I'm so depressed and hate my life

[Cindybeale]

I'm a lone mother with no family other a disabled mum who spends her days abusing me. To boot my daughter is 13, hates me and we can't seem
to have 5 minutes without her screaming and being horrible. She just pushes me away and to be honest makes me feel like a piece of shit. I end up being shouted at so much I lose it and walk away so she's on her own and I am. I don't know which way to turn anymore I feel like iv given up my life to be a mum as iv got no one else and work and don't go out so I can be her taxi.
I don't ask for a lot back but we can't have 5 minutes without her being horrible.

I'm really at my lowest ebb with it all

I really feel for you as I have a daughter that absolutely hates me. Literally tells me multiple times a day. Each day is a struggle and it's so upsetting at times and I really feel like I can't cope. I just keep telling myself that it won't last forever and it will in time get easier. Is there anything you can do like hobbies for book club locally just to give you a break and a bit of time away

I feel like I can't as I'm always on call or working. I can't leave her alone for long and do things like swimming as my phone needs to be on I need to be near. I feel so isolated and restricted.
mer can't do days out because she is always in a mood and it's embarrassing around friends. I can't keep to plans as it's so unpredictable so can't keep up with friends.

she has come in tonight upset about a boy which I tried to
comfort her snd empathise. She said straight away 'don't touch me' as I put my eyes out. I got a take away for us and she sat there crying and started screaming at me so horribly. I just left my dinner and came upstairs and screamed back at her. It feels like there are just no nice days no nice things no nice words. I hate being in this house yet can't do anything. Fast considering just becoming one of those mums ThT don't care as much.
im forever going out of my way like tonight waiting up to 10pm to pick her up just to get talked to like shit

other a disabled mum who spends her days abusing me.

How often do you see her? If she is abusing you, I would step right away.

Honestly, you can’t give from an empty bucket — you need to replenish your own resources, and realise that you’re not just a taxi and object to be screamed at. Claim some time to invest in yourself.

I rarely see her its throug the

Sorry through the phone she gets abusive and nasty because I don't see her snd she is lonely

Why do you have to be on constant call for your daughter? Is there no public transport near you?

I don't even know how to do this anymore. She hates going to her dads and so when there she constantly texts me to get her. I do feel on the verge of a breakdown I just wish I could have a few days break from it but it would never work

It seems their anger is getting targeted at you- well , because you are their closest person who they can rely on?

I know you have probably thought this all through about where the anger at you is coming from? Was there a father figure or someone that's left that has left her with issues?

Teenage girls are difficult, even being rejected at school by friends/boys , the anger then gets drived towards parents . Not fair on you, but if you havnt done anything wrong then tell yourself that and know there is other reasons for this. Don't be sad

She just won't do things safely she will put herself places then I have to go get her.

This is what happened it's a boy. And it always gets taken out on me. I tried to be sympathetic snd she was so nasty. We can't even have dinner together yesterday I tried and got told I was being horrible cos I asked if they were still
going out. I feel
so sad I can't even talk to my daughter when I see others do and can have times with their children. Mine couldn't even bear to have a few hours at Xmas with me. She won't ever come out of her room. She won't even come to the cinema. All I'm good for is being a taxi and money. Everything else is an argument. I know I should limit the phone but feel I'm in so deep with it

It's hard not to react when hurtful things are said to you. I wonder if she even remembers saying the hurtful things to get the reaction from you and also respond in anger.

Your not alone in the way your feeling. You will be scared of losing her or pushing her away if you set boundaries and put your foot down with discipline. One thing is don't get physically angry, it's hard as that inner rage comes over. Trying not to be reactive(shouting or name calling back) to her nastiness and re set this cycle between you.

Has she got underlying ADD or even autism as girls can be so different at puberty trying to mask these

She has adhd and so do I. And now I'm upset with myself because in the end after trying my best to keep calm I end up shouting and storming off. Which is not right but u don't know what else to do I try to be light hearted I try to be calm or bore but she keeps going and going u til I snap scream at her and walk off

i hate the mobile phone

I am scared as she always she will kill or harm herself if I take the phone as she needs to talk to her friends. But it's ruining her life

Hi actually feel like a stranger in my own home I don't know how to manage tomorrow it feels horrible like I'm always begging for her to give us some time I just feel like if it's like this now it will never get any better.
mum not sure how to react or do things anymore

Aww not good, she is being very manipulative with her threats about self harm. Has she ever done before, just always make sure no sharo things are left in the bathroom or somewhere she would lock herself in.
Does sound like mental health is a big thing which is so hard. If she had a diagnosis of ADHD maybe getting g community mental health team to see her. You will make yourself ill and your seeking out help. Yea you can try confiscate phone but would she then turn on you.

If your at a point of desperation then maybe she needs a change in discipline to get tough to get her to see your serious. Phones and social media are a nightmare.

Does she maybe have particular interests you could engage with her in. She doesn't want to do the cinema but maybe something else? Could you game together or go to a concert, face masks and foot soak.

I'd be inclined to tell her straight you can't accept the atmosphere at home. You will not be spoken to like that or shouted at anymore and will be confiscating the phone for this in future. And also tell her you know you have shouted too and you also resolve to change.

Tell her you love her and will always be there if she needs support of to chat. Then I'd try changing the questions you ask her for a bit. Don't ask her about the boy or friends too much keep it light and non invasive (in her mind I'm not saying asking about your child social life is invasive!!)

