Not contributing in a work meeting

[SidekickSally]

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it’s unacceptable and quite frankly pathetic to sit in a work meeting with a group of colleagues and not be able to contribute as a subject matter expert without someone else inviting them in to the discussion. And then they go red and stumble on a couple of words.

That non-contributing person is me. It’s an age old problem that I struggle with. I’m in a well paid senior position managing quite a few people. I’m fine in most situations where I am leading the team. However in certain meetings with peers my level I can’t articulate what I want to say, or I hold back completely. It is a throwback to my childhood where I was very shy and quiet and even though I thought I can now manage that, it rears it’s ugly head when I need to be contributing as that is what I am paid to do and what is expected. Am sick of it and need to manage it better. I don’t know what my peers must think of me!

does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice as to how to manage this?

I don't have any words of wisdom but I believe EMDR can be an effective therapy for social anxiety of this kind. You can find a registered professional through the EMDR Association UK or Europe.

It must be so debilitating. I hope you can overcome it.

I completely empathise and it really is a case of fake it till you make it.

Before each meeting, note down what you would like to contribute and read over it until you are comfortable with it.
Get in there and join at a relevant time with out being asked. Does t need to be anything massive, just start off with simple small things until you are used to speaking in the group.

During the meeting jot down as you go points that would make for discussion and just go for it.
Write them down- questions, thoughts and say them out loud.

You will get there but it's excruciating if it's not a strong point at first

Have you thought about about getting a coach to help you work in this.

It is irritating when the SME can't/won't speak in meetings. They might as well not bother attending.

That said, you're clearly acknowledging that it's a problem and interfering with your effectiveness at work. Great! I'd research a therapist or coach and ask for my line manager's support to practice what you learn.

I used to feel like I had to know everything before I could contribute and over time I have realised what I always suspected in that everyone is flying by the seat of their pants. That’s helped me have more confidence in my own contributions.

Also, whoever is chairing the meeting should be accommodating of the different personalities in the room. If that isn’t you perhaps speak to the chair ahead of the meeting and suggest ways they can ensure they invite comment and contribution from everyone in the meeting.

You have got this OP!

I think you are being very hard on yourself. In my work (all highly educated professionals) there are very varying levels of contribution in meetings. Some people are naturally reserved, I would never judge them for that and I don't think others do either. Let's face it, what matters is whether you do your job well, not how much you say in meetings! By all means work on it if it's something you want to do, but I doubt it is as much of a problem as you think it is. You could always try asking a trusted colleague for feedback if you need reassurance.

Lots of people feel like you OP you are definitely not alone in this

Sometimes it helps to do something like volunteer at a local Am Dram group or singing in a choir. It gives your self esteem a real boost when you get encouragement to articulate and lots of advice on how to overcome stage fright.

@oatmy maybe it depends on the industry but at my work it is definitely noted if you don't contribute to meetings.
The meetings are a collaboration of ideas and discussions on big issues that require the people chosen to attend to agree and offer their knowledge and opinions on.

Not contributing is seen as not being prepared or up to date with what's going on with the business and is definitely looked upon unfavourably.

Op recognises this and is rightly trying to address it

Do you suffer from social anxiety in general or is it just this type of situation?
Have you tried or considered therapy?
What was your childhood and relationship with your parents like?

I can relate to this OP. Sometimes I'm fine in meetings but often I end up a red faced, bumbling idiot.

You are clearly stuck in a repeating pattern and probably based on beliefs and ideas from your past. Some kind of therapy may help.Also - you are assuming people have an idea about your difficulties, but they may not really notice or have a judgement about it either way. We often think that people think much more about us and our actions than they actually do. You are assuming negative judgement from your peers - but again, there is nothing to say that they are judging you harshly. Calling yourself or your behaviour pathetic is also too harsh. Can you be more factual - even a reframe from 'I am pathetic' to 'I sometimes find these situations challenging' can change your emotional reaction and lower your anxiety. Practice breathing and relaxation skills (box breathing for example), maybe look for tips on public speaking online, and give yourself a break. Sometimes you go red. Sometimes you stumble over your words. Big deal. I once cried in a management team meeting. I doubt anyone remembers now.

@oatmy it depends on the role and the industry. If an SME's input is needed for collaboration, information or external communication purposes, it matters an awful lot if they don't/won't contribute in a meeting.

