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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it only my relationship this crazy?

54 replies

mancity1234 · 13/01/2025 02:08

My DP doesn’t propose and doesn’t want to marry me. When I started this post, I believed it’s about it. But then I realized, I need to know, is it me who is in this crazy relationship or is it common and mine is not that insane?

We’ve been together for almost 1.5 years. I’m in my late 30th, he’s in his early 50th. Both were married before (both divorced 10+ years ago, no children). At the early stage of our relationship he told me he wants children with me and I wanted that with him as well so we tried and it straight away resulted in a chemical pregnancy (a year ago). Then another one, 8 months ago.

At some point I realized we jumped over a few steps and I don’t want to be pregnant without being married (I believed that for him both these things come as a bundle but at some point I realize they don’t, but for me they do).

Since then we had some issues in our relationship. One of them was sex once or twice a month. It was much more frequent before, and it’s not ok for me to have it so rarely. He says it’s due to his health issues but he doesn’t go and see a doctor. He says it’s phycological (whatever that means). Just to clear this out, I believe I’m quite good looking, I never put any weight on or anything like that.

There were lots of other things of course. Recently I found out that he’s a lier and he was in touch (with some very quirky and emotionally cheating messages) with his exes. According to him he has OCD and retroactive jealousy (was a torture for me in our relationship since month 3). Also he’s quite cold in relationship and he’s gaslighting me a lot.

According to him I’m too warm, affectionate, crazy etc. I don’t think it’s true, but it’s my vs his point of view.

Just for the context: I’m from Ukraine (skilled professional, have a very good job in the UK, was always working my ass off etc). He’s British, hard working, had his own business. His net worth is more than mine (I wish it was the other way around). But I’m honestly doing my best.

Atm I’m absolutely devastated. He told me some time ago that he doesn’t want to marry me. But I also know that his point of view changes all the time. On one hand I don’t want to waste my time on someone who doesn’t want a family with me. On the other hand I know that some man say very weird things sometimes and then end up being the best husbands and fathers.

Dear women, how do you deal with all this shit? Is it manageable at all?

And the ultimate question: he doesn’t want to marry (that’s what he says). Should I leave? What do other women do in similar situations and how does it end?

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 13/01/2025 03:47

mancity1234 · 13/01/2025 03:23

@HollyKnight thank you, that’s exactly what I’m thinking of. I feel like he was trying to take advantage of me and the fact I don’t know and understand UK laws well enough :( Regardless of a child situation it doesn’t look very good. But taking into account I’m almost 40, it’s even worse. So now I start questioning myself: is it this shitty for every woman?

No, it's not like that for everyone. The best thing you can do is realise that you can be happy without children. That way if you don't find a good man in time you will still be happy, which is much better than having a child with a shit man and living a miserable life which is what a lot of women do. You don't want a child to be the only good thing in your life because they won't be with you forever. So hold out for a good partner who you will be happy to spend the rest of your life with.

LionRumpus · 13/01/2025 03:59

mancity1234 · 13/01/2025 03:06

@LionRumpus you are right. But sometimes I think that I might be an abuser as well. He says we might be in the toxic relationship where it’s my fault as much as his. I don’t think it’s my fault to the extend it’s his, but even if we assume so, of course it will be much better for us to break up.
But. I this case I start thinking about how much I already invested in this relationship and what if others will be like this. That’s why I really need sanity check.

Do you think you're an abuser or does he think you're an abuser?

It sounds like something he's put to you to make you doubt yourself.

How about this question - you've already answered it to some extent - would he react much more extremely over the exact same alleged wrongdoing? In other words, is he much more generous with himself about what he's allowed to get away with?

JayJayj · 13/01/2025 04:15

I think the people voting YABU are not saying the relationship is normal more that you are unreasonable in staying. Trying to get pregnant twice so early is crazy you don’t even know each other.

Also he is in his 50’s so yeah won’t be in peak fitness compared to a 30 year old.