13 and nurodivergent is a difficult time. Obviously it's hard on you but it might help you cope with it to remind yourself it's hard on her too.

Was this a sudden change in behaviour or general personality? If you need to be available on the phone to go rescue dd when she gets herself into situations as you say. Is it possible something has happened to her? There could be more than teen angst behind a behaviour change.

Do you need to have contact with your mother? Describing that as abusive does not sound good. If you actually made the effort to see her would she treat you better? Could you lean on her emotionally? Would she be on call for dd to give you a needed break? She's your mother, she's supposed to be a good thing in your life and if she's not doing that and you know she will always treat you badly cutting her out your life may be your best option.

I'm sorry you are feeling shit. Have you had phases before where things were shut and got better? Try to remember dd wont be 13 forever you just have to get through this tough time

Just picked up when u said you feel like your begging her...
Don't take her anger personally no matter how much she says. Her brain is going through a massive leap just nowll and how weird it is the more we try push to be close or find out how they feel they push parents away and resent them.

You maybe deep down are similar so right now are clashing as you try to be closer.

Can you back away from your mother at all? Also probably from your DD's constant demands too. Mine was shocking at that age! Pastoral care at school became involved which was a blessing as she was being truly awful! I think them basically saying to her "grow up, and buck up" (not in so many words, but it was an older school welfare officer vs the younger one we initially had). Helped loads!

Obviously we all need to care for our kids the best we can, but you're not an emotional punch bag. Tough love is sometimes needed, and teenagers aren't fragile flowers to not be given some basic boundaries surrounding not being a total twat (or you'll end up with an even worse 16yr old).

ever heard of tough love? Where I live there are phone interventions for parents that have had it up to here with their teen kids behaviours. Could you access one such in your area? On a personal note I had my then 15 yr old yell "I HATE YOU" to me. It hurt inside big time ( still does years later) but I didn't show it. I just yelled back "GOOD . I MUST BE DOING MY JOB AS A PARENT REALLY WELL". That took the wind out of his sails... he never said it again. Later in life he said that I could have been harder on him!!!!! He is now about to be a parent himself. Will be watching that closely lol

Agree you need to limit time with your mum until you've recharged.
If your DD is having a rough time could you dangle the carrot of a day off school as a mental health day, on the condition it's a phone/internet free day doing stuff with you?
You could take the day off too and make breakfast together, watch a film, play a game, go for a walk in the park, tidy her room, and basically reconnect? Talk about everything she wants to, talk about why she hates going to her dads, maybe tell her she can skip seeing him this week too as long as she talks to you and opens up.
You could plan future things, organising her things, painting her walls, little things outside of social media that will interest her and inspire her to be nice to you again.
Then once trust is rebuilt you can start to gently restore boundaries with the phone and how she talks to you?

Send her to her Dad's without her mobile phone for a few weeks while you rest up. Her Dad should be able to understand that you are not well.
Seek some assistance for your own needs.
Have your daughter spend more days each week at her Dad's for the whole year.
Don't contemplate having her more often until she has calmed down and appreciates you and treats you with respect and good manners.
Don't attend to your mother unless she also treats you with respect.

I am so sorry you are feeling crap @Cindybeale

It must be hell for you! I know others have said it’s normal for teens, but that’s ok if you have a partner or extended family for support, you clearly don’t.

you have said that she screams and shouts at you no matter how nice you are. As hard as this is she needs to learn some respect. You are not her doormat or taxi.

1. Where are you taxiing her to and from?
2. What are you giving her money for?
3. What is her behaviour like at school?
4. Does she help you in the house?

Hang in there Op x

We lived through raised five teenagers, two of whom inherited my Au/ADHD. The best piece of advice I can give is don’t engage in a shouting match with her. Acknowledge that she’s angry and upset, but ask that she not take it on others. If she wants to talk, tell her you’d be happy to listen and support her, but only if she talks calmly. And then mean it - don’t cave in to her anger.

I have told my kids endless times to go somewhere quiet, get themselves under control, and come back when they’re ready to talk, because if they can’t talk about what’s bothering them, how am I supposed to help?

They’re all in their 30s now, and they still talk to us and to each other. But it took a few hellish years to get here.

Are you and dad able to sit down and discuss this? Is the split bwn u and dad something she is struggling with? Whethet she likes hoing to dads or not i would not be at her beck and call. He sjould have her there so u can have sn extended period of time ehen u know u can recharge. Get in touch with school to.see if there is any mentoring available or if she is eligible for Early Help. If she is ranting, don't respond, walk away. I think u needvto make time for s hobby. U do not need your phone on all the time. I presume dad has a phone? As for mum, set boundaries. If she starts to be rude tell her u are going to terminate the call and mean it. Being lonely does not give her the right to be rude. Hang on in there OP.

Iv done that before she just won't do anything with me she seems to really hate being around me.mostly cos I remove her phone when she shouts and swears so in her head time around me means phone removal because evidently she feels she's not going to stop shouting and swearing. I really feel like I'm going to ask her dad to have her for a weekend which she xx will hate but I'm on my last knee's with all of this. It's constantly around boys all she wants to do is lie in bed
I'm actually feeling I can't even try anymore she always rejects me Xmas was horrible I arranged a weekend away, a day out, family stuff. Baking all sorts all of them were hell and the rest she didn't want to do