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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling a little uneasy after todays event

69 replies

iCantStoppp · 11/01/2025 17:46

Had an event today for husbands extended family. Haven’t spoken to sil for over 5 years since she made nasty comments about my child. She’s always been like this but I’ve tried to be the bigger person but I wasn’t putting up with it once it involved my child. DH as usual wanted to keep peace and told me that’s just how she is and he will never back me up or question her. He’s a bit of a coward and just never confronts anyone.

anyways I was at the event and didn’t know she would be attending I saw her hugging everyone etc.

towards the end her husband said hello to me and I had friendly chit chat with him. Haven’t seen him for same amount of time. He was okay just civil. I left the event without saying hello to her. I feel a little uneasy as I often second guess myself. DH asked if we spoke and I said no. She did kind of ignore me as she came to our table and hugged everyone but ignored me and the kids. Should I have at least said hello to her first? Or was it her responsibility as she’s the one who caused the argument? What would you guys have done? I’m thinking I should have said hello to her first then maybe the ice would have broken. DH is looking glum and I’m feeling for his sake I should have tried. I probably won’t see her at an event for another few years so this was an opportunity missed to make amends.

even when we were “friendly” in the beginning she never really bothered with me. She always has an angry face on her.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 11/01/2025 18:43

She hugged everyone on the table apart from you and your children. YANBU here. She ignored her nieces/nephews, and very blatantly by coming to the table you were all sat on. Even if the children weren't there I would say it's not all on you to be the one to open up a conversation but ignoring the children just makes it a lot worse.

Original poster
iCantStoppp · 11/01/2025 18:46

At the time I did speak to her and she gaslight me and said she never said that. DH was present and could easily have said she did actually utter those words but he didn’t and mil sided with her daughter and said she would never have said that. I was angry with mil but I also see that’s it’s her daughter first so totally understood. I never fell out with mil over this but just didn’t speak to sil. DH still sees her when she visits her mum but I do t go when I know she’s going around. I did write a thread on it at the time! I don’t want to gget into that now but I did get good advice at the time that I need to avoid her especially as she’s the golden child who can do no wrong in her families eyes

OP posts:
SnakesAndArrows · 11/01/2025 18:47

It’s impossible to say. It all depends on what she said and why.

She could have said something hideously racist or ableist, or something like that, in which case YANBU and have a DH problem.

She could have said something thoughtless but minor that is more of a misunderstanding that has been blown out of proportion by one or both of you. I In which case, depending on who has refused to get off their high horse, either or both of you could be BU.

Or she may have said something justifiable about some unacceptable behaviour and you are the problem.

Original poster
iCantStoppp · 11/01/2025 18:48

When DH and kids have gone around the times she visits her mum she does talk to the kids because I ask the eldest and she tells me aunty played cards with her. But today she didn’t acknowledge them

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 11/01/2025 18:48

I would have done as you did. If she makes no effort I wouldnt

I would also be telling my husband to stop feeling glum about it. He should be defending you as his family to his sister and if he’s not prepared to do that it’s his issue not yours

Beautifulweeds · 11/01/2025 18:49

Yanbu

Blogswife · 11/01/2025 18:52

I wouldn’t have spoken to her first . If she’d spoken to me I would have been civil but she didn’t , which indicates she’s not interested in a relationship with you
Don’t give it another thought . Sounds like you’re better off without her in your life . If DH feels so strongly about it then maybe he should speak to his DS .

thepariscrimefiles · 11/01/2025 19:05

Dotto · 11/01/2025 18:01

I would have done the same as you btw. It's not your fault your DH has a face on his face. He should have had the guts to stick up for your child and stand up to his horrible sister years ago.

I agree. Surely your DH was upset when his sister said something awful about your child?

AngelicKaty · 11/01/2025 19:09

@iCantStoppp I haven't voted because I don't know what you've classed as YABU and YANBU (your original post doesn't say) and I don't want to skew your result (although it's possible other people have).
I would have done exactly as you did - no need to second-guess yourself. SIL came to your table and acknowledged everyone but you and your DC so it was her behaviour that dictated the tone of the meeting. Even if she'd given you a cool "hello", you could have responded in kind (or whatever manner you chose) but she blanked you. She was ignorant and encouraged no interaction whatsoever and your DH needs to understand this.
Question: if SIL was unkind about your children (the genesis of your falling out) and your DH was there to witness it, why doesn't he speak up for you? I'd be livid about him not backing me up that SIL did use certain words.

AngelicKaty · 11/01/2025 19:11

iCantStoppp · 11/01/2025 18:00

Sorry: YANBU: you were right to ignore. YABU: you should have said hello and tried to make amends for DH’s sake

Sorry, just seen this - I've now voted YANBU. 😂

OhcantthInkofaname · 11/01/2025 19:16

Does your DH like his sister more than his children? 😶

FoxInTheForest · 11/01/2025 19:16

On top of the original issue she then ignored your kids, no way I'd have tried to make amends. She's obviously not sorry and won't change.

