How do you put your DH first?

[Avaricii]

I may have had a bit of a rant at DH today that I don't feel like he ever puts me first. It's kids, him, work, other responsibilities, me.
And he said I don't put him first ever
I feel like I do. I think of him always. I listen to his e.g. need to be more healthy after a really meat heavy December. So I January so make sure that everything I cook is healthy and vegetarian.

When he has to go away for work, make sure everything that is his responsibility is covered (e.g. pick ups).

So I want him to feel heard (my feeling heard is a different issue) but I want to know how you think you make your DH feel special and important to you, ~when you have a FT job and 2 kids~

I agree with people saying it might be something specific he's looking for, especially if he has a particular love language.

But fundamentally showing you're putting someone first is about finding nice ways to surprise them or do something extra on top of what you normally do (rather than just something different, which it sounds like you're doing currently. Also, men will often only notice when something goes wrong or isn't done rather than when it smoothly goes to plan which they don't notice, which is why you're getting complaints about tidying/washing up not being done but him not noticing the effort of arranging schedules. My DH is lovely but the same, he notices if the food shop hasn't been done but not if I've refilled the rock salt for his cooking).

My DH will run me a bath off his own bat, but he'll also set the bathroom up in a nice relaxing way which shows he cares.

I might be in the supermarket and see a new/different product that I think he'll love and buy it as a treat. So it's a bit beyond the usual shop.

If you know he likes things tidy then you could tidy as normal but find a better way to store something of his. For example one of the Christmas presents I bought my DH was a bedside table organiser with a book and cup holder. It's not something I would care about but I know it's in line with what he likes.

If you know he gets annoyed about too many products in the shower you could figure out the perfect storage for them that stops them looking messy or dripping product everywhere, etc.

I don't, why should I?

Why do you do all the cooking? How does he put you first? If you’ve got kids and a job, why does he expect to be ‘first’? Quite frankly he sounds like a dick. I’d be utterly shocked if my DH said or expected this.

I don't know that I'd consider lots of these things as putting each other first, rather just being considerate or thoughtful. To me, being put first means being prioritised over other things - so for me/DH I think that would be things like occasionally cooking a meal he likes even if I/the kids would prefer something else occasionally (rather than only ever cooking stuff that I/the kids like). Or choosing a family day out that he will enjoy rather than one that I will enjoy.

The fact is though, as lots of people have pointed out, nobody should be prioritised ALL the time, because that means someone else isn't ever. It should be about compromise - about everyone feeling that sometimes they're more important than other things/people. Sometimes work does have to come first if you don't want to lose your job. Children's needs often have to come first. Sometimes we do need to be selfish and put ourselves first for our own well-being.

It sounds like you may need to think about having more couple time. And I don’t mean sex. We’ve always been really good at making sure we have time for us as a couple despite having full time jobs and kids.

We go out at least once a week (dinner or pub or cinema or even just an early evening dog walk). We also always go away at least once a year just the 2 of us.

It’s so easy as life gets busy to lose the romantic connection. But by making sure we spend quality time together without the kids around, everything else falls into place with regards to making sure each of us feels valued.

Indeed.

You can only communicate with people who want to communicate with you, so that's important to remember. Sometimes when you're agonising on how to approach someone with your concerns, it's because you know already that they'll be dismissed.

I don't. I prioritise people and their needs/wishes the best I can dependent on the importance and urgency of what they need or want and the other calls on my time. Life consists of multiple relationships, tasks and conflicting demands, and you do the best you can to deal with them all. There's something quite childish about framing it as a competition to come first in. A better way of looking at it is to consider whether you're getting what you need from a person and if not whether it's possible to change that.

This

This^ and not listening his moaning/ ranting, or expecting him to play with kids /doing household stuff rather then what he wants (sleeping, gaming, watching TV), or not cooking or not doing his washing.
But it’s much better to ask him otherwise you might pick a wrong option e.g washing instead of sex 🙂

So in this argument, you raised that you felt that he was not being considerate r making an effort to meet his needs. INstead of engaging with that point, he turned it on you and said you don't meet his needs?

Do you think he is currently sitting racking his brain, on the internet, talking to his friends/colleagues about what it is that he does to prioritise you? Or, hsa the entire argument just already completely fluttered out of his mind and/or he's now feeling happy because he "won" and he doesn't have to change anything?

sounds like he was just deflecting by turning around your complaint.

To me this isn’t about ‘little ways to show you care’ type of thing. It’s sometimes about big compromises or concessions, sometimes not appreciated!

My DH’s job and preferred location to live is prioritised over mine and has been since DC1 was born (now a teen). Linked to this he does much less weekday parenting and weekday domestic work than I do, and has more freedom, eg to go out in London after work. He uses some of his annual leave for fun things with friends/family.

Doesn’t it? I would say that is supporting his career, by taking on his duties. And you think it’s so irrelevant it doesn’t even need an acknowledgement? (Although of course it needs to be done). He probably didn’t even ask her- just informed/instructed her to do it.

I would love to know what you actually count as putting someone first.

He needs to say what he wants.

Proactively, I notice when he's tired and take our child out to a morning activity at the weekend to give him time to himself. On the flip side, he brings me a flask of coffee on the odd Saturday and tells me to take my time.

Reactively, he has asked for certain needs to be met, like a quiet half hour when we get into bed before sleep rather than idle chat.