Relationships shouldn’t be that hard, especially new ones. If he doesn’t want to get married and you do leave.

justjuggling · 13/01/2025 04:16

Sounds like a lot of hard work and drama for an 18 month relationship with a man you know doesn’t plan to propose/marry you. I’d get out now.

ChicLilacSeal · 13/01/2025 04:22

mancity1234 · 13/01/2025 02:23

I understand and agree with what you are saying. But I’m wondering, maybe all relationships are like this? I hear sometimes “don’t be so dramatic, all men are like this” and so on. Honestly? I’m almost 40 and most of the men I met were more or less like this. So my question is: is everyone like that? Or can it be different?

Edited

Yes, it can be different. You get what you accept.

It's better to be single than to live in a bad relationship. Don't stay with him because you want children. Maybe look into freezing some eggs? I know it's expensive, but sometimes you can offset some of the cost by donating your own eggs. Or arrange a payment plan. Or try to raise money on GoFundMe. Or get a loan. Or a second job. Just find a way to make it happen. It's better than letting crappy men rob you of the chance to have a family, and it would buy you some more time.

Your man makes you miserable, so get rid. It's quite simple, really.

2catsandhappy · 13/01/2025 06:13

He says you are too warm and affectionate @mancity1234 Women are often seen to be the carers and nurturers of the sexes. You say he is cold. He does sound odd.
You don't sound compatible, if he wants to act single and unfeeling and you are warm and affectionate there is no middle ground.
He is not making you happy and I doubt he ever will.

MoveToParis · 13/01/2025 06:33

mancity1234 · 13/01/2025 02:23

I understand and agree with what you are saying. But I’m wondering, maybe all relationships are like this? I hear sometimes “don’t be so dramatic, all men are like this” and so on. Honestly? I’m almost 40 and most of the men I met were more or less like this. So my question is: is everyone like that? Or can it be different?

Edited

No, everyone does not have a relationship like this.
Some are calm, loving, respectful.

It can be different- but not with him.

MoveToParis · 13/01/2025 06:35

mancity1234 · 13/01/2025 02:50

Thank you very much, commenters. I can see people voting for “YABU”=You are being unreasonable. I would really appreciate their opinion as well. Because at some point I WILL question my sanity.

I voted YABU, by which I meant “YABU to waste even one more day with this absolute loser. You would be happier being single. He has a net negative impact on your life.”

Catza · 13/01/2025 08:57

mancity1234 · 13/01/2025 02:23

I understand and agree with what you are saying. But I’m wondering, maybe all relationships are like this? I hear sometimes “don’t be so dramatic, all men are like this” and so on. Honestly? I’m almost 40 and most of the men I met were more or less like this. So my question is: is everyone like that? Or can it be different?

Edited

You really have to let go of the Slavic misconceptions about men. We've had the good old "he hits you because he loves you" shit drilled into our heads from infancy and, do you really believe it? Of course he is not going to change. He is not going to marry you (and, for once, he was honest with you here). You are not a rehabilitation center for broken men. Just leave and find someone who is decent.

Daisyvodka · 13/01/2025 09:02

The only people who will say all men are like this are also in shit relationships.
Do you think it is okay, to give a baby a father who treats you like this? Do you think that's fair on the child? You owe it to any baby to make sure they have the best dad possible, who will treat them well and model a loving healthy relationship, and this man is already showing you he cannot do this.

healthybychristmas · 13/01/2025 09:05

You want to know why a lying cheat who is much older than you doesn't want to marry you? Why are you wasting your time even thinking about this? You should be putting on your shoes and running as far away from him as possible.

This is not a man that you should marry. He's not a man that anyone should marry!

You sound great but honestly, you can do so much better than him.

Mischance · 13/01/2025 09:07

And you want him to propose so you can shackle yourself to him for life .........?

Kneejerkreaction778 · 13/01/2025 09:18

Come on op. You are clearly an intelligent and capable woman. You know what you have to do.

