To withdraw from exhausting friend

[dittogrey]

First some background so it's not a drip feed.

I have known this person for 15 years now. We are both neurodivergent, which I realise comes with hurdles because existing in a neurotypical world is exhausting in itself, but she is driving me up the wall. Both of us are in our 40s. We have previously been flatmates.

Flatmate situation first. She is a hoarder which I cannot cope with at all. Fortunately I didn't have to endure that for long because she moved out, but I am someone who longs for a minimal space with no clutter. I blew up at her once because she had a room in the flat that was full of old papers she had printed from the internet in Tesco bags, and it was so old that the Tesco bags had started to break down into this weird flaky stuff. I gave her a time period to clear it out, but she didn't so I went in and cleared it one weekend when she was away with a now ex boyfriend. It was stuff like web pages about rabbits and other small animals. She got upset with me but I stood my ground and she had to accept it. She won't get help for this.

She has a binge eating disorder that she also refuses to get help for. I have also battled an ED, so I know it's hard work but you can beat them. She is morbidly obese and her parents have been trying to encourage her to do something about it, but it falls on deaf ears. She complains about back ache all the time and other stuff which are a result of her size. I used to be a size 22, but I got my shit together and I'm now maintain a size 14 with a balanced diet. All she does is moan and I'm sick of hearing it to be honest. She refuses to help herself, and despite trying to be supportive and recognising the depression aspect of things in her, she does nothing to address it.

She has medical anxiety, which she has woken me up with at several times of night freaking out about ridiculous things, and I now refuse to pander to it. I lost my shit at her once badly, I know it wasn't great, but I basically told her that waking me up because she's convinced herself she's got cancer at 3am and I'm the only person who could talk her down, was too much and I now have her on mute for every avenue of communication. She goes on YouTube and watches stuff that sets her off and then loses her mind, and it was pissing me off so I told her off. If she gets a slight sniffle she will blow it out of all proportion and I don't have time for it. She is medicated but doesn't always take it, and then complains when she feels crap.

She can barely cook and makes no effort to learn despite me showing her how to do things when we previously lived together. Her parents do her washing, and her mum does her cleaning. Rather than encouraging her to do these things for herself, they just do it because if they don't, it won't get done and she ends up in squalor. Her hoarding, the fact that she doesn't clean up after herself are some of the reason I told her she had to move out because I couldn't handle it anymore. She would eat an entire multi pack of crisps and then leave the packets everywhere. Same with bars of chocolate etc.

When she has come to visit in the past for birthdays etc, she basically sits on her arse and leaves me to do absolutely everything, knowing full well that I have my own health issues that I work hard to cope with. I take care of people who visit but a gesture like helping me with dishes or cleaning up clutter that she's made would be helpful, but no. She does nothing. The last time she visited, she blocked my toilet and I had to deal with it. She also has shocking personal hygiene which I used to think was due to her size and her finding it difficult to shower and bathe, but she says she's always struggled with it before she ballooned.

The main issue for me is that she just won't do anything to help herself, and she will only see one doctor even when others are available.

Dealing with her is like trying to cope with a whiny toddler, except she's a grown woman who just expects people to cater to her because "life's too hard" and she can't do for herself. Her ex boyfriend dumped her because of how she is, and I'm not surprised.

There's a lot of other stuff and this is already too long, but I am worn out dealing with her crap when I've got my own to deal with. I had a major mental break myself last year after my mum became ill and I thought she was going to die.

I have tried to be compassionate. Being ND is far from easy and it's a spectrum we are both on, but I honestly think she takes the piss at times and I'm done with it. My sympathy has run out and all I feel now is resentment. Whenever I see a message from her now I sigh and think FFS what now?!

Am I being unreasonable to withdraw? Nothing ever changes and I'm fed up of being an avenue for her constant moaning, and her unwillingness to do anything for herself. I have my own shit to deal with.

Thank you for your time. 🌺

It's not compulsory to keep a friendship for life. Give yourself permission to let this one fade away and not feel guilty about it.

I agree with this too. You sound like you are a very motivated person and you’re frustrated that she isn’t being similarly proactive as you know it’s helping you! And you want her to feel better rather than moan to you about not feeling rubbish yet do nothing about it.
It sounds like you’ve been a good friend who’s now at the end of her tether!
Before you back out of this friendship - maybe you could push her towards counselling or therapy? Her mum must feel very worried and low about her too.

This seems like a very codependent friendship and I would find it difficult to deal with unless I was able to emotionally withdraw from it. I have a friend with chronic health issues who doesn't do much to help herself so I just make empathetic noises and move conversation elsewhere. I am emotionally detached from her situation so it doesn't bother me that she mentions her issues for the hundred's time. I also realise that some people moan because they want a solution but many moan because they want to be heard. And it's important to know the difference between the two to avoid going into a fixer mode. Ultimately, it's not your problem.
The bigger issue is that you don't seem to gain anything from this friendship. So there is no point carrying on, really.

