To withdraw from exhausting friend

[dittogrey]

First some background so it's not a drip feed.

I have known this person for 15 years now. We are both neurodivergent, which I realise comes with hurdles because existing in a neurotypical world is exhausting in itself, but she is driving me up the wall. Both of us are in our 40s. We have previously been flatmates.

Flatmate situation first. She is a hoarder which I cannot cope with at all. Fortunately I didn't have to endure that for long because she moved out, but I am someone who longs for a minimal space with no clutter. I blew up at her once because she had a room in the flat that was full of old papers she had printed from the internet in Tesco bags, and it was so old that the Tesco bags had started to break down into this weird flaky stuff. I gave her a time period to clear it out, but she didn't so I went in and cleared it one weekend when she was away with a now ex boyfriend. It was stuff like web pages about rabbits and other small animals. She got upset with me but I stood my ground and she had to accept it. She won't get help for this.

She has a binge eating disorder that she also refuses to get help for. I have also battled an ED, so I know it's hard work but you can beat them. She is morbidly obese and her parents have been trying to encourage her to do something about it, but it falls on deaf ears. She complains about back ache all the time and other stuff which are a result of her size. I used to be a size 22, but I got my shit together and I'm now maintain a size 14 with a balanced diet. All she does is moan and I'm sick of hearing it to be honest. She refuses to help herself, and despite trying to be supportive and recognising the depression aspect of things in her, she does nothing to address it.

She has medical anxiety, which she has woken me up with at several times of night freaking out about ridiculous things, and I now refuse to pander to it. I lost my shit at her once badly, I know it wasn't great, but I basically told her that waking me up because she's convinced herself she's got cancer at 3am and I'm the only person who could talk her down, was too much and I now have her on mute for every avenue of communication. She goes on YouTube and watches stuff that sets her off and then loses her mind, and it was pissing me off so I told her off. If she gets a slight sniffle she will blow it out of all proportion and I don't have time for it. She is medicated but doesn't always take it, and then complains when she feels crap.

She can barely cook and makes no effort to learn despite me showing her how to do things when we previously lived together. Her parents do her washing, and her mum does her cleaning. Rather than encouraging her to do these things for herself, they just do it because if they don't, it won't get done and she ends up in squalor. Her hoarding, the fact that she doesn't clean up after herself are some of the reason I told her she had to move out because I couldn't handle it anymore. She would eat an entire multi pack of crisps and then leave the packets everywhere. Same with bars of chocolate etc.

When she has come to visit in the past for birthdays etc, she basically sits on her arse and leaves me to do absolutely everything, knowing full well that I have my own health issues that I work hard to cope with. I take care of people who visit but a gesture like helping me with dishes or cleaning up clutter that she's made would be helpful, but no. She does nothing. The last time she visited, she blocked my toilet and I had to deal with it. She also has shocking personal hygiene which I used to think was due to her size and her finding it difficult to shower and bathe, but she says she's always struggled with it before she ballooned.

The main issue for me is that she just won't do anything to help herself, and she will only see one doctor even when others are available.

Dealing with her is like trying to cope with a whiny toddler, except she's a grown woman who just expects people to cater to her because "life's too hard" and she can't do for herself. Her ex boyfriend dumped her because of how she is, and I'm not surprised.

There's a lot of other stuff and this is already too long, but I am worn out dealing with her crap when I've got my own to deal with. I had a major mental break myself last year after my mum became ill and I thought she was going to die.

I have tried to be compassionate. Being ND is far from easy and it's a spectrum we are both on, but I honestly think she takes the piss at times and I'm done with it. My sympathy has run out and all I feel now is resentment. Whenever I see a message from her now I sigh and think FFS what now?!

Am I being unreasonable to withdraw? Nothing ever changes and I'm fed up of being an avenue for her constant moaning, and her unwillingness to do anything for herself. I have my own shit to deal with.

Thank you for your time. 🌺

Just to add, if you’re going to distance, I would stop short of completely abandoning her, especially if you’re her only friend, but lay everything out and it might give her a kick up the arse.

Message her letting her know that you care and it’s upsetting you to see her in the situation she is in so you feel you need to distance for the good of your own mental health. If she wants to seek help or work towards helping herself then you would love to support her and be there, but until that point, you can’t continue the friendship as you are finding the situation too stressful on top of other things in your life.

The ball is then left firmly in her court.

