How do you put your DH first?

[Avaricii]

I may have had a bit of a rant at DH today that I don't feel like he ever puts me first. It's kids, him, work, other responsibilities, me.
And he said I don't put him first ever
I feel like I do. I think of him always. I listen to his e.g. need to be more healthy after a really meat heavy December. So I January so make sure that everything I cook is healthy and vegetarian.

When he has to go away for work, make sure everything that is his responsibility is covered (e.g. pick ups).

So I want him to feel heard (my feeling heard is a different issue) but I want to know how you think you make your DH feel special and important to you, ~when you have a FT job and 2 kids~

How does he put you first? Works both ways... no one can always come first. But you can be thoughtful and mindful

Well, dh is one of four people in our house so he can't always come first, and he has to just deal with that. However there are certain things we do for each other to show our love towards one another - cooking a preferred meal, picking up each others favourite drinks, remembering one said to the other "I'd like to try x or y" and buying it. Etc.

In what ways do you feel he is demonstrating to you that you are bottom of his priorities?

I listen to what he thinks it means. You might mean pairing his socks and cooking healthy meals is "putting him first" but for him it may well mean leaving him alone for an hour every evening to decompress and letting him eat a slice of pie without reminding him of his new year resolutions. If you want to know what he needs to feel like you put him first, then you need to ask him not us.

My feelings I can articulate to him fine (e.g. I'm really stressed at work and he made me feel bad about having to work late instead of wash up; I asked him to be ready for a certain time as I had an important meeting and he was 5 mins late. Usually not a big deal but work is causing me massive stress)

I just want to know what is reasonable for him to expect. Right now I'm probably not putting him as high as usual as work is stressful but I want to. But I think he should understand that for now.

I don't understand from your post above what you currently aren't doing for him that you normally do for him?

About to go and do that. I'm just trying to put myself in a non- self defensive frame before I do that by getting a sense of what is reasonable. But I think that's a really good point to start the conversation

I'm not sure that I'm not but maybe he feels like I never do.

He needs to explain to you what you are seemingly doing/not doing for him that you should.

He also needs to explain what he does for you to make sure you feel prioritised.

He needs to realise that he isn't head of the household and should always come first.

Ten a penny it'll be sex. That's usually all they recognise as "for them".

I think the first thing for both of you to accept is that realistically, when you have children & a full time job each, plus wider family & friends, you’re not going to be “first” most of the time, that’s the reality of it and that’s okay.

When it was just me and DH, we put each other first most of the time because it was much easier to do so and we had less on our plates so we could really have it all because balancing our relationship with work & social life was simpler. But now we have a child it’s not so easy, and that’s just part of life. We don’t wake up in the morning now and think of what the other wants, it’s more about needs, and what our child needs comes first for both of us, to an extent then work comes second because we need our jobs to have the life we do.

I do still feel we both put each other first as much as we can, we both make each other feel appreciated as much as we can and we are both very happy still but it’s more the small things. My husband brings me flowers or snacks home if he’s been gone for a long day and knows I’ll need the little pick me up, or if he’s been away with work for a couple of days then when he comes home he’ll have arranged me a massage or planned a nice day out for us. He’ll run me a bath and do bed time as he knows I need that little bit of peace. I’ll make dinner for him coming home, something I know he likes, or at the end of a long week will make sure we have wine in the fridge and a nice dinner ready to go. I’ll make plans for me & DC so that he can go watch a football match with his friends because I know how much he enjoys that time and he deserves it. I know he’s been really focusing on weights at the gym recently and said he was struggling to hit his protein target so I went and stocked up on some different protein snacks/cooked some so they are in the fridge ready. If he knows I have to be up & out early in the morning he will get the bag packed and kitchen sorted once I’ve gone to bed to make my life that little bit easier in the mornings, when I know he has late nights at the office coming up I’ll make meals he can quickly pop in to heat when he gets home so he still has a good meal.

