Is it only my relationship this crazy?

[mancity1234]

My DP doesn’t propose and doesn’t want to marry me. When I started this post, I believed it’s about it. But then I realized, I need to know, is it me who is in this crazy relationship or is it common and mine is not that insane?

We’ve been together for almost 1.5 years. I’m in my late 30th, he’s in his early 50th. Both were married before (both divorced 10+ years ago, no children). At the early stage of our relationship he told me he wants children with me and I wanted that with him as well so we tried and it straight away resulted in a chemical pregnancy (a year ago). Then another one, 8 months ago.

At some point I realized we jumped over a few steps and I don’t want to be pregnant without being married (I believed that for him both these things come as a bundle but at some point I realize they don’t, but for me they do).

Since then we had some issues in our relationship. One of them was sex once or twice a month. It was much more frequent before, and it’s not ok for me to have it so rarely. He says it’s due to his health issues but he doesn’t go and see a doctor. He says it’s phycological (whatever that means). Just to clear this out, I believe I’m quite good looking, I never put any weight on or anything like that.

There were lots of other things of course. Recently I found out that he’s a lier and he was in touch (with some very quirky and emotionally cheating messages) with his exes. According to him he has OCD and retroactive jealousy (was a torture for me in our relationship since month 3). Also he’s quite cold in relationship and he’s gaslighting me a lot.

According to him I’m too warm, affectionate, crazy etc. I don’t think it’s true, but it’s my vs his point of view.

Just for the context: I’m from Ukraine (skilled professional, have a very good job in the UK, was always working my ass off etc). He’s British, hard working, had his own business. His net worth is more than mine (I wish it was the other way around). But I’m honestly doing my best.

Atm I’m absolutely devastated. He told me some time ago that he doesn’t want to marry me. But I also know that his point of view changes all the time. On one hand I don’t want to waste my time on someone who doesn’t want a family with me. On the other hand I know that some man say very weird things sometimes and then end up being the best husbands and fathers.

Dear women, how do you deal with all this shit? Is it manageable at all?

And the ultimate question: he doesn’t want to marry (that’s what he says). Should I leave? What do other women do in similar situations and how does it end?

Dear women, how do you deal with all this shit? Is it manageable at all?
He already told you what he’s like, he’ll never change. You’ve only being in this relationship for 1.5 years with so much drama, lack of sex and commitment, now is the time to let this one go, please don’t waste any more minute of your life with him.

Don’t waste any more time on this man. What are you even getting out of this relationship? Why do you so badly want to marry and have children with a man who doesn’t want to marry you? I doubt very much he will magically turn into a wonderful husband and father. He is exactly as you see him. Lacking.

When someone tells you who they are, listen. Stop trying to read between the lines because there’s nothing there.

That's all far too much hard work. Do not have a baby or get otherwise entangled with this man. Dump him.

I understand and agree with what you are saying. But I’m wondering, maybe all relationships are like this? I hear sometimes “don’t be so dramatic, all men are like this” and so on. Honestly? I’m almost 40 and most of the men I met were more or less like this. So my question is: is everyone like that? Or can it be different?

You deal with this shit by leaving. He's a liar and a cheat; why on earth would you want to marry him?

No not all relationships are like this.

He won't change his mind he will always be like that or get worse, it won't get better.

Fuck no. I'm in my 40s and found a man who makes my life easier and much better. Non dramas, no lying.

Having said that, your relationship sounds like a mess from both sides. You got together with your boyfriend just 18 months ago, decided "you wanted children straight away" and have had already 2 pregnancies? You want him to propose after less than 2 years together? It sounds like you want too much too soon with a person you barely know. Why are you doing this? Why have you risked bringing children into a relationship with a virtual stranger?

I don't think you two are suited to one another, to be honest. Both of you sound very immature. You don't seem to hve learned anything from previous experiences.

Uh, none of my relationships have been like this. None of my friends are in relationships like this. It’s not normal. Get out!

No. This is definitely not normal. Or healthy.

This is really unhealthy. I would leave before things get worse.

No, not all relationships are like this.

He doesn't sound like he would make a good father or husband.

@aurynne thank you very much for your reply. Your example sounds great. To be fair, the way you see my situation is not the way I see it. I wouldn’t say “children straight away”. I actually never wanted children and it was more about our relationship dynamic, and me wanting children with him (and vice versa), but I understand why it comes across like this from my message.
As for the proposal, I understand your concern as well. But for me it was due to what we’ve experienced before and the fact that in my world (bubble, preferred world, whatever) children come with marriage. And it’s not even about the marriage itself for me. It’s about the fact that marriage is a much smaller commitment than children from my point of view. I understand that it’s different for everyone though.

Thank you very much, commenters. I can see people voting for “YABU”=You are being unreasonable. I would really appreciate their opinion as well. Because at some point I WILL question my sanity.

Questioning your sanity is one of the sure signs that you're dealing with an abuser. They love getting you confused about whether you're the problem. It's the perfect deflection.

@Tohaveandtohold it does feel manageable when we are going through our good times. Did you ever experience anything like this? When good times are manageable and even nice and bad times are really tough? Honestly, I question myself about how it’s supposed to be.

@LionRumpus you are right. But sometimes I think that I might be an abuser as well. He says we might be in the toxic relationship where it’s my fault as much as his. I don’t think it’s my fault to the extend it’s his, but even if we assume so, of course it will be much better for us to break up.
But. I this case I start thinking about how much I already invested in this relationship and what if others will be like this. That’s why I really need sanity check.

He can't fuck, won't commit and doesn't cope with a woman's emotions.

Drop him today @mancity1234 you are worth so much more.

Dump him stop wasting your time

Having a child just means you have a committment to the child. Marriage is how you commit yourself to another person. He doesn't want to commit to you. If you have a child without being married you will be taking on a huge commitment without any legal protection for yourself.

He doesn't sound like a great person anyway so you should cut your losses and find a better human who wants to commit to you, not just have a child.

@2catsandhappy what do you mean by can’t cope with woman’s emotions? I start thinking that all my emotions are not ok, so I would appreciate your answer.

No, not all relationships are like this. You don't have to be with a man who is significantly older than you, emotionally withdrawn and sexually uninterested. There are other men and other possibilities.

@HollyKnight thank you, that’s exactly what I’m thinking of. I feel like he was trying to take advantage of me and the fact I don’t know and understand UK laws well enough :( Regardless of a child situation it doesn’t look very good. But taking into account I’m almost 40, it’s even worse. So now I start questioning myself: is it this shitty for every woman?

No, it does not have to be that shit. If a relationship is shit, you're better off single. Many women in their 30s and 40s are happy single, enjoying life, friends and freedom without having to put up with a useless man.

I was a bit harsh in my previous comment, however you have been absolutely lovely and open-minded in your reply to me. This indicates to me that you have a kind, introspective nature. You deserve so much better than this man you're with! The different cultures can make relationships harder, but the problems you're describing are not related to his culture. He sounds like a crap partner in any culture.

A good relationship is easy, makes you feel wanted and loved, and does not have a cycle of "very good followed by crap". A good relationshop is good most of the time, especially at the beginning. There are good men out there. If you settle with a not-so-good one, you may be missing out on a much happier life, either by yourself or with a much better man.

Good luck!

No, it really isn't. This is not normal and you should end any relationship like this. Once you've left him you'll realise you're free to meet someone 1000x better who'll make you feel good and not question yourself. In your late 30s you still have fertile years left but do not waste them on this man!! All the more reason to get out sooner rather than later xx