work you could maybe say something like “I think I’ll be able to give you better advice if you email me with the info and I have time to reflect.” Or ask for face to face meetings.

However. just as you’re entitled to have a preference for whatever reason, so do others and so you’ll need to compromise if you want to keep up good relationships. To give an example, I have a friend who basically only wants to stay in touch via text. She doesn’t make time to meet up or do phone calls. For me that surface level relationship (especially as it’s a change without explanation) isn’t worth it so I’m fading her out.

My relatives fail to take notice of boundaries unfortunately. For example i have told them not to phone me at work unless it is something urgent. Yet they phone for trivial reasons. Yes i do leave the phone and phone them back when i can. However

My partner is like this. The only way around it is to practice is rather than to avoid it. Obviously you shouldn't have to natter away to people on the phone for the sake of it but it really is worth getting confident on the phone for work & life admin purposes.

That’s annoying. I think the thing with boundaries is that you can’t control other people only response. So you could tell them that you can’t answer the phone at work. If there’s an emergency they need to text or leave voicemail. Then you stick to that.

YANU to prefer other methods of communication.

YABU if you allow this to affect your life in any meaningful way because yes, obviously a dislike of phonecalls is irrational.

I do not enjoy talking on the phone and will avoid it if there are equally good alternatives, but I know it's not rational and I also know that avoiding things excessively just exacerbates the problem.

Oddly i am okay with work calls. It is personal calls that i dislike. When i have been at work the last thing i want to do is to talk on the phone. I just want to put my feet up without people phoning to tell me about their cooker.

I think that's fair enough. My partner never ever phones me for a "chat" and I've accepted that about him.

They know that i am unable to answer the phone at work. When i phone back they seem annoyed that i didn't answer their call.

Don't phone back then. You've repeatedly told them you can't answer the phone at work so don't and don't feel guilty about it..Just text at an appropriate time after your shift ends "Hi, noticed you called me while I was working, is everything OK?".
Then you don't have to deal with a shirty tone of voice then :)

This is all down to the internet.

We have become so used to tightly curating our lives, one's lived more and more online, that the idea of an unexpected intrusion, something not 100% on our own terms, terrifies us.

These are the ones who don't answer a doorbell, either, people who regard any challenge upon themselves as causing 'anxiety', thus must be kept at bay at all costs. To date, it has been becoming increasingly possible to live your life in your safe, curated bubble, where 'not answering a phone' becomes a 'reasonable adjustment' at work, and so forth.

However, the long march of history suggests that those who survive and prosper in changing worlds are resilient, curious, open and adaptable. We need to be fostering these qualities.

That's all very well while you are healthy, but when you are unwell and having ongoing appointments or treatment you will find that GP surgeries and hospitals always have withheld numbers.

Yep, same also.

Despite being like a PP and growing up with a landline and it being a central part of my first 'proper' job (having to answer calls from the public about their tax! so not exactly a walk in the park)

@RampantIvy indeed. I work in a (private) clinic where we, due to fast turn around times - especially for NHS patients subcontracted to us, often have to phone people to offer them an appointment 2 days hence. All but nobody will answer an unknown number.

We just return such requests to the NHS so the patient can get their scan in 6 weeks' time in the back of a tatty van in a car park instead of our all singing, all dancing private-facility one, in 2 days' time 🤭

I am quite happy answering the door and talking to people face to face. I occasionally talk to people on the phone it's just not my preferred option in most cases. I'm not in an 'Internet bubble' and it hasn't affected my life particularly.

My job (teacher) involved constant face to face interaction and only occasional phone calls. Since retiring I have had volunteer roles involving personal interaction. It's just the faceless voice on the phone I don't particularly like, I prefer time to think if it's 'business' and never know when to finish or what to say when there's a long pause (talking to my sister). I think I'm old enough to know what I like and able to make choices. I'm not scared of the phone.

Interesting. I get my hospital appointments by NHS app. It works for me.

DH is under different teams (csncer) and he gets appointments via all methods of communication. He often gets a phone call to confirm that he is attending an appointment. This is after a letter has been sent.

I got calls from withheld numbers when i was recovering from a knee injury. It was slightly annoying if i missed a call due to an unavoidable reason as i didn't always get a voicemail. Then i would spend time on the phone to the physio department in order to find out if they had phoned. The physio department would sometimes phone out of the blue.

I will answer the phone but it's not my preferred way of communicating. If I don't have a pen to make notes I'll often forget what's been said. Also in the past my ex has used calls to bully me, as there is nothing written down I can keep as evidence.

I used to work in a call centre and take over 100 calls a day. A few of those would always be what I called 'screamers' - people absolutely fuming, shouting or swearing at you. When I left a weight lifted off me.

I agree.

I hate phone calls too and will avoid them if necessary. I used to answer the phone at work all the time, but I do generally think it's down to these days social media and texting is quicker and faster and we've got into the habit. For myself as well as suffering really bad anxiety, phone calls to me make me think of bad situations. The last time my uncle phoned me a few years ago I knew what he was going to say, my dad passed away. That feeling of dread upon answering the phone, I'll never forget.

I'm happy enough to answer the phone to the school or the doctors for something important, but I will avoid phone calls at all costs because it just feels scary and overwhelming. Text me and I'll reply straight away.

I find the phone ringing stressful. I never answer if the number is not one of my contacts, I never answer during work hours and in the evening I only answer if it's certain people.
Just text me!

I think the stress around it is because there are so many ways of communicating nowadays. Work email, personal email, chat, whatsapp, landline, texts . . . I just can't handle an actual call when I'm spending all day on various bloody comms for work.

Communication overload!