I totally relate. I think the hardest thing is that first comment. The longer it goes on, the bigger it becomes in your mind. I try to ask a question early on, even if it's just a clarification question, to try and get over that hurdle. Or latch on to someone else's good point and say I agree and then add something of my own. Or I try to chair the meeting.

I'm what I'd say am an outgoing confident person and am never shy in contributing or speaking up.
I'm usually the one who has to chair the meetings but despite that I know there's a few members on the team who really are not keen in speaking in a group.

Everyone has different personalities and I never ever judge them for that. I always close the meeting by offering anyone who has any further ideas/contributions to email them over and often some of the quieter members of the team will contribute that way. Then the beginning of the next meeting those ideas are put on the table to start with along with anyone else who had further thoughts.

Basically don't be so hard on yourself as no one has ever come to me to complain about quieter people.

As adults you know there are people who struggle with all sorts of things and have different strengths. Some of the quiet ones are the most knowledgeable and have been of invaluable help to me.

Oh wow, I really appreciate all of this advice. Yes, I am definitely stuck in a repeating pattern in certain situations. Mainly when it’s with people more senior to me so I need to understand that. They are senior in grade, I am more senior in age and experience to them all.

My childhood was great, I’ve just always struggled with speaking up, especially in groups. And as I’m beginning to realise, groups where I am not leading but am expected to offer expertise or an opinion.

I do think a coach would be very worthwhile and I’ll speak to my manager about this. It was my manager who brought me in to the discussion in the meeting earlier today, I could almost read their thoughts in their face thinking come on, you know this, why aren’t you saying anything.

, I could almost read their thoughts in their face thinking come on, you know this, why aren’t you saying anything.

Yep, and that is the kind of thought you really need to be working on challenging. We dont know what your boss said, you are projecting and because of your anxiety assuming their thoughts to be negative. A coach or therapist could really help you with that. Good luck!

To be honest, I've often thought that the amount of talking people do in meetings often seems to be inversely proportional to how much of value they can contribute - so you having a lot to contribute but not feeling able to speak is probably not that unusual.

You'd be amazed at how many people struggle in meetings. I still bad at it but am getting better, just by forcing myself. I find it easier to speak in front of loads of people than contribute, to a meeting, I have no idea why. I feel like there is something physically stopping me, just like putting my hand up at school. Except I'm not at school I'm nearly 40 and in a professional job!

Yes, very true. And Thankyou.
I feel a lot better just even saying all of this out loud (on mumsnet 😂) vs going home and stewing in my own self pity.

I went on a speaking with confidence course and it really helped me with simple tips like positioning myself in the room and prep,

Glad to hear that @SidekickSally . I did a public speaking course 30 years ago and still use the ideas. I think speaking up early, and faking confidence are also helpful - think of someone really confident and pretend you are them, do what they would do. Hope it goes well for you.

I can present well to lots of people too, I think it’s because it because it’s well prepared and controlled and rehearsed

I could have written this word for word! I find it baffling because in social situations, you can't shut me up. And I was really very confident as a child and well into my teens. People are generally very surprised when I tell them how I feel about contributing in meetings.

When in a formal meeting, I genuinely can't steady my voice or string a coherent sentence together. It's a wonder I'm still employed and doing rather well at that 😂

To add, I took a course focusing on communication skills. It was centred around this very issue; communicating effectively in work meetings. It didn't help me at all. I think I'm a lost cause.

Hello

Senior manager here in a technical role in the City.

Half my team are like this. They are beyond excellent and everyone ignores it and just appreciates the incredible contribution they make to the company. Some of our most senior executives are even worse - same thing, everyone respects and ignores it. It takes all types. My cleverest guy will sometimes say “let me think on it and I’ll map it out and send you a note”.

I am also like this with more senior people. I manage it by a) plan out one thing I plan to say before the meeting and write it down and memorise it b) don’t sweat it when I inevitably drool on my own shoes. I genuinely care less now and when it does follow me home and I feel embarrassed etc I just try to breathe through it and talk to myself like I would one of my juniors. You can also make a joke of it to yourself and others - people get it. Or try zoom meetings and read off your screen what you want to say

Oh and I have an exec coach and she helped me write down a few phrases for different situations such as a) I don’t know b) I don’t want to commit to that c) don’t be rude. I have these saved and memorised.

Best of luck!