Not contributing in a work meeting

[SidekickSally]

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it’s unacceptable and quite frankly pathetic to sit in a work meeting with a group of colleagues and not be able to contribute as a subject matter expert without someone else inviting them in to the discussion. And then they go red and stumble on a couple of words.

That non-contributing person is me. It’s an age old problem that I struggle with. I’m in a well paid senior position managing quite a few people. I’m fine in most situations where I am leading the team. However in certain meetings with peers my level I can’t articulate what I want to say, or I hold back completely. It is a throwback to my childhood where I was very shy and quiet and even though I thought I can now manage that, it rears it’s ugly head when I need to be contributing as that is what I am paid to do and what is expected. Am sick of it and need to manage it better. I don’t know what my peers must think of me!

does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice as to how to manage this?

Some people need time to respond - you are most probably an introvert.
I read Susan Cain's book Quiet and found it really helpful.

For the blushing, I used to use a scar covering makeup which was excellent. You apply it in layers and it can give total coverage. Wear a scarf if you blush on your neck too.

Try and concentrate, really focus on what people are saying and also watch them too instead of worrying about how you seem to them.

I am an introvert most definitely, I do need time to organise my thoughts and reflect. Unfortunately where I am now in my career there is often not that opportunity during a meeting itself so I need to prep as much in advance and practice some of the tips suggested

Hi there - I could have written this exact post a few months ago! I would second EMDR - I have found it to be quite miraculous in terms of feeling able to speak up confidently in those situations.
You could start, though, by just speaking more kindly about yourself - it's all linked. EMDR literally helps you process and pack away the root cause for your awkwardness and reprogrammes your subconscious with more helpful core beliefs about yourself. It has been an absolute life saver for me.

If I'm a bit stuck or panicking I tend to show my cards and be honest, "ah sorry, I always find when someone calls on me in a meeting my mind goes immediately blank, if you just give me two minutes to find this info and then come back to me" - people appreciate someone admitting to being human and it can make everyone relax their jaws a bit.

I guarantee you pretty much everyone else in that meeting is also winging it, they're just covering it up better than you.

Hey Op, there are loads of us about who are the same. I could have written the post myself a few years ago.
This is the way I look at it, people like us (sorry i know I don’t know you), but likely we have similar personality traits by the sound of it - imposter syndrome, reserved, have always felt a bit socially awkward in groups, but yet we are great on a 1-2-1 and love a good chat and really know our stuff at work.
Don’t be so hard on yourself - we don’t like to be the centre of attention, the one that everyone looks at, but I get where you are coming from at work - sometimes we have to. The reason you go red/you can’t think, you know is the anxiety doing its thing. You can’t control anxiety but you can wear it as your backpack whilst you ‘walk the talk’.
It’s all in the breath, it’s a fact - practice the belly breathing technique - google it - when out of the situation daily. Then before you enter the meeting acknowledge your backpack of anxiety’ tell it you know it’s there/you know your stuff as your an SME so can help others/acknowledge to yourself that if you go red or stutter that’s ok too - as you will pause and take a breath (it’s ok to say ‘my mind has gone blank come back to me in a bit’ - make notes before you go in to help you on your way).
Every time you are in that situation and you deal with it in this way it will lessen the power of your anxiety. It was holding me back at work big time, still does I suppose, but I can’t make myself into something I’m not. Some people really do love the sound of their own voice (when you listen in meetings) fortunately we are a bit more self aware - but perhaps too self aware!
I’m not saying you’re going to love talking in meetings, but you have voice that is worth listening to (you wouldn’t have got the job otherwise), you know your stuff so share it people want to listen to hear it.

Why not contribute at least a little by saying you agree /disagree with someone who does say something. By agreeing with someone it would show you in a good way. That might be all that is needed really. You will have said something even if not by very much.

Feel your pain. And I have team members who also feel the same.