Hi OP,

I strongly disagree that you are mean or judgemental. You have clearly been friends for a long time, but it sounds as though you have evolved whereas she has not. It happens in all sorts of freindships and although being ND may impact how it happens precisely, or how you view it, there is nothing weird or bad or odd about two people growing apart.

I have no doubt that she is struggling with her MH and ND is an additional layer to "deal with", but it sounds from your account that you have sought support and put strategies in place (like healthy eating) to change things you don't like and to make your life/health/body more how you'd like it to be. It does not sound like your friend has done the same, whether that is fear, disinterest, or not needing to as people around her enable her behaviour.

Long story short: you do not have to be anyone else's life raft.

Friends should be a net positive in your life. There are ups and down, everyone has rough patches and the give/take balance sometimes shifts a bit. However, overall, a good friend is someone you look forward to seeing, who leaves you feeling happy or energised or supported or listened to. If you start to dread interactions or come away drained and tired, you can talk to the person to say "I do not have bandwidth for your problems right now". If this doesn't make them realise that they are becoming a burden and that you need some breathing space, then you absolutely should distance yourself to protect your own wellbeing.

It is OK to vent!

This is good advice.

I had a friend I strongly suspect is ND. My list of reasons for ending the friendship is much shorter than yours, she had a lot of emotional baggage and she broke through some friendship red lines. I found that I had to stand back for my own MH reasons too so I get where you are. You don’t need a hundred examples to end a friendship or take it down a notch. Friendships change over time but if a friendship persistently drains you, step back and keep stepping until you feel better in yourself.

I’m so glad you have had some understanding and supportive posts amongst the ones who criticise. I very much doubt they have personal experience of your situation. It is kind to offer to help a friend but you can’t help someone do nothing, they can manage that alone.

It is utterly selfish of her to be calling you in the middle of the night for comfort because she has been scaring herself by doom scrolling. Why should her fears be more important than your health/sleep.

Are her parents aware of the demands she puts on your friendship? If as a grown woman she is anyone’s responsibility she is theirs, not yours. Tell them. Depending how well you know them you might also talk to them about how they are perpetuating her problems by doing everything for her rather than at least insisting that she mucks in and helps them with her housekeeping.

The situation may have gone on for too long for it to change and be a friendship you can enjoy and despite what previous posters have said, friendship s should be enjoyable on the whole. From time to time our friends might need support but when they refuse to do anything to resolve their problems and constantly offload and make demands, that’s them not being a friend, just incredibly selfish.

Don’t feel guilty. Few friendships last a lifetime. Yours has probably reached a natural end

I know! But I’m just saying OPs friend has probably picked up on it, and if she’s ’telling her off’ and ‘blowing up’ at her because she’s so wound up, whilst understandable, isn’t likely to be helping the situation.

If OP is speaking to her more tactfully then she might begin to understand how much things are negatively affecting her and change her behaviour.

I wonder if AIBU was the best place to post this…tends to have polarising opinions!
I’m neurodivergent too. It sounds like maybe you’re a ‘fixer’ ND. I lean towards this too. Someone moans about their problems and you offer solutions. I don’t think this is what your friend wants. Of course making changes would help, but you have to be in the right mind set to do that (and if she has ASD change will be more challenging). It also sounds like you have a bit of an attitude of ‘Well I made the changes so she should be able to as well.’ It’s not always that simple!
I do get the frustration of a friend being a victim of their own behaviours. I have a friend who has health issues as well as being ND. She will take on all sorts then complain she’s exhausted! But I’ve learnt advising her doesn’t change anything so I just tell her things like ‘That sounds tough/that must be frustrating’ because she doesn’t want me to solve things, she just wants to vent.
It’s okay to need to step back from a relationship that’s draining you. Just make sure you’re sensitive towards her feelings and don’t make out it’s because you’re better than her!

Seems like she's almost taken you on as her carer. It sounds like an odd dynamic, and not a friendship. I can see how it's exhausting. You already resent her so I would just cut your losses. You aren't responsible for her.

It's exhausting OP. There comes a point when a person has to take responsibility for their own situation. Sometimes that means leaving them to it, because otherwise they will just keep on the same way. If you've tried your best to make suggestions and help to no avail, then it's time to withdraw.

The vast majority of your post (hoarding, not cooking, general messiness, waking you up at night with health anxiety) won’t be relevant if you’re no longer sharing a flat with her, though.