It’s not the big things, it’s the little things, working as a team and although some of my examples may seem really small and insignificant to others, nothing makes me feel appreciated or heard like seeing the bath is ready for me, or my favourite snack is waiting for me in the cupboard.

Definitely not sex 😂
Mostly keeping things tidy...which I do but he's ex military so has some very high standards.

I think this is a time for the dreaded love languages discussion. But I also want to point out that his response to your plea (bid) for connection was to DARVO you—he went on the attack and denied, attacked, and reversed victim and offender. Im not sating he is abusive—just that you and he have at tit for tat style of negotiation which can quickly become a grudge fest. Thats not useful to you.

Sit and have a think about what things make your dh feel loved (of course its probably sex as a poster said upthread). Then think about the things that make you feel loved. Then have a conversation with him about how you notice that you both have not had much time to acknowledge each other and show love.

My dh and I are very simpatico after 30 years together and we just easily do the things that make the other ine feel seen and loved. Its become second nature. But in the early childrearing days we sometimes had to work at it.

He's probably talking about sex.

I don't put my DH first he has a masters degree in putting himself first, even the DC see it he's so self centred. My order is my 2 DC and then me.

What works well for me to get both of us into an open-minded position at the start of the conversations is to set some rules. Our "go-to" rules is to listen, ask loads of questions before dismissing the idea and ban responses like "I don't know" and "I am not sure". It's amazing how much further you can get into a discussion just by avoiding "I don't know" cope out.

Sounds like one of those arguments you'll never win (either of you).

When he has to go away for work, make sure everything that is his responsibility is covered (e.g. pick ups)

That doesn't feel like 'putting him first'. That just feels like a standard domestic necessity of sharing childcare. The fact that you would include this as a putting your DH first maybe suggests a disconnect between what you mean and what he means by putting each other first.

So off he goes to bustle about with his duster and pinny, if you're not succeeding in achieving his 'high standards', surely?

I wouldn't say I never put DH first, but it's things like sitting down together with our diaries, blocking in places where we're away for work, working around one another so there's someone here for DS, so it's more mutual working arounds than anyone prioritising the other one.

Yeah I agree with this. When my husband works late I feed our child and put her to bed, that’s not me putting him first, it’s just the balance of childcare?

And he said I don't put him first ever

He knows you put him first often and regularly

He said this ^ to shut you up, so that you focused on something other than how little he does for you

He said it ^ to destabilise you and reduce your self belief

Everyone has different "love languages" so just ask what he feels would make him feel appreciated.

My DH packs my lunch, deices the car, does all the driving when we are together, that is him putting me first.

In return I go along with his routine because routine is important to him but not to me, I cook blander meals because he doesn't enjoy as much flavour as I do, I buy extra of things because I know he stresses we will run out, whereas I am more laid back and if we run out of oats for example, I will eat weetabix.

It's recognising what things are important to your OH that you can concede because they aren't so important to you and them doing the same in return.

They make you laugh don’t they. You bring up something and he goes on the attack straight away turning it back on you. The result of that attack is that you are now asking for advice on how to do more and put him first while I’ll bet he he is doing fuck all thinking about how he can put you higher in his list of priorities. As soon as he deflected he was off the hook and he probably knows that too.

Persoablky I would ignore it and just crack on. He won’t change how he perceives you and how he prioritises you as you are bottom of his list.

As the wife of a man who is analysing tidy, it's been about making things as he likes them: pressed hankies, neatly folded socks and pants, favourite dinners a couple of times a week and dealing with the clutter/paper that irritates him.

All very boring. We both work full-time, married for 35 years, with the caveat that he works harder than me. He recognises my wife work input; I recognise his financial contributions and very hard work outside the house.

We generally have a chat every day.

Tbh I reckon he doesn't really know what he means and it was just his way of going into attack mode because he knew you had a point!

And men generally tend to be very good at putting themselves first, my DH does not have a problem with this!