One child has inherited AGAIN

[EWAB]

A decade ago my younger son benefited from a massive inheritance.

Essentially my MiL bypassed her three children and left everything to her 6 grandchildren.

The grandchildren: 2 siblings, 3 siblings and my younger child.

SHE WAS ENTITLED TO DO AS SHE PLEASED. IT WAS HER MONEY.

The fallout was quite seismic for lots of reasons. My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

It was said at the time and I believe this to be the case that the will was designed like this. to stop my elder child from a previous relationship from benefiting as he might have done 40/50 years later if the money had gone directly to my partner.

As for my relationship, my partner refused to consider changing our wills leaving more to elder child who was at the time very unlikely to inherit from his own father. He is now on property ladder but any inheritance will pale into insignificance compared with younger child’s

Well it’s happened again!

Late MiL’s half brother has left his entire estate to the MALE grandchildren of his siblings. Younger son and partner’s nephew and we think 2 or 3 others.

HE WAS ENTITLED TO DO WHAT HE WANTED WITH HIS OWN MONEY.

I genuinely can’t contemplate my two sons having such vastly different lives.

I want advice to come to terms with it . I have disabled voting. I can’t talk to anyone.

I think that's poor advice actually. I get the sons will have different money/no money previously but I can't imagine treating my kids differently.

I've seen posts on here in the past from someone who is upset as their mother has died and left them 10k and their brother 100k with the mother having said that that the 10k person has a better job so doesn't need the money as much.

The OP has two children with different fathers and hence different families. The siblings are not equal.

Advice on how to come to terms with it: accept that your children have different fathers. Accept it. They're equal to you as you are the common parent. They're not equal to each other, or to anyone else. This is a fact. Your partner is doing nothing wrong. Nobody is doing anything wrong, other than you in trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole.

Just accept this. Do what YOU can to treat them equally. You're tilting at windmills trying to get anybody else to do the same. They're not equal in anyone else's eyes (unless they are, of course).

If DS marries someone with existing children they're probably not going to be in my will. Why would they be? They'll have their own grandparents/other parent/aunties and uncles.

I feel differently about things like being included in holidays and invited to weddings but not so much about wills.

I would really encourage you not to try to “put it right” through your will. For one thing, who knows what the future holds? But the main thing is that children inevitably interpret unequal amounts in wills as unequal amounts of love.

Your kids have different fathers- there it is. They have different financial inheritances, just as they also have different genetic inheritances, and no one can say who is more fortunate overall.

Thinking on this, The problem here is that whoever dies first really has to leave most of the estate to the other one because the other partner is likely to need it (plus unless they're minted most of the estate is likely the house and quite possibly held as joint tenants so auto inherited by the other). The risk for the OP is that she dies first, leaving all to her DH and he then disinherits her older child. Therefore, it might be sensible to leave him something directly on her death, if doable. There is then of course the possibility that her DH lives for absolutely years, all the money goes on care and the younger child then gets nothing. It's very very difficult to make inheritance fair as there are so many uncertainties.

My partner felt that as he only had one child the family of the brother with 3 children benefitted disproportionately.

That's illogical. The money wasn't left to the your DH or his brother, it was left to the children. Had she left equal amounts to each family for the children, each of the three siblings would have had less than their cousins.

If I decide to leave money to my grandchildren, I will leave an equal amount to each child, not to each family

They have different dad's, so of course they will have different life experiences. It's just the way it goes.
Does your eldest not have his dad and his relatives to inherit from?
I personally wouldn't try to even things up in my will either. You risk your parting gift to your DC being favouritism.
And please make sure your youngest doesn't feel guilt over his good luck!

this is where I struggle on the 'stepchild' threads

everyone criticises extended family members for being petty when they do 'smaller' things like not take the stepchild out to the theatre or spend less (or no) money on them at Christmas. And yes, I understand, is it worth hurting a child's feelings for the sake of a few quid, to make a point?

But long term, does being kind just complicate things for everyone? Even the most welcoming people might draw a line between buying their son's partner's daughter a happy meal when they get their grandchild one, and including them equally in their will, giving the money they've spent their entire life saving and scraping for to a child they aren't blood related to, didn't know from birth, might have never met their other parent, and whom they might only see a few times a year - which means taking money away from (what they see as) their actual grandchildren.

So is it kinder to always keep that difference from the beginning, so the non-blood-related child never considers their parent's new partner's extended family as any sort of relation to them, and therefore never expects anything from them?

Of course it will still seem unfair if their sibling inherits a significant amount of money, but at least if they've never even considered the possibility of being included themselves, it will be similar to a friend or colleague whoever else inheriting - they can't help but think it would be nice to have that money but would never have considered it coming from that avenue, so it wouldn't even occur to them to feel upset or excluded about it.

This doesn't mean the child can't still have a positive, close, or even loving relationship with the extended family of their step mother/father - in the same way a child could be very close to a parent's friend, their godparent, a neighbour, a teacher or coach - they can absolutely get on well with their step-sibling's relations whilst being fully aware they are not their family, so will not (and don't expect to) have the same relationship with them as their step-sibling.