AngelicKaty · 11/01/2025 19:20

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

"Your sister in law said something about your child and you didn't take that up with her? Why do you need your husband to say something when you didn't bother either? He 'kept the peace' because you did. A civil but definite retort would have sorted this out."

OP wrote in her OP: "Haven’t spoken to sil for over 5 years since she made nasty comments about my child. She’s always been like this but I’ve tried to be the bigger person but I wasn’t putting up with it once it involved my child." The fact that they actively fell out at this point suggests OP did say something to SIL (but maybe it wasn't "civil"? 😂)

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 11/01/2025 19:24

I think you were right not to speak to someone who actively ignored your children.

I have a sibling who treated another (vulnerable) sibling in a really cruel manner. I raised it. Been blanked ever since. Sibling's DP has been served in a local shop by one of my DC twice recently, and gets blanked as well.

Shitting on me is one thing. Shitting on my children I will not have.

diddl · 11/01/2025 19:28

"That's just how she is"

What, someone who makes nasty comments about her niece/nephew?

And their father thinks you should play nice with her?

So he agrees with what she said???

AngelicKaty · 11/01/2025 19:29

AngelicKaty · 11/01/2025 19:20

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

"Your sister in law said something about your child and you didn't take that up with her? Why do you need your husband to say something when you didn't bother either? He 'kept the peace' because you did. A civil but definite retort would have sorted this out."

OP wrote in her OP: "Haven’t spoken to sil for over 5 years since she made nasty comments about my child. She’s always been like this but I’ve tried to be the bigger person but I wasn’t putting up with it once it involved my child." The fact that they actively fell out at this point suggests OP did say something to SIL (but maybe it wasn't "civil"? 😂)

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
In fact, I've just read in OP's 18:46 post: "At the time I did speak to her and she gaslight me and said she never said that" so OP did call out her SIL at the time.

ListenDontJudge · 11/01/2025 19:29

It's fine. You spoke to her husband and she was horrible about your child.

FoolishHips · 11/01/2025 19:31

You can't really say hello to someone if they don't make eye contact. You'd sort of have to shout 'Oh hello Laura' and it would sound like you were being snarky.

Plump82 · 11/01/2025 19:32

Youre lucky you were able to ignore her. I'm having to social with my SIL who we also haven't spoke to in 5 years but unfortunately won't have the chance to avoid.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/01/2025 19:33

AngelicKaty · 11/01/2025 19:20

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

"Your sister in law said something about your child and you didn't take that up with her? Why do you need your husband to say something when you didn't bother either? He 'kept the peace' because you did. A civil but definite retort would have sorted this out."

OP wrote in her OP: "Haven’t spoken to sil for over 5 years since she made nasty comments about my child. She’s always been like this but I’ve tried to be the bigger person but I wasn’t putting up with it once it involved my child." The fact that they actively fell out at this point suggests OP did say something to SIL (but maybe it wasn't "civil"? 😂)

Maybe? But OP didn't clarify either way.

I can't imagine being with my sister in law and listening to her saying something nasty to one of my children and not pulling her up on it? Likewise, if I'd said something she didn't like, I would expect her to say something?

I don't understand why some women are so dumbstruck around family members that they can't fight for their own children, why they need constant 'knight in shining armour' behaviour from - let's face it - their ineffective husbands?

Still, OP hasn't seen her in laws for 5 years. Sister in law is fine with OP's husband and children so I would see that as a win - send husband and children off to in-laws - and put my feet up at home. That is a solution.

Oldraver · 11/01/2025 19:33

Your spineless twat of a husband doesn't get to 'look glum' if he hasn't got your back

bradypuss · 11/01/2025 19:34

I haven't voted because I think you should have said hello and been civil but not do anything for the sake of your husband or the sake of anything.

PierceMorgansChin · 11/01/2025 19:40

Oldraver · 11/01/2025 19:33

Your spineless twat of a husband doesn't get to 'look glum' if he hasn't got your back

Yup. What a spineless melt.

ShodAndShadySenators · 11/01/2025 19:43

If she's not paying you any rent, don't give her space in your head.

Anyone who criticised or said something cruel about my child in my hearing would be dead to me. I wouldn't bother with them any more unless they apologised sincerely.

TempestTost · 11/01/2025 19:45

Iink you are probably right that saying hello would have been a good idea. It's not a disaster that you didn't, though! She didn't either, after all.

I agree with a pp, it's not necessary to be best buds, and your dh is probably right, she isn't going to change fundamentally.

But it keeps family events smooth if you can be civil, for you and others. You don't gain anything by standing on principles on this and not talking to her. nor do your kids.

I would also say, on a more personal note, that one side of my family in my parents generation is full of people who have petty spats and won't talk. It's horrible for those of us who are younger, mainly we are all cousins, who can't get together for family events without them all being stupid and awkward. We all would like to see each other and our aunts and uncles at holidays and weddings and so forth, but it's pretty much impossible. Because they can't even be civil.