One child has inherited AGAIN

[EWAB]

A decade ago my younger son benefited from a massive inheritance.

Essentially my MiL bypassed her three children and left everything to her 6 grandchildren.

The grandchildren: 2 siblings, 3 siblings and my younger child.

SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.

The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

It was said at the time and I believe this to be the case that the will was designed like this. to stop my elder child from a previous relationship from benefiting as he might have done 40/50 years later if the money had gone directly to my partner.

As for my relationship, my partner refused to consider changing our wills leaving more to elder child who was at the time very unlikely to inherit from his own father. He is now on property ladder but any inheritance will pale into insignificance compared with younger child’s

Well it’s happened again!

Late MiL’s half brother has left his entire estate to the MALE grandchildren of his siblings. Younger son and partner’s nephew and we think 2 or 3 others.

HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.

I want advice to come to terms with it . I have disabled voting. I can’t talk to anyone.

Yes, that is twat behaviour.

They aren't related to your eldest, so why would they leave money to him?

Lots of people decide to leave money to grandchildren rather than children - my own parents did. The children are individuals with their own relationships with the grandparents, so it's ridiculous of your husband to think his sibling "did better" out of it for having three children who inherit rather than one. It's not "per branch of family", it's per person.

The only thing wrong with the new inheritance is the old dinosaur only leaving money to his great nephews and not his great nieces. Very sexist and weird choice.

It's a shame your sons will have different financial starting points. That's a natural consequence of choosing to blend a family - the half / step children have different extended families with inevitable discrepancies.

There's nothing you can do to put things on an even footing. I'm sure that's upsetting for you, but you'd be extremely unreasonable to expect your husband to reduce how much he leaves to his own child to boost an inheritance to your child.

This is sad because it will probably cause relationship difficulties between your children.

But ultimately it has happened because of your life choices and you have to accept that.

No one is owed an inheritance. Life always deals uneven hands, no matter how much we might like everything to be equal. Some people inherit more money, some people are better looking, some smarter. Some luck out in jobs and some win the lottery.

You just have to accept it, in the same way you would have to if one child became really rich and famous. Or another married into a really rich family.

Many people have to deal with these types of inequality in their families.

You say they were entitled to do as they pleased as it was their money, but it doesn’t seem like you actually believe that.

Unfortunately this is one of the things that happens with blended families. You can always leave more to your older son in your will to even things up a bit.

I'm far more shocked about your partner's relative leaving his money to the boys and not the girls. That's appalling.

It's sad but it's so common when siblings have different parents.
My aunt has two daughters, one has inherited millions + properties from her dad's family, the other one has nothing, not even her dad's name since he refused to acknowledge her when she was born.
It's unfair, but that's life.

Relax! It’s just money.

Be happy for your younger child - I would have loved it if my younger brother inherited money or one of my children. Life at times is not fair we have to make most of it.

I can see the logic there to be fair. I don't think there's one correct way to divide most estates, even if you are trying to be fair.

@WendyHoused @GasPanic Many progressive, western countries have forced heirship laws so that children don't lose out. I think it's very sensible. It means people can't be cajoled or influenced unduly and stops relationship breakdowns after people pass away as so often described on MN.

One thing to add on this is that when doing my accountancy tax exams we would all pray we wouldn't get an inheritance tax question because the scenario was always something like this and you'd tie yourself up in knots and then think you'd got it and then think "oh arse, what if he remarries?" or "what if he he needs to move?". Your advice would be one paragraph of advice and 7 paragraphs of caveats.

There are honestly no clean solutions. It's all a bit on trust and a prayer (or threats to haunt if wishes not abided by :-))

I don't think it's inconsistent to say that they're entitled to do what they want with their money and, at the same time, to be sad to see your two children starting life in two very different positions. We are all entitled to wish things were different than they are

A very normal occurrence in blended families. That’s the reality you accepted when you chose to have another child with your husband. That isn’t to say you did anything wrong because you didn’t at all, that’s just life. Your children don’t share all the same relatives.

Don’t pressure your youngest to share with his sibling. It isn’t his responsibility to make things equal, or compensate his brother as if he’s been denied something rightfully his. It’s one thing to decide for himself that share, but that isn’t an expectation that should be placed upon him.

What did you expect was going to happen when you married and had a child with a new partner? You must have been aware that your oldest was not going to have the same life, with an intact family and seemingly wealthy extended family at that point. The control you have over the situation is long gone - the control to choose who fathers your children, and to have a second child with a new father when the first one didn't work out for whatever reason. It always baffles me that people don't understand your child is not your new partner's blood family. Their relatives certainly have no obligation to consider your son. You can try and 'even the balance' with your own estate, but honestly I'd just work on helping your older son to thrive in his life, and avoid comparisons with his half brother, which will only bring misery.

