First some background so it's not a drip feed.
I have known this person for 15 years now. We are both neurodivergent, which I realise comes with hurdles because existing in a neurotypical world is exhausting in itself, but she is driving me up the wall. Both of us are in our 40s. We have previously been flatmates.
Flatmate situation first. She is a hoarder which I cannot cope with at all. Fortunately I didn't have to endure that for long because she moved out, but I am someone who longs for a minimal space with no clutter. I blew up at her once because she had a room in the flat that was full of old papers she had printed from the internet in Tesco bags, and it was so old that the Tesco bags had started to break down into this weird flaky stuff. I gave her a time period to clear it out, but she didn't so I went in and cleared it one weekend when she was away with a now ex boyfriend. It was stuff like web pages about rabbits and other small animals. She got upset with me but I stood my ground and she had to accept it. She won't get help for this.
She has a binge eating disorder that she also refuses to get help for. I have also battled an ED, so I know it's hard work but you can beat them. She is morbidly obese and her parents have been trying to encourage her to do something about it, but it falls on deaf ears. She complains about back ache all the time and other stuff which are a result of her size. I used to be a size 22, but I got my shit together and I'm now maintain a size 14 with a balanced diet. All she does is moan and I'm sick of hearing it to be honest. She refuses to help herself, and despite trying to be supportive and recognising the depression aspect of things in her, she does nothing to address it.
She has medical anxiety, which she has woken me up with at several times of night freaking out about ridiculous things, and I now refuse to pander to it. I lost my shit at her once badly, I know it wasn't great, but I basically told her that waking me up because she's convinced herself she's got cancer at 3am and I'm the only person who could talk her down, was too much and I now have her on mute for every avenue of communication. She goes on YouTube and watches stuff that sets her off and then loses her mind, and it was pissing me off so I told her off. If she gets a slight sniffle she will blow it out of all proportion and I don't have time for it. She is medicated but doesn't always take it, and then complains when she feels crap.
She can barely cook and makes no effort to learn despite me showing her how to do things when we previously lived together. Her parents do her washing, and her mum does her cleaning. Rather than encouraging her to do these things for herself, they just do it because if they don't, it won't get done and she ends up in squalor. Her hoarding, the fact that she doesn't clean up after herself are some of the reason I told her she had to move out because I couldn't handle it anymore. She would eat an entire multi pack of crisps and then leave the packets everywhere. Same with bars of chocolate etc.
When she has come to visit in the past for birthdays etc, she basically sits on her arse and leaves me to do absolutely everything, knowing full well that I have my own health issues that I work hard to cope with. I take care of people who visit but a gesture like helping me with dishes or cleaning up clutter that she's made would be helpful, but no. She does nothing. The last time she visited, she blocked my toilet and I had to deal with it. She also has shocking personal hygiene which I used to think was due to her size and her finding it difficult to shower and bathe, but she says she's always struggled with it before she ballooned.
The main issue for me is that she just won't do anything to help herself, and she will only see one doctor even when others are available.
Dealing with her is like trying to cope with a whiny toddler, except she's a grown woman who just expects people to cater to her because "life's too hard" and she can't do for herself. Her ex boyfriend dumped her because of how she is, and I'm not surprised.
There's a lot of other stuff and this is already too long, but I am worn out dealing with her crap when I've got my own to deal with. I had a major mental break myself last year after my mum became ill and I thought she was going to die.
I have tried to be compassionate. Being ND is far from easy and it's a spectrum we are both on, but I honestly think she takes the piss at times and I'm done with it. My sympathy has run out and all I feel now is resentment. Whenever I see a message from her now I sigh and think FFS what now?!
Am I being unreasonable to withdraw? Nothing ever changes and I'm fed up of being an avenue for her constant moaning, and her unwillingness to do anything for herself. I have my own shit to deal with.
Thank you for your time. 🌺