If they've never been taught that they should be treated exactly the same as their step/half sibling then it could be similar to, for example, when an aunt/uncle dies, 'I loved aunty X, but of course she left her money to her actual children and not me, that doesn't take anything away from the relationship we had, but obviously she was closer to them, I'd never expect anything otherwise.'

Do you have a life insurance policy? If not, could you take one out ‘top up’ your DC’s inheritance that way. Ok, this usually would only pay out if you pass younger, but at least if you do you know you’ve set him up properly.

The other thought that occurs to me is, are you on good terms with your elder son’s dad to discuss this with him?

My mother died first and left my db and I her estate.
My df had use of her share of the house until he died
They set it up like that and I would suggest OP makes arrangements to do the same to safeguard her eldest inheritance .
Its also worth noting they sign agreed reciprocal wills, this will protect the eldest son from being disinherited by OPs dh.

Please don’t let your partner stay there until he dies.

If you die next week, your child may have to wait another 30 or 40 years to inherit from you. Meanwhile his late mum’s former partner could be living there with his new wife and kids, while your family bring up your children.

Why should you expect relations to do something you are not expecting of your younger son - to give some money to his brother?

Aside from your feelings towards the situation, what are the feelings/ thoughts of the child who hasn’t inherited, is he taking it badly
Is there any chance the child who inherited twice would give the other child a portion?

I think it's fair enough. If one of my children married someone who already had children, I wouldn't want those children to have an inheritance from me. I would see that as unfair on my blood relations.

I'm sorry op. That's very hard and it's awful watching this unfold and seeing the difference it will make to one of your children while the other misses out.

I agree with what you've said, that it's their money and unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do other than adjust your will to favour your eldest child more. I understand why youd be upset your dh doesn't want to do this but equally i can see why he might be hesitant given how it might come across at the time and given that you don't know what position your kids will be in by then.

However in the meantime I think you coping with this will come down to helping your elder child understand that life is unfair and different people all have different starting points in life and to work for everything and feel entitled to nothing but respect. And at the same time teach your younger child that they've been exceptionally lucky and it's important for them to be aware of the privilege that comes with that.

I think, maybe there's something that needs unpicking around you trying to pretend that your family is more blended than it actually is. (In not sure how else to word it). I fully get why you'd be striving for this - you have two children who you love and you want the best for both and for things to be fair- but realistically it's not what they're actually going to grow up experiencing and I think it's maybe better to address and accept this so they can grow up recognising that it's a result of the situation rather than anything to do with them. I'd be worried that if you're upset and annoyed about it (I get why you would be) they might pick up on that and internalise it in a way that might affect self esteem.

I think maybe, focusing on how capable your children are, how confident you can make them, the work ethic you can instill in them and the importance of looking after each other as brothers and being supportive of each other would help you because that's something you can control and that you can provide equally. I think there's going to need to be a conversation at some point with your youngest about why your will might look uneven but that's for much further down the line.

Blending a family is very difficult and there's so many different layers to it. It sounds to me like you've been doing a great job so far but you're struggling to accept your own limitations with it. What's important is that you've two children who you love and who have a mummy who's prepared to fight for them. I just think you need to not burn yourself or relationships out by trying to push things further than they can actually go.

It’s not really anyone’s fault that your DP s family is better off than your first DH . Some people are fortunate enough to inherit and others aren’t .
I’ll never inherit a penny but my DS have both revived substantial sums from in laws . That’s just how it is
You don’t need your DP permission to change your will though , if you want to leave more of your own money to your older DS that's your business . DP can do what he likes with his
.

Please don't ask the younger one to give away his money. It isn't his fault.

And my MIL is planning on giving her money between her biological grandkids. I'd be shocked if she gave any money to my SiL'S husband's kids from his previous marriage. Who aren't related to her.

And hence it would always be better for inheritance to pass directly to children for them to do as they see fit when it comes to their turn to pass things on.

Actually, our solicitors strongly advised us to keep it simple with our kids - leave it all to them basically.

Assuming OP @EWAB is from a different culture or married into one as I can't believe anyone nowadays only passing inheritance to males, not the females. That's pretty shocking.

Many countries have strict rules on a certain percentage having to pass to the children. Sometimes wish that was the case here.

I personally wouldn't leave inequal money /assets to my children. They are both your children. I wouldn't want one to feel less important or loved. You want to even the playing field, and I get that, but this is a blended family. Your youngest has inherited, generational wealth, from their dads side of the family. Your oldest is unrelated. I don't think it's unfair. It's just life as a blended family.

I'm the eldest child in a similar type of family - obviously and clearly "othered" by my mother's subsequent husband. Unfortunately it's very much a "shit happens" situation and all you can do as a parent is to make sure your eldest feels as loved and accepted as their sibling.

People sometimes really suck and that's how shit the world is.

I don't really understand! Are your other DC not your in laws' relatives?

I don’t understand why you expect inheritance to go to a child that doesn’t belong to your partner or for your partner to leave any money to your older child. Have you even gotten married? Has he adopted your older child?

I understand why your partner is annoyed about an even split among grandchildren. I would have split by branches and then subdivided, so 1/3 to each group of grandchildren, with the resulting individual values ranging from 1/9 to 1/3. It’s just a personal preference though and some people like to keep it even across the 2nd generation instead of the 1st.