When we've hit the odd rough patch (15 years so bound to happen occasionally), we talk and discuss problems and decide on a few actions we want the other to work on, agree them, and have a monthly talk to see if ifs working better. It always is because its easier to focus on a couple of specifics and feel like you're working together as a team rather than fighting and blaming the other one. X

This! Your examples show he hardly considers you or your feelings.
One thing I do is to make what I'm doing for my DH explicit. E.g 'I've prepped vegetarian dishes for you DH as I know you don't want to eat meat atm' 'I've sorted everything out for when you're away so you don't have to worry' He'll have to thank you then. You get the picture 😉

He doesn't want to understand.

You both work full time, you have two DC, you are doing all the catering based on his needs, you pick up his "house" share when he goes away and he's ignoring that because even with both of you in FT paid work its still your basic job to pander to his wants at home and then think of something else to do for "extras". Its a common mindset.

Also why are you doing the washing up when you have done all the catering and cooking? DId he have two broken arms? What stops him getting involved in tidying up after you both finish work considering you are doing catering, cooking and apparently washing up?

I'm bored shitless of men who want the financial income benefits of full time wives but don't want to pick up their share at home or appreciate the person who does it on top of their day job. It reminds me of the recent thread from a SAHM whose husband wanted her to get a full time job but not "too big" a job so that his own life continued to benefit fully from the man-with-SAHM lifestyle but with extra money.

If I were doing all that you do and had had a DH whinging that it wasn't "special enough for him" the very last thing I would be doing is stressing about how to do even more special stuff for him. I might well have suggested "google for cleaners".

I know you crossed that sentence out, OP, but
I put both myself and my husband first by not having kids together.

What does he mean 'keep things tidy'?

Unless he's doing all the housework and you're running round leaving shit everywhere each time his back his turned, how is it your responsibility to 'keep things tidy'.

He can't expect military standards of organisation at home and if he does, he can do it. If he's come up through the ranks, at least he'll appreciate that it doesn't all happen by magic and requires teamwork from all involved.

If it's your DC making the mess, you both need to pick up the pieces and parent them to do their bit in an age appropriate way.

When I read this I can’t think of ways I put him first. But we have a good relationship and really get on well. I think maybe I show it through showing I respect him? I don’t question things he does with the kids, if he’s told them off I back him up, we are a united front lol we don’t make unilateral decisions idk I put him first by showing him I value his opinions and ideas? I don’t give him his dinner before the kids and if there’s not enough cheese for 2 jacket potatos his one with be less cheesey 😂 hahaha

There's quite a lot of piling on here but I think it will all be useful to someone even if it's not all relevant to us
To clarify
He likes the house tidy. Clutter (that comes with 2 kids and 2 FT jobs) stresses him out. It doesn't help that I am not naturally a tidy person (but have learnt to be more of one since living together). I try to notice but things that bother him don't bother me. (Although they are starting to).
We share responsibilities 50/50. I do dropoffs, he does pick ups. (I was giving that example as if I was working away then I would make sure my roles were covered, by him or if he couldn't, in some other way). He does the laundry, I do the cooking etc etc.
He doesn't spend hours of family time doing the things he loves. He is a good dad and a kind person. I just think he forgets that I like to feel thought of, and maybe a bit special sometimes.
He does turn things around when I complain. Not quite DARVO but definitely a defence mechanism. Probably family related. He is shit at apologising.

But thanks so much in particular to early comments we had a chat at lunch (both WFH today). I tried to explain about what I meant and he said he does think about me (like always on the look out for a new job for me as he knows its stressful) but that I don't necessarily notice. So I've asked him to tell me. I also pointed out some of the stuff I do.
And yes we ended up agreeing that we'll do a bit declutter this weekend because that's stressing him out but we are a partnership! I do want us both to be happy.
I think I could up the ante following some of the suggestions here. I think we both don't necessarily appreciate each other enough. But I will start reminding him more to appreciate me 😆

I don't know if I would describe it as putting her first but thing that I do to make sure DW feels happy, safe, cared for etc are:

I make sure the cupboards and freezer are always full because she grew up very poor and feels more secure knowing that there is food in. I also used to make lists of meals that can be made from these ingredients because I'm the cook and she didn't see meals if that makes sense, now she knows magic will just happen so I don't do the list.

I always do a deep clean on her last working day before annual leave so that she feels like the relaxation is starting straight away.

I do any messy / gross jobs, it's not even a discussion.

I do all of the driving and rarely say no to driving her anywhere, she can drive but was in a bad crash and really doesn't like to.

Things that she does for me:

All of the budgeting, bills etc because my brain really struggles to work that way.

Always backs me no matter what, still brags on me to her friends (they must be sick of hearing how amazing I am, even I roll my eyes).

Does the cleaning most of the time because although I could manage it I have a chronic pain condition and would probably be unable to walk afterwards.

Never complains if I want to change plans due to pain / not feeling up to something, we just change the plans and enjoy chilling together at home.

These aren't exhaustive lists but they are things that are unequal in our relationship because one of us is making an effort / allowances for the other and therefore there isn't any resentment about doing them.

I think the issue in the OP is more that there appears to be resentment, something isn't feeling balanced.

He likes the house tidy
Tell him to crack on then!
What is it with these Sergeant Major DHs on here recently.

He sounds controlling

I don't try and fix practical things for him. He has to do that. (The exception is a 2 yearly wardrobe cull). But when he's low, frustrated, uncertain, anxious, I make sure I carve out time to spend with him, both doing something we enjoy, and do my best to listen.

I was just thinking that surely when you've got small children yourself and your DH never come first? That's how it is in my house

I'm sure they have to come first and their (emotionally mature) Dad understands.