Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my husband to look after our son when I feel ill????

52 replies

fiestabelle · 04/05/2008 16:02

I dont post very often but need to know if this is my problem, or if I am right to think that my husband is behaving selfishly??? I have a sickness bug/food poisonng (not sure which) and have been vomiting/diorhea sp??) since Friday?? I have also been feeling pretty low the past fews weeks and suspect that I may have mild PND.

Started feeling ill yesterday am, husband took our 18mth old out for the morning, and I did housework, we went out for lunch and when we came back it all just caught up with me, started crying over something very minor, felt sick, and needed to lie down to get myself together. I asked my DH to watch son, and he did - then suggested that I should bath him and get him ready for bed as it would be good "bonding" time - wtf, I am with our son every day and could not be closer to him!!!

Today he let me lie in as I was ill through the night, but he had plans to watch footie at mid-day. I got up around 9ish, and he asked if I wanted him to stay home, I said yes, cue much tutting, huffing, etc etc. I tried to get myself together, but really felt bad, the outcome being that he called his parents to come and collect DS and take him for the day.

All I wanted was a bit of help with DS, didnt want him packed of to GP for the day - am I being unreasonable to expect my DH to have cancelled his day out to look after me and DS??

He has said that my logic is twisted, and that he was trying to give me some time on my own??

OP posts:
mumeeee · 04/05/2008 18:08

YABu, Your DH had all ready made plans to go out befor you were ill. He sorted out childcare for your ao that you could have time for yourself,

juuule · 04/05/2008 18:10

Nooo he probably sorted out childcare so that he could go out otherwise he would have had to stay in, wouldn't he.

Judy1234 · 04/05/2008 20:02

Yes, it was the ideal solution but she wasn't happy because he got to what he wanted and she wants him to be as miserable as she is perhaps?

Original poster
fiestabelle · 04/05/2008 20:20

OK - I can still see this from both sides but I do feel that DH should put his family before a day in the pub. This wasnt a majorly planned day out for him, it was a general meeting whoever in the pub to watch the game.

I suggested that he ask his parents to watch DS as I knew it would be a hellish day for us all if he was forced to stay home and look after DS. He rang his parents who came to collect DS, 90 min round trip, as he was "too late" to drop him off, and I picked DS up at tea-time - a 90 minute round trip for me, DH then rang to ask if I could pick him up from pub on way home.

I suppose my point is that DS is 50% his, but it seems that I, and his parents take more responsibility for looking after him than DH.

He didnt say "oh, I'll get M & D to watch him to give you some peace" it was more, god, "I'm going out and I'm not cancelling so who is going to look after him?"

I can see other's points of view in that he got to go out, I got peace, and DS got day with GP, hence the original post! - not sure how much I am feeling down in general is making me irrational.

Sorry, should have said on earlier posts I would be away for couple of hours picking up DS,

OP posts:
Pitchounette · 04/05/2008 20:26

Message withdrawn

Pitchounette · 04/05/2008 20:31

Message withdrawn

Shitemum · 04/05/2008 20:34

fucking men

Original poster
fiestabelle · 04/05/2008 20:34

That is how I feel, in my mind it should be a given that if I am not available for whatever reason, it should automatically fall to him to look after DS, but this just doesnt happen, he also knew that because he had been drinking, either his parents would bring DS back, or I would have to collect him, even tho I feel crap! - I suppose its the thoughtlessness that gets to me - he just seems to have no consideration for me.

This is starting to sound a bit woe is me, which is why I posted - feels as if my judgement is a bit skewed as feeling down, so will take your advice and not make too big a deal of it, tbh, we are not speaking at the minute and I cant face a discussion about it tonight as feel too weepy and can see it ending in tears - need to feel a bit better and step back and try and get things into perspective. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
PictureThis · 04/05/2008 20:36

YANBU

Original poster
fiestabelle · 04/05/2008 20:38

Should clarify, not hellish as in shouting and yelling, just hellish as in I knew he wouldn't stay home in good grace, there would no doubt have been a lot of tutting, closing doors just that bit too forcibly, and although he adores DS, I suspect that he would have been impatient and short tempered with him - it just seemed easier all round to suggest that his M & D look after DS.

OP posts:
Pitchounette · 04/05/2008 20:58

Message withdrawn

Original poster
fiestabelle · 04/05/2008 21:02

He does look after him occassionally on his own, and they get on fine, dont think that was the issue, more that he had plans and didnt want to change them.

In general, dont think his life has changed that much since DS came along, and this seems to be a common theme amongst friends who have LO. I dont know if this is the norm, and my expectations are too high, or if it should be more of a partnership?

OP posts:
tribpot · 04/05/2008 21:09

"he had plans". No. He has a child. If he can manage to cram plans in around that, fine, that's what the rest of us do. But you don't get to have 'plans'.

His life has changed. You would do well to reinforce this point to him.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

CrazyMofo · 04/05/2008 21:22

YANBU

Shitemum · 04/05/2008 21:24

They just go on with their lives don't they? They're like someone walking away uninjured from a car crash going 'oh I'll just have to get the bus then' while you are running around covered in blood doing first aid, calling ambulances and holding hands with injured people.

beaniesteve · 04/05/2008 21:30

Did you have an issue about him going to the pub in the first place, before all this happened?

Pitchounette · 04/05/2008 21:38

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 04/05/2008 21:55

Yes, change things whilst you can. We both carried on with full time work so to that extent we both carried on as before which made things in a sense fairer and easier as one of us wasn't hugely changed and tied to the home with a baby but our leisure time changed hugely once we had a child, both of us. I would not have allowed it to be otherwise. But plenty of women seem to be content to live with these sexist men and to work (looking after children) 7 days a week all day whilst the man doesn't.

Pitchounette · 04/05/2008 22:21

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 05/05/2008 10:37

I do. There are lifestyle choices I just think are objectively and morally wrong such as where women are beaten or where their husband won't allow them to work or go out without a veil on or whatever.

cory · 05/05/2008 16:22

juuule on Sun 04-May-08 17:02:38
"How has fiesta's dp abdicated responsibility?"

By asking her to bath ds when she has a tummy bug.

HonoriaGlossop · 05/05/2008 16:31

But i think it's really impossible for him to know how strongly you feel when it's YOU who suggested he call his parents to have your ds, then you complain about the fact that he got them to have him!

Confusion central!

I know what you're saying about WHY you suggested that, but that's not the way to deal with it; the thing to do if you want care to fall immediately to him if you are ill (which is perfectly right and totally reasonable expectation for you to have) is to TELL him that and if he sulks about it and makes life a misery then you tell him in no uncertain terms that he is behaving like a toddler and you won't stand for it - the child being equally his responsibility etc

i tihnk you need to be more assertive, more direct; and not expect him to know things without being told.

Original poster
fiestabelle · 05/05/2008 16:49

Thanks so much for all the replies - I am a bit more clear headed today so feel a bit calmer and can view things a bit more rationally. I think the last few posts are bang on, I need to be more assertive, communicate with him better, and make it crystal clear what I expect from him, then if he doesnt help out, or does so with bad grace, I can raise the issue. I am guilty of letting him away with a lot up till now, to the extent that I assume almost 100% responsibility for DS on a day to day, practical basis, but you are correct in that I have LET this happen, and he has gone along with it.

Things have to change for both of us.

OK, a new fiestabelle awaits DH when he gets in from work!!!!

OP posts:
juuule · 05/05/2008 16:49

Exactly, HG.
Cory - So she says 'no, I don't feel well' and then he does it or the bath gets skipped. What's the problem?

juuule · 05/05/2008 16:51

You sound much better, Fiestabelle, and much more together