No one has done anything wrong.
you love both your kids exactly the same but one one else is obliged to and your DP is certainly not obliged to even the score by leaving a non biological child more than necessary in his will.

so take a long cold shower and get on with on your life

This

While your husband can’t stop you leaving your full 50% to your eldest, he can as a result leave his full 50% to his biological son (assuming he isn’t doing that already, as that is also absolutely normal in blended families), so doing so could end up being a pointless gesture.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.
I want advice to come to terms with it

But this happens with siblings anyway notwithstanding two children (who are actually not related, as far as I can see?) inheriting differently.

I come from a high degree of affluence, and one of my siblings married into a really wealthy family. They think nothing of owning two multi-million pound houses, very valuable art works, a (smallish) yacht, and travelling a lot. My sibling has basically never had to work. One of my other siblings married someone who's not particularly clever, not very educated, and likes to spend money but overall not very competent. They rarely have much money as this in-law likes to spend whatever my sibling earns, Their children are pretty downwardly mobile educationally & socially.

And we're all completely biologically related, raised in a nuclear family!

Your two are not related and raised in different households for some time, and different parents & grandparents. And your in-laws are absolutely entitled to keep money in their family. It might not be your family, but it's theirs & your son has no particular right to their money.

ETA: and my siblings and I all get along really well. There's an equality between us because of the way we were brought up, and we are kind and caring of each other. No reason why your step son & son shouldn't also care for each other. Of course, if you exude resentment, it'll be more difficult for them. Especially for the young man/boy who's inherited - please, don't make him feel guilty or beholden or obligated towards his step-brother.

Really awful to leave only to male descendants. MIL dividing her estate equally between her grandchildren is perfectly fair and sensible though (and far better to do it split by individual than by person).

It's maybe a bit weird for you and the two boys but no one has acted badly or unfairly.

If they haven't been welcoming of your DS in other ways (wedding invitations and the like which a PP mentioned) then that's awful and probably exacerbating your feelings about the wills, but the wills are actually fair enough.

Yabu to expect 2nd sons family to make up for your poor choice of 1st sons family.

Look, I totally agree that blended families are difficult (bordering on impossible sometimes) and no one is obliged to honour a step-grandchild in their will, but do people REALLY have to stick the boot in quite so viciously?

How much money are we talking about here? Because unless it’s millions I couldn’t get too worked up about this either. I can understand it being a bit upsetting but I don’t think you should expect the uncle of your dp to pass inheritance on to his non blood relation (his nephews stepson? Have I got that right?) That’s an unreasonable expectation. The mil I could understand more your upset but that’s dependent on her relationship with your eldest.

How old was your ds when you met your now partner?

Well if you brought up your children well to care about other people they can share the inheritance? As well as dole it out to any female relatives. Sorted. Or is the younger child an A$$e who wants to lord it over brother? I wouldn’t take money my siblings didn’t get.

Generally inheritance does go down the bloodline, nothing wrong with that. I won't be leaving anything for my sons adult step children, it's not as if I was ever a Granny to them, they have/had their own 4 GP's to inherit from.

No ones fault if one child's family is rich but their half-siblings aren't, it just life.

I think that's a weirdly intrusive approach by the laws of those countries. Surely it's none of the government's business what happens to private holdings of individuals, and they should be able to dispose of them as they wish.

If I don't want to leave money to my children and prefer to give it to the local guinea pig sanctuary, that's my concern. No one 'deserves' to inherit, it's a gift.

If my 'heirs" were absolute twats or gambling addicts or Reform party donors, why would I want to give the proceeds of my house to them when I could leave it to people or causes I actually care about? Personal autonomy matters.

(My kids are welcome to what I own and are lovely; I can't say it's very much to to honest, but they will get it anyway)

In the spirit of giving you advice on how to come to terms with this situation, I would draw your attention to the comments you made in your original post about your MIL:
SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.
and her brother:
HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

This is the unvarnished truth and you already know it so this is how you come to terms with it - no-one has a "right" to someone else's money when they die, and you just have to focus on this fact. How would you and your DP feel if his mother and uncle had left everything to a charity?

Regarding your own Wills, you could leave them as they are now, but if you outlive your DP (statistically likely) then you could change your Will after DP's death to leave more of your estate to your eldest DC (I would suggest leaving an explanatory note with the Will as to why your eldest is receiving the lion's share so your younger DC understand the logic in your decision-making and don't feel hurt).