Not contributing in a work meeting

[SidekickSally]

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it’s unacceptable and quite frankly pathetic to sit in a work meeting with a group of colleagues and not be able to contribute as a subject matter expert without someone else inviting them in to the discussion. And then they go red and stumble on a couple of words.

That non-contributing person is me. It’s an age old problem that I struggle with. I’m in a well paid senior position managing quite a few people. I’m fine in most situations where I am leading the team. However in certain meetings with peers my level I can’t articulate what I want to say, or I hold back completely. It is a throwback to my childhood where I was very shy and quiet and even though I thought I can now manage that, it rears it’s ugly head when I need to be contributing as that is what I am paid to do and what is expected. Am sick of it and need to manage it better. I don’t know what my peers must think of me!

does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice as to how to manage this?

A lot of women feel like this because they get talked over by men.

You could look up Esther Stanhope - she has lots of tips for presenting and general workplace advancement.

I second the trick of asking a clarifying question as early as possible, or quickly coming in to reinforce or praise someone else’s comment. Hearing your own voice out loud can somehow breaks the ice of your own nervousness. Then it is easier to subsequently come in with a substantive comment.

Another thing that might help is looking for a few more opportunities to chat less formal chat type discussions with the people most often involved outside the meetings.

It helps to break down that ‘you’re senior and intimidating’ barrier a bit in some people’s head.

Sympathies OP, you’re definitely not alone with this problem. Like a PP, I am fine standing up and speaking to a room full of people but become this pathetic, wobbly, bumbling wreck when I have to speak in meetings - I think it’s so ingrained now that I’m not sure I’ll ever master it.

It is important to speak up if you are the SME, but of course that can sometimes be daunting so don’t be hard on yourself.

Find a tactic that prepares you to speak, i.e subtle breathing techniques of taking a sip of water. Have some key points in mind before you go into the meeting so you are prepared.

Position yourself where you can make eye contact with people you feel comfortable with or you can draw on as allies if things become contentious.

The more you speak up the more you will get used to it and feel comfortable.

Remember people respect your opinion which is why they are looking to you to talk.

Also don’t feel you need to say a lot or waffle, keep it concise and to the point.

This is better than being one of those people that won't shut up but says nothing of value and repeats platitudes or points which have already been made. Making notes of what you want to say can be helpful. I'm not great at being put on the spot myself so always prep, but not being good at coming up with things off the cuff isn't a bad thing... sometimes it's better to go away and think and come back with something fully formed... you can always email/message people after the fact with additional thoughts.

Who is chairing these meetings? It's their job to get the right people to speak and stop others waffling on and not letting anyone get a word in edgeways. Online meetings are particularly bad for this.

Go to your GP and get propranolol - it's a game changer for this type of performance anxiety and you would just take it for the meetings, not daily. It's a beta blocker but stops all of the stress reactions so that you come across far more confident and coherent. You might only need it for a short while until you 'unblock' the anxiety/speaking cycle you have in meetings. When I went to the GP he said loads of doctors take it for presenting at ward rounds etc.

What really grinds my gears right now is the opposite - people talking so much and not knowing how to pause so that people who do have the actual listening skills that they lack can respond. Often quieter team members are observing and and taking in what others are saying/getting a feel for overall themes etc. If I interrupt I might miss something valuable but others should be equally concerned with listening and not monopolising the space. Agree with others who say that meetings aren't the be all and end all, I often prefer to reflect and then share my thoughts after.

I always write down two or three bullet points of what I’d like to say so when my turn comes I can start with that as a minimum. I find that, once I get started, it normally flows better!

"It’s unacceptable and quite frankly pathetic"

I was ready to tell you how horrible you were being about your colleague until I read further and you were talking about yourself.

I think your first step is to challenge your inner dialogue- if you wouldn't say it or say it in that way to a friend why on earth would you say it to yourself. This needs to be your new motto.

I think exposure and practice is key. I used to be the exact same in certain work settings but now I barely prepare for them because I'm confident in my own knowledge and I know how to talk more confidently in those settings now. But that took practice, lots of exposure and really addressing my own inner thoughts and feelings through mentally challenging myself and utilising counselling. I also deliberately asked my work to put me forward for public speaking roles to push myself and to practice and I actually got really good at it. There are also clubs you can join to practice these skills or ask your work to facilitate training for you in that area to help you feel more confident.

The other thing to remember is that I think most people get nervous speaking in front of others, but some people are just better at hiding it than others. I wouldn't see you as pathetic or think it was unacceptable in the slightest.

I had an issue when we came back from covid where I had to speak to large groups, I used to love doing that but for some reason after covid I was frozen and could not get my words together. A coach helped me though this issur and it was very beneficial. Work actually paid for the coach as part of their self development package. I would suggest a coach, as you have identified yourself it is not an ideal situation and to grow in your career you need to address it.

