Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to expect my husband to look after our son when I feel ill????

52 replies

fiestabelle · 04/05/2008 16:02

I dont post very often but need to know if this is my problem, or if I am right to think that my husband is behaving selfishly??? I have a sickness bug/food poisonng (not sure which) and have been vomiting/diorhea sp??) since Friday?? I have also been feeling pretty low the past fews weeks and suspect that I may have mild PND.

Started feeling ill yesterday am, husband took our 18mth old out for the morning, and I did housework, we went out for lunch and when we came back it all just caught up with me, started crying over something very minor, felt sick, and needed to lie down to get myself together. I asked my DH to watch son, and he did - then suggested that I should bath him and get him ready for bed as it would be good "bonding" time - wtf, I am with our son every day and could not be closer to him!!!

Today he let me lie in as I was ill through the night, but he had plans to watch footie at mid-day. I got up around 9ish, and he asked if I wanted him to stay home, I said yes, cue much tutting, huffing, etc etc. I tried to get myself together, but really felt bad, the outcome being that he called his parents to come and collect DS and take him for the day.

All I wanted was a bit of help with DS, didnt want him packed of to GP for the day - am I being unreasonable to expect my DH to have cancelled his day out to look after me and DS??

He has said that my logic is twisted, and that he was trying to give me some time on my own??

OP posts:

mud · 04/05/2008 16:05

sounds liek your being unreasonable to me. but i think that might be clouded cos youre ill. he did sort something out so you could rest sounds fair enough

MrsMattie · 04/05/2008 16:05

He called his parents because he wanted to watch footie.
He suited himself, didn't he? It was nothing to do with giving you time to yourself.

Lulumama · 04/05/2008 16:08

i think you ABU

he made plans for your son to be looked after so he had his day out. he didn't dump your baby on a stranger, i am sure his GPs were delighted to have some time with him.

his mistake was asking if you wanted him to stay at home when he had no intention of doing so !!

juuule · 04/05/2008 16:08

If you needed time on your own, your dh had already arranged to watch football and he organised it so that gp could care for ds, I'm not sure what the problem is. If your ds was happy to go to gp and they were happy to have him then everyone was happy and catered for. Or is it that you wanted your dh at home? If I had felt ill then I would have been glad that he'd sorted everything out and I'd have a day to myself.

milliec · 04/05/2008 16:12

Message withdrawn

winebeforepearls · 04/05/2008 16:14

You're perhaps being a little unreasonable, but agree that you're probably feeling a bit vulnerable/sensitive because of being ill.

He may not understand quite how bad you're feeling if you do have PND. You should book yourself in to see your GP as soon as you're feeling well enough to get out of the house, and talk to him/her about how you're feeling.

Also try to talk things thru with your dh and explain that, quite apart from the D&V, you're not yourself.

HTH

wheresthehamster · 04/05/2008 16:19

Of course YANBU.

If you're ill he should just take over running the household. If by doing that he can still arrange to go out - fair enough. Although if you need looking after that's another matter.

I'm sure if he was ill you wouldn't go and ask him to bath and put DS to bed.

I hate it when women are ill and made to feel guilty by asking for a little help.

Hope you feel better soon.

wheresthehamster · 04/05/2008 16:21

Ooh, sounded a bit Xenia-ish there. Didn't realise

juuule · 04/05/2008 16:29

I do think that you need to make him aware of just how ill you feel and not expect him to guess though. While you might think that he should realise, I've found that it's not always the case and the whole situation changes once I've spelt things out about how I feel and what I want to happen.

Judy1234 · 04/05/2008 16:34

He sounds ilke a sexist pig. Why did you marry him? Do you earn more than him - that might help get teh power balance right in the rlatioship. Make sure he spends more time in the week with the child than you do and you work longer hours and all will be well.

Original poster

fiestabelle · 04/05/2008 16:34

Thanks so much for responding - I do feel I am being a bit unfair as I know DS loves being at his GP, and it means DH can get on with his plans, and I get a day at home to feel better, but....

sometimes I just wish I didnt have to ask!! It would be sooo nice if he would just say, you are feeling rotten, I'll give the footie a miss and we will just have a family day at home and I'll look after DS so you can get some rest - its never going to happen

Last night when I was teaful I did start having a talk with DP about PND, and how I was feeling low etc, he responded by firstly asking "why havent you mentioned it before now" in one breath, to then predictably going on to say "dont turn into one of those women who smashes up the house" ???? and then telling me I had a lot to be gratful for, all of which I know, and I am very gratful for my life, but tbh, knowing that and feeling it are two different things....

I think there are more problems between dh and me than I am willing to face up to at the minute...we get on well on the face of it, but feel that we are living parallel lives really, you know, living in the same house, but neither of us really knows what is going on in the other's head??? I dont know where to go from here, and think this is a big part of why I am feeling so low?? Does this sound like PND, or just a relationship issue??

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 04/05/2008 16:41

It would happen if he were dependent on you for money though.. it all comes back to money and power in relationships. If he thinks he's lucky to have you and if he doesn't pull up his socks he'll lose you etc.