If appropriate you could ask the mtg organiser in advance to ask you a question, with some steer on what the question might be. Sometimes asking what the organiser thinks your contribution could be helps. So for example with one of my new team members I will tell them beforehand that I intend to call on them in the mtg to give their view on X. Just a little bit of pre warning sometimes helps, they can formulate in advance, deliver and this helps them appreciate that I've asked them to be there because I genuinely want to benefit from their input. An inclusive mtg leader will check in with the quieter members anyway.

That said, I'm going through the menopause and if I get asked something in a mtg at the moment I can't even recall the name of the person asking me. So doesn't always work.

I feel your pain....

This is exactly what I was going to say! I get palpitations, sweaty palms etc. due to impostor syndrome when I give lectures, even though I am actually an expert. It's bloody ridiculous. I take a propranolol an hour before a lecture and I am SO calm and I can think much more clearly, and actually listen to questions properly from the audience instead of being self-conscious. Highly recommend!

It wouldn't be my style. I like being very involved and asking plenty of questions etc. But some people are a bit shy and don't thrive in that environment.

Inwardly I am exactly the same as you. I hate speaking up in group settings, particularly at work.

Other posters have mentioned faking it until you make it and that is 100% the case with me. Latch onto a fairly easy problem or question and answer confidently and then you've said something and contributed.

Who is heading these meetings. Any decent manager would ensure that every single participant got the chance to participate. Even if they only nodded and said they agreed.

You are talking about yourself very harshly and unkindly. I think you could start my being a bit more compassionate with yourself.

If notes and prep makes teams meetings easier - then can definitely do the same in face to face.

Face to face meetings and paper notes are an absolutely ok combination. Whether that’s print outs of supporting notes, notebook, print out of last m ratings slides with annotations or whatever works.

I know, I’d never judge my own team the way I judge myself.

One thing I've done in the past is force myself to say something really early in the meeting. Even if it's something really innocuous.

It's like once I've used my voice once, I'm then much more confident to speak again in the meeting.

In our meetings at the end, we always go round the table to give feedback on work we've been doing.
Could you suggest this? Then at least you can prep and you will have contributed.

I have this as well although really in my current postion it's not an option to be like this.

Some things that help me are:

In an in person meeting sit close to the person leading the meeting. For me it's easier to feel I am talking to them rather than projecting my voice down the table or across the room.

Speak early in the meeting. The first contribution is the hardest.

Your voice is at least as valuable as the others. How many times have your colleagues made an inaccurate or non relevant comment without seeming to worry about it and what's more no one else in the room worries about it.

Most people forget who said what after the meeting as they are on to the next thing.

Taking a few moments to prepare will help as you then have an opportunity to say that most of what you had concerns about or wanted to share has been covered but additionally these aspects should be considered.

Having an ally in the room whether it's the meeting leader, your manager or a colleague can support you and if you feel comfortable you should ask for their support.

So for example your manager could say Jane and I were discussing this point earlier, will hand over to Jane for her view as she had a much clearer idea than me on the best way to proceed.

Remember don't overthink just do. It takes practice and you might have to make a conscious effort for a while to overcome this.

I struggle too with this OP.

Agree with pp saying speak early in the meeting. Also I try to ask questions until I feel more confident to venture my own opinion. That way I'm still participating and getting my voice heard.

If you are looking into coaching check out

www.vanessacuddeford.com/home1

She's great & I think would be able to help with some of the things you mention - she's got some good free tips and techniques on Instagram too.

I'd much rather more people said nothing so the meeting could be over and I can get some actual work done. The worst thimg is windbags talking about nothing, or a meeting that could have been an email.

I've come to realise in the last few years that my contributions are at least likely to be as sensible as those of anyone else, and that I have a voice and I am every bit as entitled as anyone else to use it.

Another vote for propranolol here. I tried CBT and it didn’t work then went into this on a low dose, take it an hour before a meeting or presentation where I anticipate anxiety and it’s been amazing and unblocks the physical reaction so u can talk normally.