Sounds just like I used to be, OP.
In my case though, it spilled over into social situations with people I didn’t know well.
I tried various training courses and coaching, but nothing really helped until I started Sertraline 50mg daily. Now I can speak freely in meetings and to people I don’t know socially without the “barrier” I used to always feel, and the blushing and stumbling over my words. I am still a quiet person, I don’t contribute massively in meetings. But when I do have something to say, I can do so without hesitation.

i used to have exactly this experience but over the last few years with the support of therapy I'm a lot better and now feel much more confident to speak, somethings that helped...

1. Even before you go into the meeting you'll be anticipating how you're going to feel which causes you to be anxious. As a result your body will go into fight, flight or in this case freeze which is why you feel like your mind has gone blank and can't get words out. As silly as it sounds you need to get your body going again so go to the loo and dance or shake about or do some star jumps. Anything to get out of the freeze state. You'll find your mind much clearer
2. In the meeting try to be mindful of what other people are saying and really listen to them rather than your own thoughts. Recognise if you're starting to disengage from the conversation and rather than ruminating on what you should say try to become conscious of your breathing and breathe out for longer than you breathe in. You can count if it helps but any breath that's longer on the out breath than the in is calming.
3. if you want to or need to make a point you don't need to have the whole sentence in your head, this used to muddle me as I used to try to think of the whole question or point before I said anything. Just know the first few words you'll say and honestly the rest will come. This is hard to have faith in to start with but will come with practice.
4. if you come out of a meeting and you think you went wrong remember that no one is paying as much attention to you as you think they are!

good luck, you sound brilliant and I hope everyone gets the benefit of seeing that

I was going to say this. And if it's proper bad anxiety, sertraline. I used to absolutely dread meetings and would panic if someone asked me a question. Then later on I was put on sertraline for general and social anxiety, and I've noticed that as a pleasant side effect meetings have got easier. 😁

I'm like you in one circumstance only. There's a guy slightly senior to me who is inconsistent, can be very abrasive, can be belittling. These behaviours show when he's anxious himself so it's a issue he has but it does affect my motivation to speak.

I try to do it because I know if he snaps , it will be him that will be judged by others not me. I'm also sure he's like it with some of them too (although he knows the ballsy ones - he wont do it to them!). It does make me stumble words and not articulate things clearly though.

I'm nearly 60 and beyond fighting now. I do a good job. In many ways we work well together. At least the job gets done well.

These tips are all great.
I prefer teams meetings as I can write notes in preparation to speak during the meeting and can “raise hand” which is easier that finding a gap in the conversation. But lots of my meetings are face to face now so I can’t rely on that.

And yes I definitely do need to address my internal dialogue as I am my own biggest critic and have massive imposter syndrome. A coach would really help plus some of the tips you’ve all suggested.

Accept yourself and own it. Yeh, this isn't what you're good at, but you are good at other things. You can't be perfect at everything. Many people who talk, and talk in meetings are crap at delivering.

Understand the agenda. Take in points. Speak early. Have phrases such as 'can you go back a slide. Can you clarify that point'. If you only make a few points that's fine. You can say something as simple as 'that's interesting. Let me think on it and I'm sure I can come back with something.'

My director now says to me to think on something and come back with some ideas.

Champion good meeting etiquette. Timed agenda. Material sent out early. Acceptance of the different ways people participate. Use a chat function, or post it notes. Send in ideas pre meeting.

Quite like the propranolol suggestion…..might help with general imposter syndrome anxiety too?

Yeah, i tend to agree with this.

I'm a bit like you OP, I'm fine talking to peers or managers in a group but there's something about a meeting that causes me to really overthink and be anxious. I will think of something and wait for the right time to say it and it just never arrives and I get really frustrated with myself.

Meanwhile Jim from ops is blathering on about really obvious stuff and I'm internally rolling my eyes at what he thinks is valuable enough to say out loud.

It dropped my heart rate low enough for my Garmin to buzz. Sent me into a panic that my heart would stop!

If I could edit my post still I'd correct all the typos!

I listened to a presentation at work on imposter syndrome and it really resonated with me. She was a very high up senior leader and hated contributing, couldn't speak in meetings etc but told herself that people do want to hear what she has to say, her points are as valid as anyone else's who may be speaking louder than her.

I have this dichotomy at work too, but what helps me is preparing a few bullets about the topic and asking questions before the meeting - just a few factual points before the discussion.

I work in a complex area, and lots of it is dependent on context, so asking questions before and during helps me feel competent - and look competent.

When I have students afraid to speak I suggest trying to say one thing per lesson to get going. If they can do it early great - they're done. Make a note of it as a success in your diary

Do you have a colleague who could invite you into conversation for a bit to get you used to speaking more, and build that into some more independence?

Watch videos of some reality shows and in particular how they break into conversations

I was put on propranolol for migraine prevention but could only take a low dose (20mg twice a day) as it dropped my blood pressure low.

It didn't help that much but I've found it so useful for anxiety in general, and in particular work presentations and meetings. It really helps stop the feelings of panic / racing heart.