I don't think most men really want to know about what is going on in other people's heads but it sounds like you are a bit fed up. Going back to work makes a lot of people feel happier. Or even just seeing the GP about depression. Is your diet good and do you exercise? That helps mood and improves your immune system

beaniesteve · 04/05/2008 16:44

"he responded by firstly asking "why havent you mentioned it before now" in one breath, to then predictably going on to say "dont turn into one of those women who smashes up the house" ???? and then telling me I had a lot to be gratful for, all of which I know, and I am very gratful for my life, but tbh, knowing that and feeling it are two different things...."

other problems aside, by saying this perhaps he was attempting to be caring and not make a big issue of it in one go, but got it slilghtly wrong because he has no experience of this kind of thing.

Now he knows you should maybe go to the doctor and see if they can offer support for your depressin.

Then tackle the relationship issues. Tell him what you have said about feeling as if you are living parallel lives, see if you can plan some time to spend together doing things which don't revolve around the house or the childcare.

Triggles · 04/05/2008 16:49

You really can't expect to know exactly what is in each other's minds, even if you are married. That's why you communicate - so that you know where the other one is in that respect. I don't expect DH to know exactly what I'm thinking, and he doesn't expect me to know what he's thinking. Take the time to talk to him and spell it out to him how you are feeling - both physically and emotionally.

beaniesteve · 04/05/2008 16:51

and...'why haven't you mentioned it before now' is a reasonable enough question. Perhaps you have been trying to hold it together and so he hasn't noticed how difficult things are feeling for you. Like Triggles says, talk to eachother.

Janos · 04/05/2008 16:54

YANBU

Why do people think its fine for men to abdicate responsibility for childcare? My XP was just like this when I was suffering with PND.

Hope you feel better soon. It's awful being poorly and having to look after a toddler too.

juuule · 04/05/2008 17:02

How has fiesta's dp abdicated responsibility?

Original poster

fiestabelle · 04/05/2008 17:03

Thanks - Xenia - I have gone back to work part time and now earn less than DH, but I am still the main breadwinner I suppose because of other perks of the job iyswim?? I think there is a power struggle in the relationship but not sure that it stems from money...dh can be a bit passive agressive - which I think is a form of emotional bullying, and some times I think he is a bit insecure so will say/do things to keep me in my place - he would probably be horrified to read that as he is not a bad person but that is what it feels like sometimes.

Triggles and Beaniesteve, you are both right - communication is a huge part of a relationship and we seem to have lost our way - new baby, work, all the usual stuff - dh is not a big talker, I like to over-analyse and discuss everything (think this is female trait??) and have gotten into a rut of thinking - wont bother telling him that, he'll just make a joke, smart comment etc, and it has gotten to the stage where I couldnt tell you when we last had a proper conversation

I am going to give myself a week and if the low mood hasnt lifted I will visit the docs for some advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

fiestabelle · 04/05/2008 17:06

He does abdicate responsibility for childcare in a way, it was my suggestion that he ring his mum to see if she could watch ds....mainly because I knew the day would be miserable if he was forced to stay home, and I just wasnt up to looking after DS on my own all day. I just keep thinking if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have cancelled my plans without a thought if it was him that was ill.

OP posts:

juuule · 04/05/2008 17:11

Instead of suggesting that he phoned his mum, why didn't you tell him how you felt and how much you needed him to stay home.
You've encouraged him to take ds to gp and when he did it you are mad/upset at him for it. A bit confusing, don't you think? What are you doing - testing him?
You might drop everything if it was the other way round (possibly not always a good thing as you risk ending up getting taken for granted)but he isn't you. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you. It just means he has a different take on things. If that is upsetting you then you need to let him know. Maybe not in a deep meaningful talk (as he may switch off if he's anything like my dh) but in a blunt 'this is how it is' way.

Janos · 04/05/2008 17:11

juule - ok, that sounds a bit strong perhaps.

But by not looking after DS and sending him to the grandparents for the day when all OP wanted was a bit of support sounds more like 'can't be arsed' than 'supportive DH trying to make sure his poorly wife gets a rest'.

juuule · 04/05/2008 17:14

Maybe,Janos. That is a possibility or it could just have been that it seemed like the ideal solution to him. Everybody got what they wanted. Because he wasn't aware of fiesta's need for him to be there.

Janos · 04/05/2008 17:15

I'm sure your DH isn't an awful person fiestabelle but he does sound somewhat thoughtless and a bit selfish.

Agree that a chat might be a good idea. Or, you could write down how you are feeling if you feel chatting doesn't get you anywhere?

shymum · 04/05/2008 17:24

Looking after an 18 mo is hard enough - but there's nothing worse than being ill and still having your kids to look after! I don't think either of you is being unreasonable - it's hard work for you both. But sometimes wouldn't it be nice for someone to look after you when you feel ill for a change, instead of expecting you to look after them all the time? Hope you feel better soon.

Janos · 04/05/2008 17:27

Yes juule, it could of course be that too. You know your DH best fiestabelle.

How are you feeling generally?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread