I'm so depressed and hate my life

[Cindybeale]

I'm a lone mother with no family other a disabled mum who spends her days abusing me. To boot my daughter is 13, hates me and we can't seem
to have 5 minutes without her screaming and being horrible. She just pushes me away and to be honest makes me feel like a piece of shit. I end up being shouted at so much I lose it and walk away so she's on her own and I am. I don't know which way to turn anymore I feel like iv given up my life to be a mum as iv got no one else and work and don't go out so I can be her taxi.
I don't ask for a lot back but we can't have 5 minutes without her being horrible.

I'm really at my lowest ebb with it all

Great advice. It’s never too late to put the boundaries in, OP, you don’t deserve abuse from your own child.

As awful as it sounds she needs to find out the consequences of this for herself. You won’t always be there to pick up the pieces for her.

You are struggling - and I am sorry to hear that.

Your DD is having her own struggles and I know you realise that, but it is hard for you to respond as you wish to when you are feeling so low. But if you do steel yourself to respond without losing it yourself, you will truly feel better about yourself and progress will start, albeit probably slowly.

If she shouts at you, you need to calmly say - "It is not acceptable for you to shout at me. I love you dearly and know that you are going through a bad time at the moment and I am here for you. But shouting is not the answer. Please tell me if there is anything I can do to help." - that is the rock she needs - she will reject it of course, but the message gets through and will be so helpful to her.

You can only be that rock if some of your needs are being met, which is hard at present, especially as your mother is compounding the negativity and adding to you feeling bad about yourself. You need to tell yourself that you ARE doing something right as your DD turns to you when she is not happy with her Dad. It is normal for her to take things out on the person with whom she feels most secure - and that is you in spite of all the aggro.

Are you able to set some ground rules? - maybe tell her that you are very happy to pick her up from places, but it would be helpful to you to know where she is and to have some warning so you can fit it round the things you need to do. Look for the flashpoints and think through how you can be one step ahead and put in proper plans. If there is a situation where you know she will get agitated, can you think of ways to be on the front foot with it?

She needs you to be in control, and that is so hard when you have so little to prop you up, as we all need.

Can you try and list the things in your life that are OK? - work, friends, the fact that your DD sees you as her safe person? - and find a way of expanding on those.

You could list the things that are going badly too - and think about what might be solutions for you.

You have all my sympathy - I have 3 adult DDs and we had our turbulent times with them, but I had good back-up - my OH, relative financial security, interests that I was able to pursue because there were people to child sit. I take my hat off to those who weather this phase without those sources of back-up. I think you can do this, because your posts indicate that you know what should be done, which is the first step to making better things happen. I am sending lots of good luck wishes and hope you can gradually find a way though.

She sounds like a horrible spoilt brat who is essentially emotionally abusing you.

Put some boundaries in place. I would tell her you are no longer her taxi service for a start, don’t be “on call” for her and stop giving her money, she’s taking the absolute piss.

It sounds like she has no respect for you, stop pandering to her it’s not doing her any favours. Don’t engage with shouting either, just tell her you won’t be spoken to like that and walk away. Go for a walk or a drive if you need to get away from her to calm down.

She isn't a horrible brat

Thank you you are right in all accounts
I want to respond calmly buy I think my recent frame of mind has stopped me doing that snd it does make it worse not better. My house is like a war zone at the minute and it just never used to be like this. I have however just devoted my life to her snd work and that's on me

You don’t ask for a lot back, and that’s why you get nothing.

Leave them together for a while, give them both some perspective

You have all my sympathy. I have a 13 year old Dd with ASC, probably ADHD and a PDA profile. If DD was a grown man she'd be in prison now the amount of abuse I've had. Also a lone parent.

I have been at rock bottom and actually suicidal over her behaviour. However, I am lucky that I have supportive family so firstly I'd say cut your DM off. You don't need that.

Secondly I know it doesn't seem like it but you are actually her safe space. You are the one she can release any hurt and anger too. It's hard but try and hold on to that.

Also, it's hard not to take to heart when your child calls you a fat bitch etc etc (my DD) but remember it's her ND brain talking (not all ND children but some with PDA).

Going low demand in your house does not equal spoiled. Don't listen to people who don't know telling you your DD is spoiled.

Ultimately your daughter sounds completely overwhelmed by life and needs support. You also need support. I work full time and spend all evening with my DD who I often can't get to bed until 11pm and then with a fight. I try and carve out any time I can. Listening to audio books, lunchtime yoga class.

Does your DD get DLA? I see this as an extra payment for all the out of hours I do for her and use it to do nice things for us to help us bond. Swimming is great as you can't use a device and can have lots of fun.