I’m so sorry this relationship hasn’t worked out but you didn’t know this man well enough before getting together and trying for a family with him.

Love is not enough sometimes. Timing also has to be right. You and your dp are at different life stages. And he is untrustworthy. He lied to you. The sooner you end it, the sooner you can move on.

What is holding you back op? This man offers you a little security maybe? You have a good job and are a skilled professional. You can go it alone no problem!

I had children at 38 and 40 years. It’s not too late. But you need the right person who is safe, honest and reliable.

The sooner you accept that this relationship is over and is no good for you, the sooner you can move on!

And definitely no. All men are not like this. My dh is kind, calm, steady and supportive. We still have fun but it’s all based on a foundation of solid trust.

Frostine · 13/01/2025 09:20

When you first get with someone you are both on your best behaviour . You want this person to see all your best bits . To want to attract them .

If someone has issues , and is not a nice person , they can have a false ' best persona ' , it's an act to draw you in . Trouble is , that halo they've put above their head , falls away , and they show you their true self eventually.

His halo has slipped , and you have the real him .
It sounds like you are way nicer than him , he promised you a future that was a lie .

Believe him now , dump him , and find someone who deserves you and wants the same as you .

Newbie887 · 13/01/2025 09:40

most people I know are in relationships with people who are their best friend. They are a team together. Myself included. This man has spelt out to you who he is and what he wants for the future, and it turns out you aren’t both on the same team. It’s only been 1.5 years, you need to run for the hills.

I understand you may be wanting to try and make the relationship work so you can have a family before it’s too late. Realistically, you’ve got another 7 years or so to find someone else who is aligned to you to have a child with. It can definitely happen. Honestly you DO NOT want to be raising a child with someone you are incompatible with as the stress of it amplifies any problems there already were and your relationship won’t survive it anyway. Then you’re in the mess of being separated but having a child together, so you are never actually free of each other completely…it’s just not worth it.

If you want a child and don’t find yourself in a relationship strong enough to have one, then go to a sperm donor. I’m serious. I would 100 x prefer to be a single parent raising my child in the way I want to raise them without any strings attached to a man who is a disaster like the one you are describing above! If you have children with this man your relationship won’t survive it and you will be a single parent anyway.

I would ditch this guy and think very carefully about what you want from life and how to achieve it on your own. Then any future relationships that turn out to be amazing are a bonus which will make everything easier

TetHouse · 13/01/2025 09:48

mancity1234 · 13/01/2025 02:23

I understand and agree with what you are saying. But I’m wondering, maybe all relationships are like this? I hear sometimes “don’t be so dramatic, all men are like this” and so on. Honestly? I’m almost 40 and most of the men I met were more or less like this. So my question is: is everyone like that? Or can it be different?

Edited

People who say ‘all men are like this’ are attempting to normalise the fact that they’ve picked a dud, who’s unable to see dirt, commit, has a porn problem etc etc.

Move on.

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 13/01/2025 09:52

So now I start questioning myself: is it this shitty for every woman?

No. It's not.
A relationship is supposed to make your life easier and happier.

If he wanted to marry you, he would. He's told you who he is and it's now up to you whether you choose to listen to him.

InkHeart2024 · 13/01/2025 09:52

mancity1234 · 13/01/2025 03:23

@HollyKnight thank you, that’s exactly what I’m thinking of. I feel like he was trying to take advantage of me and the fact I don’t know and understand UK laws well enough :( Regardless of a child situation it doesn’t look very good. But taking into account I’m almost 40, it’s even worse. So now I start questioning myself: is it this shitty for every woman?

No!! It absolutely isn't. And if it were, it's better to be alone than in this shit.

Mabelface · 13/01/2025 10:01

A relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not detract from it. He's definitely not enhancing yours, and he's not nice to you. You can do better. This is not what relationships should be like.

Chocolately · 13/01/2025 10:05

This is not how most romances go. And I use the old fashioned word romances because after 1.5 years it should still feel romantic. Happy, lots of sex, laughter and good times. Bin him off today, he is not worth your time. There are very much better men out there.