Yeah, if the OP is constantly telling off her friend and pointing out her faults to her face, that certainly isn't kind or constructive. But I got the feeling she is trying to be mostly compassionate and supportive to her, and using this post to vent frustration and get advice, rather than just posting to be mean.

It was just the extent of the post and there were so many faults that OP spewed out that it made me doubt that she is constructive, she sounds really angry. Because OP is ND herself, if I wanted to continue the friendship, I would use this to relate to her, actually. She won’t feel so attacked that way. ‘I know you get overwhelmed, I do too!’ But I tried this and it really helped’ etc, showing care and consideration rather than communicating that she can’t bear her.

It sounds like your friends needs ALOT of help and support, yes she does sound draining and you shouldn’t be friends anymore, however before you just drop her I think you should maybe help her with finding support, e.g. carers, social services etc… or ask her family to help?

Bollocks. She sounds like someone who has been a good friend for a long term me but is tired if being used and abused.

I wish people could remember that it's entirely possible to be mentally ill and or/ND and still be an asshole. OP has done enough, castigating her fir not doing even more is pure twattery.

OP you don't owe her anything. She's all take and no give, get rid.

I think you have been very supportive to her, and have tried to help her. However, you’ve realised she’s not going to change, and not surprisingly, you’re fed up of being at her beck and call.

She’s not your responsibility, so give yourself permission to withdraw the contact. You don’t say how often she calls, but you don’t have to respond. Limit the amount of texts you respond to, and if she calls at 3am, ignore it. She may get abusive, or throw a hissy fit, when you don’t respond, but ignore it. If she gets dramatic, point her in the direction of her doctor, 111 or the Samaritans.

OP's descriptions of her friend's issues and behaviour do sound a bit judgemental and lacking compassion. However, the descriptions of the things that OP put up with when sharing a flat with her friend are particularly grim and most people would find this really difficult to cope with.

Friends don't necessarily love each other unconditionally. Maybe you and your friends do, but most people's friendships change over time, depending on circumstances, distance, behaviour etc. Friends fall out all the time and people often come to Mumsnet for advice when this happens.

Friends are meant to be people you enjoy spending time with. It isn’t supposed to be hard work. You clearly don’t enjoy this woman’s company at all - and I can’t imagine why anyone would, to be honest, because she sounds incredibly difficult, over-reliant and self-centred. Therefore this isn’t a healthy friendship.

Of course it’s normal to support a mate through a hard time now and again. I’ve been there for my friends through their break-ups, family issues, health problems etc. But you absolutely should not be having to act like a therapist, social worker, psychiatrist and carer all the time to anyone, particularly someone who leans on you like a crutch, doesn’t help themselves or seek professional support, and gives you nothing back.

Your friend’s neurodivergence (and yours) are irrelevant here. You do not like this person. You do not enjoy being around her and get no pleasure from your relationship with her. You should therefore not be friends. It really is that simple.

You sound like you hate her so yes it’s probably a good idea to not carry on the friendship. She does sound difficult with the hoarding but her weight and stuff isnt actually your business.

I just can’t get past you dumping her papers while she was out. That seems kinda cruel. She was obviously very attached to them. What did she say when she came back and realised they were gone forever?

I wonder if your friendship was based on you both being ND @dittogrey but now with her other issues you no longer have much in common. Friendship should be a mutual pleasure and support but as @DorianMeile says it's more like she's turning you into another carer. She has her parents for support, if you're backing off I'd let them know and slowly back off from her

I recommend phasing her out. You’d be doing her a huge favour. She’s better off without a friend like you, frankly.

Yes I think you should end the friendship. It sounds like you are at boiling point with her and that is ok. Many people would have reached that point a long time ago.
At this stage, you are no good to her. For her sake and your sake just cut her off completely.

Say you have too much on your plate and end the friendship. Don’t look back.

Well, I think if you're recovering from ED then it's going to be very hard to be friends with someone who has ED and isn't addressing it.

I would withdraw OP. Yes, your post may sound a bit nasty to some but I read it as written by someone at the end of their tether and feeling quite bitter and resentful. I think your state of mind could well have been caused by this friend leaning on you so much. Calling you at 3am because she is anxious is completely out of order. You need to end this friendship as it’s clearly not doing you any good.

You’re not being nasty. Ignore the baiters.

Some people are hopeless, we all know it (and at least one of them). We don’t know why.

That means all your efforts, time, energy and investments are going down the drain.

That’s depressing for you and for them.

I think you’ve done your time with this one - pat on the back from me and move on.