I could write an essay but there are lots of parents who are going through similar. Please please seek support for both of you.

Hello. mum of adhd teens. I just had similar with my 13 boy. We did a total screen removal for two months. I took all devices and gave them to grandparents (dc didn't know who i gave them to). Gave dc a dumb phone for travelling to school.
He was told when he can speak to me and other family members properly for a week without screaming abuse and shouting then they will come back. It was bloody tough going but it has improved his attitude. And he did get them back this month with time limits

My family has adhd and autism. We talk about it so much that we mostly understand each other’s quirks and triggers.

For instance, I know if my dd is silent or giving me blunt, one word answers, she’s having trouble functioning, not being rude. My family know if I’m cooking that I’m trying hard to remember what I’m doing and they won’t start a conversation. Loads of little things like that.

It sounds like you could be clashing because you’re not in tune with each others needs and are taking each other’s behaviours personally. Stick some YouTube videos on about adhd when she’s around and open up discussion.

Tell her you want to start again, a fresh start where you’re on the same side and get each other. Ask her if she wants a future where she doesn’t get on with her mum or one where she has a good relationship with her mum.

It might be helpful to re-read what you have written here op;

I don’t want her to feel unhappy

I don’t want her to feel sad or rejected

And I imagine you are wary of provoking more outbursts too.

I suspect that your relationship with your mother lies at the heart of why you are so afraid of making your child feel unhappy. You don’t want your dd to feel how your mum made or makes you feel.

But we are not here to protect our dc from difficult feelings op. We are here to help them
face and manage them.

You almost seem to have a degree of emotional dependency on your dd. If she is feeling ok then you are too. That is a big burden on her!

You are afraid of provoking intense or uncomfortable feelings in your teen and causing her short term distress. But it’s better to try and identify the important long term goal eg to prevent her being on her phone all night. If that makes her unhappy in the short term, too bad, because the long goal is more important.

If you impose a limit or boundary and say no, and then your dd kicks off, and she in turn provokes shouting or some sort of strong reaction from you, she gains a sense of power and control and she has succeeded in dumping the problem back on to you!

This is why it’s important to remain calm and keep your eye on the long term objective and ignore their protests in the meantime. You are the parent and you are doing what is best for them because you love them.

Phrases like “I love you too much to let you play on the phone all night” , or “I love you too much to allow you to go out to that party because your safety and your school work are more important” are useful,

I sympathise though because proper love isn’t easy and we’ve all given in from time to time. Parenting is not about pleasing your child or being their friend. It’s about guiding them to do the right thing and having the confidence in your own mind to say, “this long term goal is more important than any temporary discomfort you may feel when it’s implemented“.

It’s even more difficult when you are own your own, when they have SEN, and when your own parent caused you discomfort. So don’t blame yourself! It’s not your fault that those circumstances have collided in your home op! It’s obvious you are a conscientious parent who cares about their child.

As Michele Obama says; 75% of good parenting is about saying “no” and it is an uncomfortable place to be in sometimes. Especially when the rest of society that your child encounters is saying “yes”.

So I think we need good friends, adult validation, good inner self esteem to make those decisions with confidence; so it may be a good idea to get some help with that op from parenting groups, as you mentioned, or therapy.

Good luck 🌷

Can I ask how you put time limits on as everytime
i do they get over ridden somehow

I think I'm going to ge a phone like this for standby and just swap them when it happens

Thank you so much for your reply. It is very true and perhaps I know this deep down. I do tend to try and make everything ok and happy. Your post has really helped me thank you.

Hi

Depending on device there's usually an app.
So dc have samsung phones so use family link app on my samsung.
Older dc has iphone and u can put restrictions on in settings.
Pc and xbox use family safety app.
Nintendo switch has own parent app.

Wifi has its own settings too so you can block that.

Ultimately we had to removed everything out of the house to stop me crumbling as a parent and dc stop nagging. Dh has stashed items in his car boot before and he has used a locked toolbox and left key at work.

And first month was hell when we removed devices but we had 3 phoncalls from school about his rudness and attitude (school are amazing with him but he was refusing chill out time or any calming methods etc). Xmas is always a good off the rails time tbh

Sorry but reading your posts that is exactly what she sounds like! She demands money and lifts off you, you do as she wants and she can’t even be pleasant towards you…

Shes emotionally abusive too by threatening to kill herself if she doesn’t get her own way.

She's going to drag you down with her. Give her a short, sharp shock and stand up to her. A child should never treat her mother like that. Step back and do your own thing. I see more an more posts like this and zero tolerance is the only way. Time to put you first.