I agree with the poster above.
Step back slightly op. Make sure it’s clear to your dd that the lines of communication are very much open but you will only listen when the conversation is calm.
Do not shout back. Step away. Grab your coat and leave the house if you have to.
ND teen girls sometimes chase dopamine by engaging in arguments with their “safe” person, which is you, in order to offload their own anxieties and frustration. She wants to be grown up and have those freedoms, but knows she isn’t capable yet, and that’s frustrating. But don’t allow her to goad you either. You are not her kicking ball!
She doesn’t hate you. She hates herself and is projecting that on to you. So don’t make the serious mistake of taking what she says personally.
I would say op to be a bit less available to your mum and dd. You are squashed between the two of them and need some space of your own, Don’t always be available to drive your dd somewhere. Don’t always be waiting on her. Be busy with your own friends too. Maybe ringfence one or two times a week when you do something just for yourself and your own enjoyment.
Allow natural consequences to occur. Out of interest, what did your dd do at Christmas if she didn’t spend time with you?
Adolescence is a marathon not a sprint. Things will improve in five years or so, but you have to prepare yourself for the long haul, So do things which bring you happiness op. Don’t just stop prioritising yourself in the meantime as that won’t be good for your dd either.
I would draw some boundaries around the time when she is with her dad. Assuming he is a safe person to be with, and there are no reasons for her to object to being with him, even if your dd hates being there, there is no need for her to be telephoning you all the time. When she is with her dad, don’t be available so much. Only in emergencies or say “you can call me between 8 and 9 tonight”. Put some boundaries around it so you get your time to rejuvenate a bit before she comes back, You are allowed a break. It’s important that you have one.
You are in charge of your own time op. I know you work long hours but try and go out for an hour or so a couple of evenings a week. Exercise or see friends. Do things that boost you up a bit.
This is going to sound strange but I think teen girls test us for resilience. Because they feel so unstable, they verbally “kick” us to make sure that we are firmly anchored, so they know that they can rely on us to be steady. And if we betray weakness or fragility, they come for us even harder, I don’t think it’s deliberate. I think it’s because their emotions make them feel out of control.
So step back.keep calm, get your own mh in order. Don’t shout, just be steady. And most of all, enjoy modelling for your dd, what a healthy adult woman’s life looks like. She needs you to be cheerful, obviously not in a Disney way, but she needs you to be positive and not get so bogged down in her problems, that you cannot thrive yourself. She also needs to see that some aspects of adulthood can be fun and it’s not all stress and conflict.
Bring your friends home. Arrange a fund-raiser for charity in your home. Anything to get the dynamic away from you versus her. Work together painting a room?
Do continue to go out with her in public. Take her for coffees or fast food. If she kicks off be unflustered. You tried. Tell her you love her and you enjoy spending time with her but not when she is being rude and disrespectful. Tell her you will try again another time and quietly get up and walk away and leave her to make her own way home,
I once left my dd (I knew she had phone and money) at a railway station about forty minutes from our house because she was being so foul to me, Her attitude improved a bit after that.
Make sure your dd starts doing her own washing, And helps with the cooking and food shopping. Maybe even put her in charge of food one night a week? Don’t become her slave.
I recommend the book, Untangled, and other books on the subject of teen girls, by Lisa Damour who also has a podcast.
And if it gets to the point where your dd gets really out of control, try and get her to see a licensed psychologist who specialises in adolescence and ND.
Ask for talking therapy at the gp for yourself if you need it.
You can do this op! You are doing it already. Just by being a steady loving presence in your dd’s life, you are helping her, even though it feels hellish!
And you are not alone. A lot of this sort of teenage interaction goes on behind closed doors but it’s not spoken about by parents so don’t feel like you are failing. Your dd is lucky to have you. Hang in there.