Crapdoor · 13/01/2025 10:35

Cons:

  1. Doesn't want to get married
  2. Lies
  3. Has cheated emotionally
  4. Cold
  5. Mismatched sex drives, which won't get better (as he isn't doing anything to fix it)
  6. Gaslights you
  7. Cold
  8. Retroactively jealous aka possessive and controlling
  9. Ocd (sounds like an excuse but even if he truly has ocd it is hard to live with)

Pros:

This is just from your op..You can fill in the items in the pro list. I couldn't find anything. For me each of the things in the cons list would be enough to leave this relationship no matter what redeeming factors he might have.

nutbrownhare15 · 13/01/2025 10:49

Even if it was this shitty for every women in a relationship with a man (it isn't) - this is YOUR life. Why would you want any of it to be shitty. This does not sound like a relationship you want to be in if you want to have a happy life. Being single is always better than being in a shitty relationship.

MarkingBad · 13/01/2025 13:54

mancity1234 · 13/01/2025 02:58

@Tohaveandtohold it does feel manageable when we are going through our good times. Did you ever experience anything like this? When good times are manageable and even nice and bad times are really tough? Honestly, I question myself about how it’s supposed to be.

The good times are never good enough to take the bad times in a relationship like this.

He's told you he doesn't like the way you are even though there is nothing wrong with you being warm. He's also telling you he doesn't want to marry. Believe him, he is telling you how he thinks and feels about you in these circumstances and it's not love he feels for you.

TeabySea · 13/01/2025 14:25

mancity1234 · 13/01/2025 03:23

@HollyKnight thank you, that’s exactly what I’m thinking of. I feel like he was trying to take advantage of me and the fact I don’t know and understand UK laws well enough :( Regardless of a child situation it doesn’t look very good. But taking into account I’m almost 40, it’s even worse. So now I start questioning myself: is it this shitty for every woman?

No it is not this shitty for every woman. My DH and his siblings would never treat a loved one like this, and nor would anyone I know.
He's shown you who he is, and you won't be able to change that. He's only maintaining some 'nice' to keep you.
You can do better, even if it's being single and using a sperm donor.

Original poster
mancity1234 · 19/01/2025 19:53

Update from me: today he somehow saw this thread (he is reading mumsnet which is good for him I hope). As you can guess, he wasn’t happy.

First of all I want to thank you all very much for your replies, it did help me to understand that I’m not insane thinking that all this is not ok and I don’t want to live like this taking into account that he doesn’t take any accountability for his actions and we have different goals in life and apparently are incompatible.

We broke up 4 days ago, 2 days after I started this thread. He said that I should tell you all that he did lots of great things for me. Which is absolutely true. We went on nice holidays, he did lots of nice things for me etc. I think he took it as a personal attack, but obviously my post was not intended like that. I’m in lots of distress and am trying to bring myself to a point where I will start healing from this relationship (I don’t want to call them abusive, but that’s how it feels).

I read mumsnet and know that sometimes threads don’t get update by the topic starter, so just wanted to say massive thank you for the support and let you know how it went and ended.

Many of you mentioned importance of having a right strong foundation before having children and I agree with it. I spoke to one of my friends (I didn’t tell her anything about TTC), and she told me about her conversations about children with her husband. We are the same age. And the way she described it made me remember who I am and what are actually my desires in life. They don’t have children yet and she said that recently they’ve made an investment commitment, but before that she brought up the topic “if we do this we won’t be able to afford children in the next couple of years”. So they discussed it and agreed that they both are not ready to have them right now. And if they are in the future and they can’t, they will adopt. Or will just live their life together. It reminded me that for me it was always about building the right relationship or being in a right place first. I do want healthy committed relationship without crazy drama. If children come after that - great. But I will be ok if not. I think these relationship messed up my head and made me slowly drift away from my real self. Now im slowly going back to it.

OP posts: