Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling a little uneasy after todays event

69 replies

iCantStoppp · 11/01/2025 17:46

Had an event today for husbands extended family. Haven’t spoken to sil for over 5 years since she made nasty comments about my child. She’s always been like this but I’ve tried to be the bigger person but I wasn’t putting up with it once it involved my child. DH as usual wanted to keep peace and told me that’s just how she is and he will never back me up or question her. He’s a bit of a coward and just never confronts anyone.

anyways I was at the event and didn’t know she would be attending I saw her hugging everyone etc.

towards the end her husband said hello to me and I had friendly chit chat with him. Haven’t seen him for same amount of time. He was okay just civil. I left the event without saying hello to her. I feel a little uneasy as I often second guess myself. DH asked if we spoke and I said no. She did kind of ignore me as she came to our table and hugged everyone but ignored me and the kids. Should I have at least said hello to her first? Or was it her responsibility as she’s the one who caused the argument? What would you guys have done? I’m thinking I should have said hello to her first then maybe the ice would have broken. DH is looking glum and I’m feeling for his sake I should have tried. I probably won’t see her at an event for another few years so this was an opportunity missed to make amends.

even when we were “friendly” in the beginning she never really bothered with me. She always has an angry face on her.

OP posts:
Original poster
iCantStoppp · 11/01/2025 17:57

Thank you for the votes. It’s 50:50 right now! Can anyone give me advice pls I feel like I’m spiralling with my thinking.

OP posts:
Dotto · 11/01/2025 17:59

Can you please tell us what you want your AIBU to be, as there are a lot of questions in your OP so it's not easy to vote

Original poster
iCantStoppp · 11/01/2025 18:00

Sorry: YANBU: you were right to ignore. YABU: you should have said hello and tried to make amends for DH’s sake

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 11/01/2025 18:01

My brother's wife doesn't speak to me. I have known her for 40 years and she just kind of acts like I'm not there. I only see her a couple of times a year and we just sit at the table in a restaurant and she makes zero effort to talk to me. I always speak to her and she answers but she doesn't initiate anything. I really don't understand what I did or if I even did anything - she is only interested in her own family and barely knows me. And I guess she isn't used to making conversation unless she has something to say.

Anyway I don't feel good about it either. Sympathies.

Dotto · 11/01/2025 18:01

I would have done the same as you btw. It's not your fault your DH has a face on his face. He should have had the guts to stick up for your child and stand up to his horrible sister years ago.

VirginiaGirl · 11/01/2025 18:01

I wouldn’t speak to anyone that said something nasty about my child ever again. Shame on her.

How can your dh be okay with her after she said whatever things she said?

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 11/01/2025 18:02

Well personally I never allow my standards of civil behaviour to be influenced by the rude and nasty. So I would have said hello in a polite breezy way.

You can choose not to have a close relationship with someone who makes nasty comments, you can make sure you don’t share personal info with them etc.

You don’t have to be best buddies with someone or even like them to maintain your own standard of manners.

ThinWomansBrain · 11/01/2025 18:03

In your place I'd have probably said hello, especially as you had a conversation with her partner - but equally she could just have easily said hello herself, particularly given that she made a showy/huggy hello to everyone else, so neither of you is in the wrong.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 11/01/2025 18:05

DH as usual wanted to keep peace and told me that’s just how she is and he will never back me up or question her.

This is your issue right here. You've got a husband problem.

WillimNot · 11/01/2025 18:09

Your husband and actively told you you and worse your children aren't important enough for him to back you all up.

Your problem isn't his bitch of a sister, it's him

You have a husband problem. That would be a huge deal breaker, that my husband would back his sister, an adult, over our children.

About time you told him to leave.

As for the sister in law, I have three of them, just ignore, don't even bother with her.

Rhaidimiddim · 11/01/2025 18:10

I get fed up reading about these DHs who just want to " keep the peace". Meaning, they just want their wife to suck it up so they don't have to get into it with the family bully.

Your SIL attended, joined in and was pleasant to general company. She just didn't seek you out.

You attended, joined in and were pleasant to general company. You just didn't seek her out.

Your DH is being a clown. He won't stand up for you or your child "because that's how she is" but then pulls a face when you and she find a way to make the situation work. Without any drama.

Just tell him "this is how it is because that's how she is". The stupid fool, wishing for something that is never gonna happen.
Typo edits

Endofyear · 11/01/2025 18:11

I think your DH has got a bloody cheek if he thinks you're the one who should make the effort with his sister if he's too drippy to stand up for you and your child! They are his family and his problem, you've done nothing wrong. You won't see her again for years so just put it out of your mind now - she's not worth the headspace!