YANBU to quietly withdraw from this person who now appears to be draining your energy and motivation to maintain your own quest for a good and healthy life. It’s also better for her if you stay away from her at the times you feel irritated by her.

You have put some effort into helping and supporting her which is good. Your way of helping yourself, hasn’t worked to help her but she has attached herself to you in friendship nevertheless. Therefore, you should be very careful about ensuring your withdrawal doesn’t affect her adversely. In other words, don’t denigrate her or make unkind comparisons or judge her at all, in your excuses for fading her out of your life.
Please don’t tell her off and no more losing your shit at her or blowing up at her, as that would only set her back even further.

Just remember that actually, maybe her lack of success (so far) in learning how to live well has helped you highlight your own successes - and gain your confidence to keep building on them. So in that way, you may have benefitted in some small ways from her attachment to you. Be grateful for that, if it’s the case.

Try to take a completely fresh look at what it means to be kind and helpful to this particular person with her own unique set of problems and circumstances which are so completely different to your own. Remember that one size of help, support and recovery doesn’t fit all.
Don’t write her off in your own head as no longer worthy of support. Be hopeful for her.
Distance yourself slowly and naturally so that she hardly notices, rather than cutting her off suddenly. Avoid any drama around it.

A kind word of thanks for her company, or a compliment from you, or a quick coffee together from time to time, could mean the world to her and help her along the way….her way.

Definitely withdraw, because you either don't actually like her, or you've just reached the end of a very long rope. Are you just sticking around out of morbid curiosity to watch her, what you see as, car crash of a life?

There's nothing wrong with realising that a friendship has reached it's end, or simply that you've run out of "cope".

You don't seem to like her so end the friendship it's also rather codependent which isn't healthy

She sounds exhusting op.

Tbh, if this friendship is having a negative effect on your mental help then you can step away.

You cant make her help herself.

I get it op i really do.

Friends enhance your life she does the opposite. I doubt she'd have ever become one of my friends as she sounds too dependent. Clinginess doesn't attract me, different if a relative becoming needy when old and frail but friends are for having fun with, not someone to tell you endless tales of woe.

I get it too and am also ND. She sounds utterly exhausting and obviously doesn't want to get better so I'd be leaving her to it. It's not your job to fix her and she is draining you dry. Her parents are enabling her to continue to be the way she is. She's an adult and needs to stop wallowing. I've withdrawn from similar people and felt so much better for it. I have my significant struggles but having struggles doesn't mean you have to drag people down with you.

You have answred your own question here. She has no motivation to change and her parents are enabling her dependency by meeting her needs so why would she change?

It sounds like she has been using you as an un-paid support worker, but unlike the parents, you have got wise to this.

If you want to remain friends, just keep diverting her to professional sources of help when she makes these demands. She has to take some responsibility for her own life.

You cannot fix other people. You can only point them in the right direction. You need to look after yourself in this situation

Some people need more help than you can give and in trying you are dragged down because it is far far far easier to drag someone down than it is for that person to pull you up.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone warm.

You've given it more than many and you now have so many negative associations with this person (understandably) your feelings towards them are souring and no one can offer help (even if it would achieve anything, which it won't) from a position of resentment and distaste (understandable).

Create distance and fade out of that's the kindest way. Or maybe it would be kinder to tell her you can't do it (the 'friendship' - in apostrophes because you're more like an unpaid support worker really) anymore.

Sorry you’re getting unhelpful responses, OP.

I think you have been a lovely friend. I wouldn’t have tolerated someone coming into my house stinking it out and doing shits that block up the toilet and expect to be fed and watered all weekend on my birthday.

Tell her that you’re ND and can’t cope with guests anymore and that it’s best to dial back the friendship so you can get your work and life on track.

Hello again everyone

Thank you for all of your responses. The reason I came to ask Mumsnet is because whatever you ask, you're going to get the cold hard truth from people, along with kind and helpful responses which is what I needed.

Many of you are right, I do sound angry and such because I AM at the end of my tether. We had lots in common in terms of likes and hobbies, but they have fallen by the wayside because of everything else. She has a silly sense of humour like me, and we used to sit and have a drink together and watch ridiculous films that made no sense, but it didn't matter because we found them fun. There's more to it than that, but she is very far from the person I used to know. I have also changed from the person she knew. I know I didn't sound great in my opening post, but this is years of frustration building up.

Friendships grow or shrink depending on how you maintain them I think. It has become very one sided and I'm exhausted. That means I'm less empathetic and I have less patience for things that need special attention. I know it we continued to live together that I would be in a carer role and not a friend role, and it would breed a lot of resentment, and in fact it already has.

Someone asked about the papers and what happened when she found out. She was quiet for a bit but them came out of her room and said that it needed to be done and that was that, there were tears of course but I stood firm. At the time we hugged and I said what she kept in her own room was fine as long as it wasn't a hazard to the flat. I'm very grateful that she never got to the stage where it became a hazard in that way, but that doesn't mean I wasn't worrying about her. I was. I still am. I'm just completely worn out and have nothing left to give. It's not a friendship anymore, it's a mess. I have never been to where she's living right now and I don't want to because I'm afraid of what I'd find.

Regarding the weight loss, I probably should have been clearer why I made the comparison, I realise it looked like I was saying if I can do it, she can too. What I was trying to say albeit badly, was that I used to be a chonk and so I know what it's like to be that way and the struggles that come with it. If someone has never battled obesity and they made comments like I have, it comes across as fatshaming and disgust. That wasn't my intention but it clearly looked that way and also a case of if I can do it, so can she. We are both ND but ND is different things to each person.

I also disagree that you can't beat an ED, you CAN, but you do spend the rest of your life having to be careful and avoiding triggers, or at least being aware of them so if something happens to press all the bad buttons, you can try and stave them off. My triggers for ED were a bit weird because the ED I had was a reaction to a childhood abuse situation, and the person responsible is now dead, and so he can't hurt me anymore.

Someone also mentioned her not being able to wake me up at 3am with health anxiety stuff once she had moved out. Unfortunately that wasn't the case and the reason I had to mute her, was because she would ring me in a panic and of course if someone rings you at that time you answer because something bad might have happened and they need help. It happened a few times and I told her in no uncertain terms not to do it again, but it kept happening. I'd also wake up to walls of irrational text messages that I just couldn't cope with.

People are right, this isn't a friendship anymore. It's turned into something toxic for both of us, and it's not good. She needs serious help which is far beyond me, and even if it wasn't, friendships aren't unconditional, and they do need both parties to give and receive. I have reached my limit. It scares me a lot because when her parents aren't around anymore she's going to struggle even more. She does have siblings but I think some of them are at odds with each other, and I don't know how often they talk if at all.

Thank you to everyone who responded, this has told me what I needed to know and hear. To the nasty folks who just wanted to have a dig, I'm sorry you're built that way and I'm sure you're an absolute delight to be around, my eyes rolled so far that they're probably on the floor somewhere.

Thank you Mumsnet. 🌺

Friendships do change.
You having nothing positive to give this friendship. You are pissed off and fed up. Your friend also is giving nothing positive to this relationship.
You are right - it's tiring being the one they turn to when it's all negative and they are not able/or want to change things. They need professional support and want to change.

I hope you step back kindly.

Can you speak with her family?

OP, you never know, it might help her to take stock and make changes.

Don’t feel like you owe anyone friendship.

There was one time that I told her that I was going to reach out to her mum because I was really afraid for her wellbeing. She broke down and begged me not to and in the end I didn't because she reacted so wildly that I thought she might actually hurt herself if I did. I realise now that I should have done it anyway, and dealt with the fallout afterwards. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that. Her family are in the know now after she had a massive meltdown, but they just keep enabling her so I can't really do anything else. It's definitely time to disengage. If she ever gets the help she needs and her old self comes to the surface, maybe time and space could give us a shot at friendship again, but right now I just can't.

Thank you again to everyone, I'm probably not going to look at this again now because I want to try and move on and put things behind me. Mumsnet is gold. 🌺

Glad the posts have helped you see things more clearly, and maybe reinforced what you knew deep down.

I live in a neurodiverse household and you are like my husband and your friend is alot like our eldest son. My husband is autistic and OCD. Everything has it's place and if it isn't in it it affects his mood and ability to cope with other things. Our son is autistic, inattentive ADHD and has a slow processing speed. As you said it is a spectrum but because you are on the spectrum yourself it's hard to understand what may be happening in another person's head. So my son with his inattentive ADHD means he gets distracted very easily could eat something and will leave pots everywhere and would live in squalor if I didn't go round making him clear away. I get carers allowance for this, he needs that extra prodding and running around after he just can't live alone because it would be a sty within a week. My husband meltsdown at his antics but it's because they're on the opposite end of the spectrum. I wouldn't say either has it harder than the other as they both have their issues. If they were friends it wouldn't work, they set each other off and make each other miserable at times. Our autistic daughter is much more like her dad and our youngest autistic son is yet another different kettle of fish being non verbal and not much understanding so he lives in his own world. It is a spectrum and it isn't just a case of well I'm on it and they're on it but why aren't they doing this for themselves. It could be undiagnosed other issues like ADHD causing her inability to actually get cleaned up. My eldest son's autism causes him too much stress to talk to anyone about problems and goes mute and as for only seeing one doctor that's classic of some people's autism. They only feel comfortable with that person and have built up a relationship so they're safe to talk to. My son did that with Camhs and wouldn't speak to anyone else. You have done a wonderful job at finding coping mechanisms in order and other ways. Your friend for various reasons hasn't. You need to step back from the friendship and tell her and her parents why and that you won't be there anymore. Don't sugarcoat anything my eldest has to be told in straight terms even if it sounds rude because he doesn't understand subtle signs or speech. It has to be very literal. You're both in very different parts of life and you need to move on.

As an NT person I wouldn't expect guests to help. Great if they offer but no expectations.

If you don't get on and find them hard work, it's perfectly fine to stop seeing them.

You sound very honest and seem sympathetic as you have some of the same issues. Look after yourself first! People change.