DysmalRadius · 11/01/2025 18:14

Did your husband know she was going to be there? Did he speak to her? Why are you responsible for making peace esp at his family's event - surely it's better to leave well enough alone rather than risk another confrontation? YANBU!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/01/2025 18:18

Sorry but that is just so drippy, OP. Your sister in law said something about your child and you didn't take that up with her? Why do you need your husband to say something when you didn't bother either? He 'kept the peace' because you did. A civil but definite retort would have sorted this out.

As for ignoring, well that can't be pleasant for anybody around the two of you. It's not ok that this happens in a family and yes, your husband should back you up and also have had a conversation with his sister about it but, where was your sticking up for your child?

As for all the 'I would leave him' posts, what a joke. You wouldn't based on the example the OP has given, not unless you were an idiot, so stop provoking the OP for your own drama.

martinisforeveryone · 11/01/2025 18:23

I don't think it's a voting issue actually. She clearly doesn't want to engage so I wouldn't give her any headspace. I have no time for excusing people because it's 'just how she is'

You were polite to her other half, so you did your bit and so did he.

LadyTable · 11/01/2025 18:27

If you've written the OP completely truthfully then everything's all her fault anyway and you're pretty blameless.

So obviously YANBU.

If your DH thinks YABU, then perhaps he knows a bit more than us?

LurkyMcLurkinson · 11/01/2025 18:28

I certainly wouldn’t be making an effort with anyone who actively ignored my children after a falling out over her being unkind about my child.

setmestraightplease · 11/01/2025 18:31

@iCantStoppp She did kind of ignore me as she came to our table and hugged everyone but ignored me and the kids. Should I have at least said hello to her first?

Er.............no! She knew exactly what she was doing.

Or was it her responsibility as she’s the one who caused the argument?

Did you make it clear at the time that your SIL's comments were nasty and unacceptable? - I'm not excusing her behaviour at, but I am saying this because some people don't actually realise they've been obnoxious (don't know how 😳but sometimes it's a fact of life)

What would you guys have done? I’m thinking I should have said hello to her first then maybe the ice would have broken.
TBH, just trust your gut!
If she's never noticed why things have been a 'bit off' between you and asked if she's said anything to upset you / if everything's okay between you, then she's just not bothered.

Don't play her game, because you won't win against someone who just doesn't give a fuck what you think.

DH is looking glum and I’m feeling for his sake I should have tried .......

So, let's reverse this...............

YOU are looking glum? - shouldn't HE have tried a bit harder to back you up instead of wanting to keep the peace??
.............. that's the option that's easier for him! - it doesn't make it easier for you ( or your child)

I probably won’t see her at an event for another few years so this was an opportunity missed to make amends
a. count it as a win that you won't see her for another few years 😊
b. how can you make amends for something that SHE'S said??

It seems like you're feeling guilty about something that SHE's done ....... don't!

even when we were “friendly” in the beginning she never really bothered with me. She always has an angry face on her.

You've summed it up perfectly! :)

Trust. Your. Instinct.
And then show your DH this thread and ask for his thoughts ................ ? x

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 11/01/2025 18:31

Let your DH look glum, he was happy enough for you to feel upset when your SIL was rude about your DC.

Iloveyoubut · 11/01/2025 18:35

If sil is a genuine asshole who was nasty about your children then you have a husband problem. Don’t speak to someone who was nasty to you about your kids. Why would you? To keep the peace? Who’s peace? It’s certainly not your peace. If your partner isn’t disgusted by her behaviour if she was nasty towards your children then that’s very problematic. She wasn’t interested in keeping the peace when she was an arse so that was her choice.

LegoBingo · 11/01/2025 18:35

If she approached your table to say hello she should have put out the olive branch and said hello first

CandyCane457 · 11/01/2025 18:37

I wouldn’t bother with her. If you can go 5 years without speaking, wouldn’t worry about it now.
In that 5 years, has your husband seen and spoke to her? Does he go and visit without you? Or has he not spoken to her either?

I think today if she’d come and said hi to you and tried to be friendly/civil and you’d ignored her, that could be more of a problem as it could be seen that she was trying to send an olive branch and you rejected, but the fact she didn’t bother with you/totally ignored you when she came to your table says to me it’s fine to just leave it there.

Lilactimes · 11/01/2025 18:39

I would try and forget about it now and have a nice evening. You can’t do anything about it, you spoke civilly to her husband and you prob won’t see her again for a while. Next time she’s around you can choose to behave differently if you want to - but there’s nothing you can do now.
Try not to waste a precious Sat night by worrying about something you can’t change x

dapsnotplimsolls · 11/01/2025 18:42

She approached the table, it was up to her to say something. Does your DH still have contact with her?

pimplebum · 11/01/2025 18:43

What sort of aunty ignores her niece/ nephew! So horrible the kids have done nothing !
I would have been the bigger person and greeted her in front of the kids to role model good behaviour but then kept my distance

what did she say about your kids ???